Monday, December 31, 2007

last of 2007

So. It's the end of the year. Really, earlier today I think I came to the conclusion how dumb all of this New Year's hoopla is. Seriously. Time goes on. It's just what happens. If we're going to celebrate the new year, why not the new day or the new hour or even the new minute? Yes. Let's make mixed drinks, serve champagne and mini quiches to show our appreciation in honour of every passing second. 

I just don't get it.

New Hampshire is cold. Iowa caucuses are in three days and the NH primary is a week from tomorrow. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. But it's a good scared. 

I really really want Hillary to win this.

Nick isn't coming back for Stender, round two. No reason given, he just dropped the huge bomb on me earlier. This is freaking me out probably more than it should. It's just that this is going to be my first cycle in NJ-7 without him. I don't know what I'm doing yet. Or I do, better than four years ago, but still not good enough to do it on my own. And Nicky was the guy who just got me. He'd tell me to go have a cig if I needed one and wouldn't take NO for an answer when I said I couldn't do something. And he is the only one who hasn't given me crap for only being 19. I don't know. This just kinda bums me out. 

Whatever.

Here's to 2008. Hopefully it won't suck as bad. 

Thursday, December 27, 2007

champagne

Christmas was amusing. It was the usual crew; me, my father and stepmother and their entire extended family. And a lot of alcohol. I personally, was fine. But that's probably because my nightly activity for most of last semester included at least one drink. My family, however.... let's just roll with me being one of the most sober people there. And I started out the night with 5 or 6 nice sized glasses of wine then 3 or 4 'holiday cocktails' i.e. a very potent mix of Grey Goose and Johnny Walker Blue shaken with a bottle of champagne, cranberry juice, lime and ice. Yeah... at least I didn't turn emo. My stepbrother, on the other hand, had his 14 year old butt taken to the hospital because he was plastered beyond all comprehension. Yeah whoops. I didn't give him the liquor though. Turns out, he and my little 16 year old bro brought their own. Meh. After a banana bag and some water the next day, all is forgotten though. 

I quit my job at the pet store. It was starting to become very apparent that a lot of the dogs came from puppy mills and the managers didn't really know how to care for the animals. This being extremely obvious when a dog had a massive heart attack and they decided just to wrap it in a plastic bag and toss it in the freezer because, as they put it, it was "too far gone". I'm not about to work in a place like that. So it's back to Hillarypalloza for me.

I'm actually heading up to New Hampshire to volunteer for Hillary January 2nd through primary day on the 8th. I am BEYOND excited. This really is what I live for. I love having the opportunity to effect change in such an important way.

This post I made on mydd.com made it onto HillaryHub.com.... the rapid response source for HRC's race. I guess someone sent them a tip or something. I just think that is sooo cool. Even though I don't really need it at this point, it's almost like validation that something I'm doing in the political realm is actually somewhat decent. 

The Benazir Bhutto murder this morning really jarred me. It is just so incomprehensible to me that something like that could happen. The murder and subsequent suicide attack of someone who is just trying to do what they think is right for a nation they love. It just shouldn't happen. Regardless of how you feel about their political views. It really doesn't solve anything.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

under eather

I'm back in NJ now and working at a pet store. Yes. The girl who, just last year, cringed at the thought of being anywhere near animals is selling them 40 hours a week. And I love it... or rather I love the people (mostly). The job isn't that bad either. Its decent money and as much as I hate to say it, it does not require an exorbitant amount of brain cells. I think I am the only non-manager who has been through some sort of higher education and I think that is kind of humbling. To think, all of the times that I've almost dropped out, I've stuck with it and yet, I'm working right beside them. 

And living back at home in Jersey isn't that bad. I'm really never there. I leave around 7 every morning, come back around 10 at night then go write before passing out. I have almost no interaction with my family and I love it. I know it's not supposed to be this way, but this works for me. I don't like them and they don't like me. Except we need each other. They need to have me around as validation their lives aren't completely worthless and I need to put on the little Miss Merry Fucking Sunshine face around them so I don't have to sublet a place for two months.

Amusing how these things work, no?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Happy Hour



The bar was overcrowded tonight. In twos and threes they came. Young men in overly starched shirts, ties ostentatiously selected in an attempt to compensate for their shortcomings and shoes polished by poor men just trying to get by in the middle of Penn Station. These men, the direct proof that some couples just should not reproduce, were accompanied by not-so-young ladies with emotionless faces and miniskirts shorter than an irritated boss' incompetence tolerance and tighter than an accountant's bottom line. Yuppiedom at its finest.

Happy hour had just began, but already there was a cloud of smoke emanating from half-finished cigarettes perilously resting in cracked ashtrays, sporadically interspersed amoungst the generic chipped Formica tables cast away from airport pubs. The smoke just about replaced the oxygen in the air and it was inhaled as if it were a suitable replacement. The mournful voice of Bruce Springsteen cackled itself free, by way of the antiquated jukebox in the corner by the out-of-order-since-1992 payphone. No one usually wandered over to that corner anyway; the patrons usually left it up to Sally to put on whomever she fancied listening to on that given evening. It was her place after all. Occasionally, when a new person happened to stumble upon the pub, they'd make the mistake of dropping a few coins into the jukebox and put on music more recent than 1987 and someone more familiar with the customs would either take them outside, or beat them beyond recognition right there…depending on their current level of intoxication. More often than not though, at least as of recently, it had been the latter.

The booths and benches fill quickly and by seven there is little standing room left. The stools around Sally, however, are left for the usual suspects. Hillary and her martinis—dirty and dry, Charlie's right hand clenched around a half drunken glass of whisky with a
morbidly obese prostitute named Wendy toying with the other, Ryan with beers one through three staring down his babyface right in front of him, Pete already six deep into his vodka on the rocks. As per tradition, the first toast of the night went to Sally and her bar for being their everything—therapist, home, escape, call-screener, mother. And the second went to the oak countertop that held their weary heads. A once-gallant piece of great New England oak, marred with cigarette burns, obscene phrases and stains from impolite patrons' glasses. Yes, this ancient wood now placed beneath scar-laden, liver-spotted forearms had seen thousands of nights like this before.

"Pete, honey", Wanda murmured tentatively, "darling. How did it go?"

"What do you mean?" asked Pete.

"Don't give me that crap. It's insulting. We all are simply dying to know."


"Ya? Well it's not your problem now, is it?"

And with that, Pete grabbed a Marlboro Red from the inside coat pocked of his pseudo intelligentsia standard tweed jacket pocked and proceeded to fumble around in search of a lighter.

"Goddamn it!" He mumbled under his breath, "Anyone got a light?"


"Here bro," said Ryan as he slid over his engraved Zippo.


"Thanks man."

Everyone reached for another drink, all with one common goal in mind: to surpass last night's level of intoxication. They were all well on their way, even Wendy throwing back drinks easier than water. Charlie glanced over at Wendy and the four empty glasses to her left and shook his head disapprovingly.

"Maybe you shouldn't be drinking so much. As soon as the blue and whites are gone, you're hitting the streets" he said.

"Fuck you! I am not going to do that shit sober. You all will be seein' me licking up spilt beers to keep my buzz goin' first." spat Wendy.

"Your dumb, fat, trashy ass will be dead on Sally's floor if you ever talk to me that way again."

And with that, Charlie raised his right hand and, without removing his numerous rings, brought it across Wendy's porcine face. His handprint was clearly visible, a sharp crimson contrast to her ghostly pale skin and thick layers of poorly applied makeup. She sat there stunned, mouth open…as if she was about to actually stand up for herself, then she just poured down another drink into her waiting throat.

Pete began to cry. Not just a tear or two, but the full-blown tears of an irreparably hurt middle-aged man.

"Why did you have to hit her? Why? She's an adult! A fucking adult for Christ's sake!" Pete choked, "if she wants another fucking drink, let the dumb cooze take as many as she fucking wants. They probably make it easier for her to fucking deal with belonging to your disgusting, disease-laden ass!"

Wendy, not quite sure how to take being called property, a whore and having her sense of autonomy defended within the same eighteen seconds, threw her drink on the floor and stormed out amidst a flurry of glass shards. Charlie chased after, with her cheap plastic purse, while casting the most spiteful of stares down Pete's spine.

"You stupid slut! Wait! You fucking left my Goddamn money right there!" he bellowed after her, apparently immune to the repercussions of making his profession very public.

It is time for another drink. Hillary, always the classy one, had moved on from the martinis to gin and tonics, just enough to keep her buzz going for a while. Ryan blushed a serious shade of rose. He had drunk enough of the cheap stuff to forget his money woes (not to mention what his wife would say) and started coughing up enough cash for the real good brandy. Pete, a purist, kept with his vodka on the rocks. For him, it's the only thing that works.

"And here's to life," Sally took a second from tending bar to toast.
"Bitch and moan all you want but it's better than the alternative. Or at least more expensive."

Pete picks up his head and glass, "nice gesture Sally. Really, it is. But death's better than some secrets."

"Why babe? What the Hell really happened? Just let it out."

"It's not that. I swear. It's just that you're so delusional and try to solve all of my problems. But Sal- hate to tell you- but your solutions are useless right now."

Hillary began to drink, but stopped. Her ice blue eyes looked glazed over, but still pierced a hole in anything they touched.

"Stop being an attention fiend. If you wanted to tell us, you would have already. Either 'fess up now or quit acting like my toddler and stop whining. It's starting to bring me down."

"You drunk bitch," said Ryan. "When are you not at least somewhat tipsy?"


"Dude!" chimed in Pete. "Lay off. For once, she's right."

Hillary finished her drink and looked up. "So then. How about it?"

"Whatever. Fine. Ok." Pete says. "That bastard showed up at her funeral. He looked so Goddamned slick; I almost didn't recognize him without the splatters of blood on his hands. I didn't want that jacka-"

"So why did he get an invitation?" Ryan interrupted, only to be the warranted recipient of condescending looks from Hillary and Sally.

"Go on," Sally urged Pete.


"He had no right to show up. He put her in the coffin. He took a baseball bat and slammed in into her skull seventeen times- one for each of the years she wasted on him. Doctors told me that the first blow knocked Dana out, the second killed her."

"At least your wife didn't suffer, darling." said Hillary, in a timbre uncharacteristically soft.

"He killed her and came to her funeral, trying to play Mr. Nice Guy." choked Pete. "The cops say they don't have enough evidence to charge him-- no prints and no one saw him or nothin'... but I know it was him.

"How?" challenged Ryan.

"I I I I I" Pete stammered, "I just do. Who else would have the evil in them to kill like that?"

Hillary, Sally and Ryan looked down at their drinks and simultaneously finished them in one gulp. Hillary began to cough and spilled the rest of her gin and tonic all over the bar.

"Oops." Hillary laughed, with a touch of sarcasm. "Sally- throw me another. I'm not quite drunk enough after that one."

Sally obliged. Hillary always got what she wanted.

By now, Happy Hour was long gone. With it have left the college and after-work crowd. Sally was glad to see the yuppies go. They all only had one thing on their mind and she hated that her place was nothing more than a spot to throw back a few drinks and maybe get lucky. It was not exactly the clientele Sally craved, but their seemingly bottomless bank accounts and carefree attitudes helped pay the bills, so she was not really in a position to complain. She did, just once, after one frat boy emptied his stomach contents all over the pool table in back. Turns out he was underage but had a really good fake
ID. The police weren't too keen on Sally kicking him out with alcohol poisoning when he was only nineteen. She almost lost her license after that one, some garbage about it being illegal to supply liquor to minors.

"Such is life." said Sally, as she poured another round for the house.

It's time for midnight shots. As per tradition, every night at midnight, anyone who had been there since 8pm and is still able to go through the alphabet without confusing "L, M, N, O, P" got a shot of whisky on Sally. Tonight, aside from herself, Ryan, Hillary and Pete, only three men passed the test. These men have been around for nearly five hours now and are still talking shop—something about bonds and equities and other Wall Street jargon Sally cannot understand (and hoped like hell she never will need to). But regardless of the number of participants, the instant the second hand on the classic neon-rimmed clock hanging over the door strikes midnight, the glasses were raised and emptied.

"Cheers to not being dead, motherfuckers!" the bar cried and then settles back down in an instant, as if nothing had happened.

All the while, Bruce Springsteen is still singing his melancholy head off.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

jumper

i am so ready for finals week to be over.

i feel like i have nothing left to give, in every sense of the word.

i can't write and that's becoming more and more apparent as this week progresses.

all i really need to do is talk to them, but they just do not care enough to even make an effort.

i just need it to end.

last night i snorted vicodin and i liked it. that scares me. but i am not going to stop. it makes me happy. and i need that right now.

either that, or validation.

the latter of which is really hard to come by nowdays.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

gonna be ok

I think I'm coming to the realization that I may actually...maybe... have this life thing down. Kinda.

Granted, I am not especially happy with the way things have been going. Of late, I have found myself seeking comfort by any available means. Whether that means amalgamating myself to a certain person (or group of people), smoking way too many cigarettes, writing what I want to write and what I should be writing for class... it's been happening way too much. And I guess that's ok. I mean, I would rather be able to just live in my own skin and be somewhat content, but I'm just not there yet.

I am really frustrated with a lot of my friends. I think I realized how petty they are. I just feel eons away from them. I'm over juvenility, in every sense of the word. I'm sorry if we go see a play and the only thing you get out from it is the constant sex references and you completely miss the larger social sentiment being made. I'm hideously sorry if you find it appropriate to text message your friends all through a small class where the entire class, including the professor, can see and hear you. Do you see the tear running down my face when you come and complain to me about your professor making your paper a "D" because you have no thesis statement?...Whoops...I misspoke... you DO have four statements of what could be considered a thesis, however they are so poorly disguised in your pathetic excuse for grammar that I think your professor was being extremely generous by giving you a "D". If I had been the professor, Hell... I would have failed you outright. I'm even more sorry that you find it amusing to think someone is weird because they are of a different ethnicity than you, without even the semblance of an attempt to understand their customs. I'm sorry if I don't halfass my schoolwork, especially for classes within my major and that means I may not have time to like, go, like to the, like mall and like oogle the like hell out of like those boys who like work at like Hollister cuz they are like OMG soo super like hot. I'm sorry if I work for a campaign and actually give a rat's ass about politics. I'm sorry if I vote. I'm sorry if I actually can conceptualize what having another Republican president would do to the nation and, because of this, am doing everything in my power to make sure that does not happen.

The conversations I have had to endure so far today have included:
-In regards to overhearing someone mention the country Macedonia) "Wait? Macedonia? Is that like a guy or something?"
-"Can I like have chicken fingers without the chicken?" (Lady at the snack bar)"You mean just the fries?" (Next member of Mensa) "NO. Just the fried shell." (Lady) "So just breadcrumbs, fried?"
-"George Bush isn't that bad. I mean, he named himself after vaginas so I guess he likes women."
..and the winner being (so far)
-(In response to a class discussion on global warming) "If it's too hot, then why don't we just fly the Earth further from the Sun."
OY VEY

In other news, my ex-fiance is moving across the street from my mother with his soon to be wife. I don't really have feelings for Alex anymore... but it's still going to be extremely awkward. I actually can't even recall the last time I spoke to him. Oh wait... yes I can. It was when he told me it was over after I tried to kill myself. Seriously, I was laying in the hospital bed with both arms stitched up and just had my stomach pumped. And the jackass thought that would be the most perfect moment to tell me that I was impossible to love and reach over to take the ring back. Let's not forget that one of the main reasons I sought an out (that time) was because I knew I would never be good enough for him and I was doing a disservice to the man I loved to make him trade down to make me his wife.

That is just going to absolutely make my winter vacation. Having to not only exist at the same residence as my mother but also see Alex and his perfect fucking wife every day. Seriously... I know I'm not good enough for him. But nearly two years after the fact, I just think it's another way for him to tighten his grasp on me.

Cuz obviously the scars are not enough.

je vous déteste. me part s'il vous plaît seul. vous avez essayé de me tuer et a fait presque. vous êtes un rappel constant d'haine. plaît. est cela pas assez ?

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Hillary Clinton: Caucusing is Easy

Hilarious and very pointed. With a month till the caucus, it's great that HRC's campaign is doing everything they can do encourage voter turnout.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

not gonna get us

The LILITH List Aka.... A Compilation of Various Items That Are Currently Occupying My Mind But Are Not Substantial Or Important Enough Of Which An Entire Post On Each Is Warranted:

-- My friend was released from the hospital on Wednesday. She spent roughly a month in the ICU for anorexic/bulimia related issues. As much as I want to support her, I feel really awkward about it. I am tormented by many of the same demons as she, but I choose to embrace their powers. I am not ready to turn my back on the Goddesses right now. I still believe it is a lifestyle, not a disease and I am very much a follower of the lifestyle.

--Hillary's Rodchester, NH office was taken hostage today. Even though Phil and Kimmy were safe in the Manchester office (roughly 30 minutes from Rodchester), I still freaked out a bit. Even thought I don't know anyone who was in the office, it's still my people. Campaign staffers. We have this unbreakable bond and one one of us is threatened, it effects all of us. We work for barely minimum wage 15-20 hours a day for 11 months a year then wait a month and do it all over again. It's the hardest work you'll ever do but also the most rewarding. And for some sicko to come in and threaten to blow himself up and kill us.... it's mad. All we are trying to do is create a better vision for the nation. Idealists through and through.

--George. I don't know if I like him or not yet. All I know though is that I want him...but that's not really good enough.

--My cousin thinks I can't write and thinks I'm wasting my life trying to be a poet. Screw her. I am somewhat talented and seriously...who cares as long as I am content.

--I love my friends. They basically save my life every day, multiple times over.

Jersey in SIX DAYS!!!!!!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Boot Camp!!

God. This morning kicked my ass...

I went to rugby practice last evening which was amazing. I love playing... it's a really good outlet for my frustration. I mean, where else am I encouraged to hit and tackle as hard as possible? Especially this week, with finals coming up and papers due. Everybody here is stressed out and not sleeping. Rugby lets me get away from all of this crap. I think, in my little Lilith Heaven, there's a spot reserved for team sports. Once I hit the field and start running and sweating and bleeding... it all goes away. Needless to say, at practice I played as hard as possible and was ecstatic afterwards.

But then, this morning, I decided to go to Boot Camp workout at the gym. Usually, I can take the workout, no questions asked. Except I guess I didn't realize how sore I was after practice yesterday till we started running stairs. Basically, running up and down flights of stairs with ankle weights on each leg for half an hour with 17 other workoutoholics. Then about an hour of 20 different muscle-failure workouts followed by six laps around the track. It's tough but I love the intensity of it. And yeah... I still pushed hard but now I'm really feeling it. My legs are soooorrrrreeeee.

Oh well. I have practice at 6am tomorrow though so I guess I'll just do some yoga tonight and loosen up my muscles. Ruck. Maul. Tackle... it's not rugby till there's bloodshed.

Monday, November 26, 2007

NJ-7 is LIFE/LOVE/ALLTHATMATTERS


It's no big secret to anyone that I am in love with a little stretch of land known to insiders as NJ's Seventh Congressional District. It goes from the Raritan River to the Delaware River, horrizontal across New Jersey. It is Gerrymandered like there is no tomorrow. It is currently represented by a giant prick by the name of Rep. Mike Ferguson, a conservative Republican in moderate shoes. He is anti-choice, hideous on healthcare reform (which really is no big shocker since he's fully funded by the Pharmaceutical lobby), voted against SCHIP, voted for the war, refuses to fund the war he threw our troops into. Which is why it would seem like his 'retirement' this coming Election cycle would be fantastic. But... no. It's not.

I've worked on two consecutive races in the district...the 'o4 and '06 cycles. I want this so bad. But I know it comes down to a money game...especially early on. And the candidates the GOP are putting up for the nomination for their ticket are all good at raising lots and lots of money. Right now I'm really only worried about Kate Whitman and Leonard Lance. Whitman is the daughter of the former NJ Governor Christie Todd Whitman. Lance is the outgoing minority leader in the state senate. Both have a ton of money (and therefore votes) as well as a shitload of name recognition behind them.

Yeah ok so my candidate, Linda Stender, is a sitting assemblywoman and ran last cycle. She has some name recognition and a pretty sweet endorsement from EMILY's List. But... I'm just scared nonetheless. I want this so bad.

I think I just care too much. But that's ok. I'm in it to fucking win it.

That is all.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

on spending thanksgiving with relatives...

I really dislike my brother and stepbrother. I have done nothing wrong to them, yet they find it nessasary to attempt at every chance they get to marginalize me from the family unit. I know it's extremly petty to bitch and moan about two 16 year old boys and their antics but it's just so frusturating. Especially when it has begun to affect how I feel at family gatherings.

Spending time with my family is never easy for me. Let's just say that I never had what is called an 'easy childhood'. My father's glass was never filled with anything but vodka and my mother was never attentive enough to care. Holidays were spent with my father's family at their home in Englewood NJ, with me and my brother feeling like outcasts because we did not attend Yeshiva nor were we being raised in an Orthodox Jewish household. I think that was the worst. The entire family, children included, would participate in a perverse take on Trivial Pursuit, where mocking was encouraged if a question was answered incorrectly. It was never spoken but if you failed to answer a question correctly, your backside, arms and legs would be quite sore for days to come. Success became not something to strive for, but a nessasary sourse for remaining unscathed.

Maybe my brother and stepbrother are jelous. I started answering the questions right, thus escaping the worst of the blows delt for the crime of stupidity (but certainly not for physical perfection). I know I should have done more to protect them, but it's self-preservation at that point. And plus, I got to escape. I left on my sixteenth birthday and never really came back.

And now, I guess as retribution, every time I enter the room with either of them there, a snide remark is made. Knives (both literal and figurative) are thrown in my direction. And after a while, you just get tired of dodging and let one hit you in the jugular.

I know it's disgustingly cliche, but because all of this, I feel like I'm constantly lonely. Surrounded by people but just an empty shell. All I wanted to do tonight was scream and let everyone know how much I despise the obligatory family gatherings. They are such a farce. No one really can stand each other. At all.

Kind of nausiating to thing about it, really.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

makeout. put out. pass out. or GET OUT



Last night... oh man. Let's start with the pics. I actually was in a dress. Woot. I actually dont remember much of the evening. Except all of the liquor that was bought for that night is now gone. A handle of rum. A handle of vodka. A handle of whiskey. Hipnotiq. Beer. Tequila. All gone. I am just a big ball of drunken class. Lol.

I love my friends.

I also love how this morning I wake up to my cell vibrating at 8. It's George and he's right outside my dorm with a blunt. I'm still drunk but I go anyways. We smoke...I make out with him. I go back to bed.

I wake up at like noon with a giant blue penis drawn on my foot. I don't know how it got there and I don't really care. All I know is that I love my friends.

Because when it comes down to it.... that's all that matters.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

crap

My liver still hurts from Wednesday night.

...and I don't think that's a good thing.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

light pollution

Yesterday was a pretty good day. All together, entirely unproductive (aside from dusting the bookshelf and clearing the clutter off my desk), but fun nonetheless. I didn't intend to not work on my honours paper or revise my short story or read for philosophy... but I guess the glorious autumnal air decided it was not in the cards.

I ended up going to Starbucks with friends and discussing... everything ranging from the prevalence of spirituality in contemporary society to the potential effect of Norman Mailer's death on the 'serious novel'... for the better part of the afternoon. I really do appreciate days like that. Good conversation over coffee with two of the more genuine people I know can never be a bad thing.

The new garcon came over last evening. We were sending each other text messages all day, about the most random things and he said he wanted to see my cute face lol. He comes over and my roommate Ashley, her boyfriend, new boy and I end up taking a celebratory shot of vodka for Ash's 20th birthday. I think that kind of helped break the ice. As bad as it is to say, I think that helped me and new boy get more comfortable. It really was the first time he and I hung out alone and had a chance to get to know each other. He really is a nice person, very intelligent, planning on going to law school (as if that really matters). And he brought up the ex-girlfriend situation, which I thought was very risky of him. Turns out, he had been having some pretty intense second thoughts about seeing her and decided to break it off when he realized it wasn't working. That kind of put my mind at ease, I guess. I didn't want to be the reason he broke up with her. I'm not that girl, nor do I want to be. He asked me about Messiah formal which is this coming Saturday and wants to go with me. I think that will be fun, not only to go with him but to have a date. I don't mind just going with a bunch of friends but it is kind of awkward when we're taking pictures and dancing if everyone else has a boy with them. I know I don't need one, but it's like a new pair of shoes... just a nice thing to have.

Untitled

I stole the caution tape.
Obnoxiously yellow against the charred Earth,
its plastic body leaving behind a faint trail of droplets
as a rare reminder of my indiscretions.

Maybe as a testament to piracy
or my need to amalgamate myself to your growing freedom.

Caution. We’re on dangerous ground.
Both unfinished
yet

here.
Transcending all we know
on our own construction site.
Self-contractors creating the illusion of a future.

Or continuity.

Caution. We’re on dangerous ground.
There’s a hazard in our building
within the cracked brick and termite-laden brownstone.
Dark,

precise landfills
drop beyond the realms of consciousness.

The fear of falling into you
and collapsing into your hidden darkness.

___________________mpr.11.November.2007.____________________

Saturday, November 10, 2007

blow it off

I really don't want to be at Hood anymore, I decided. I know, college is what I make of it and the fact that I'm graduating in two semesters makes it not only pointless but also impossible to transfer anywhere... but it still sucks. I hate living with a roommate. I really do. I need to have my own space where I can write and concentrate and not have to worry about people who I'm not exactly fans of come into the room to chill with her. It's not fair for me to feel uncomfortable in a place that I am supposed to call home while I'm here. I've talked to the various Deans and the only way for me to get a single room for next semester is to have a physician submit documentation saying that I need one for medical reasons. That's not a problem, except it would require me going to the doctor which I'm not about to do because I don't feel like paying ridiculous amounts for what is really just an unnecessary expense.

And in class, aside from creative writing and women in politics, I feel like I'm wasting my time. It's really not a good thing that I don't need to study or even put in any effort on my papers to get high marks. I think the lowest I've gotten this year has been a 98%. It's just to damn easy. And one of my other polisci professors is really getting on my nerves. He's 74 years old, anti-feminist, hardcore Republican and anti-choice. I made the mistake of advocating Democratic principles in his class when he was ranting on how the only thing wrong with America is the Democratic Party. Now, any example he gives is negative towards the Clintons or the Kennedys. Best of all, he looks directly at me when he does it. I'm not going to take that, obviously, so I counter every example with an equal of the Republican Party, but it's not right. Class should be more than partisan bickering.

...........

Completely changing gears, I had the weirdest dream last night. From what I remember, it was Thanksgiving but we were eating sushi and drinking saki instead of the traditional stuff. But best of all, we were all speaking Greek. It was just really weird. I think it's just my intense cravings for uni sashimi coming out. And my trepidation over going home for Thanksgiving. My father and his wife just moved and I really want to spend the holiday with them and then do Friday night dinner with my mother, aunts and uncles. But when I stated my intentions to my mother she started crying, claiming abandonment. WHATEVER. I think she isn't ready to accept that I'm almost 20 and have been making decisions on my own for quite some time now, most of them being much more important than where I celebrate a holiday that praises the pillagers who destroyed the indigenous peoples. Yes, trading corn for measles. Sweet. Also though, I really want my cousin and his wife to come up but I doubt they will. They're both working on a campaign right now and things are really starting to heat up with that. I don't know. I saw them for maybe five minutes last year and I want them to be there this year when I break the news about the campaign I'm working on and the job offer to the family. They've never even acknowledged that I work in politics and just to see their reaction when I tell them that I am the communications director and head speech-writer for a top-tier congressional race would be priceless. I haven't even gotten my degree yet and I'm senior-staff. My cousin's wife isn't even senior-staff on the race they're working on. Hell yeah I intend to shock them and enjoy every single second of it.

And with the Greek, there's this guy I'm kind of interested in. He's Greek and I want HIM. He's really sweet. My one concern is that he just broke up with his girlfriend the day after he and I first hung out. I don't want to jump into anything either but if that's what he expects... I don't know.

We'll see what happens...

Thursday, November 8, 2007

clarity within beauty

I met with my creative writing professor earlier today and we tried to rework "Accidental Conception". I guess I am somewhat ok with how it is now. But not so much. Anyways... here is where we are at right now.

Accidental Conception
Misery loves company.
Misery is crowding me.
Misery is holding a party
and I am the guest of honour.

See it and believe, you ugly bird.
We're covering my page with blood-red Crayola.
Does not come out.
Mummy's furniture has been used and stained.

Out through the glass, I see me cracking.
No matter,
let Fitzgerald pick up the pieces.
It is what we pay him for now, no?

My eyes, a vacant abyss,
delightfully absent from the scene.
Voices expelling carcinogenic
intentions, once meticulously concealed.
A mere

thought. Some secret, toxic knowledge-
a joke that amused them with its blatant perversity
and no one else.
Aside from the obvious peculiarities, they saw this.

Untyer.
Untyer.
I don't want to be.

Beautiful epic and I'm one less kid on Santa's lap.
With so much bloody rage, thank goodness it's the
holidays

and everything else is red.

Sin against conception.
Sin against an animal.
Sin against the truth.
Sin against a blade of grass.
It's all congruent at the table.
________mpr.8.november.2007.___________

I decided I really do like my creative writing professor. She really really REALLY understands where I am coming from as an author. She gets that I relish in the complexity of poetry and that I refuse to have my poetry read as just a paragraph with broken-up lines. But moreso, she appreciates that I take risks with my writing. No one has really ever told me that before and coming from someone I respect and admire, that means a lot. In a way though, I kind of miss my lit classes from last year. They made me THINK which is important. And that's the kind of writer I want to be. I want my poetry to be something you can read over and over and over and over but never get tired of it. I want you to have to stop and think after each reading. I want you to just acknowledge that I can write and that YOU basically encouraged that. I want you to sit and ask me why and how and tell me what you think.

I'm willing to take one on the chin, as long as I've got your attention

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

crapcrakers and cheese

So my professor neglected to tell us at the beginning of the semester that we have to do a poetry recitation. Yeah. Not so much fun. I know I could do something simple with a rhyme scheme and such, like some Dickinson or Frost but I don't think I'm feeling that.

The first thing that came to mind was "Lady Lazarus" by Plath. I think I can get away with that. I don't want to do a safe poem. I know it's going to be Sexton, Plath or Ginsberg... just cuz that's the type of person I am. I want it to be something I can get away with. Something so intrinsically Lilith it jarrs you.

Whatever. I just need to get this done.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

one and two and three and four

Growing up less than 15 minutes from NYC for the better part of my life has, without a question, affected my personality. I walk fast; know how to order REAL sushi (not California rolls); drink black coffee; run for fun every morning; know that you can never be too rich or too thin. I'm ok with that. I guess I just never really thought about how my New Yorkerish comes off to everyone else. Like last night, I went to the mall with some friends and one suggested that we go into a store tailored towards plus-sized women. Now, I'm not trying to come off as being a size-OO or anything cuz I'm so clearly not, but I guess I never realized till then that my friends were bigger than I am. Every time I look in the mirror, I see a disgusting, fat slob but in the store last night, they didn't even carry my size cuz it's too small for them. I just don't get it. I mean, I come from a culture where looking like you've eaten at all over the past two weeks is a crime so to be shopping at a store which encourages women to dress what they have and continue to look the way they do just seems so wrong to me. And then my friends got really mad at me when I went into a dress shop and they realized they couldn't fit into anything there. I'm sorry guys if I wanted to see if they had a dress I've been looking at for Winter Formal and that going into the fatgirl store made me feel disgusting. I'm sorry if even though I have far from the perfect body, I still work to improve what I have and that makes me thinner than you. Maybe guys, I mean I love you to death and all, you should get up off your asses once and a while and hit the gym or something.

Messiah is coming up and I am really worried the dress I have isn't going to look right. I still need to drop another 15 or 20 by the 17th which is totally doable... it's just that, even then, I know my dress isn't going to look as good as it should. I just want to be perfect so bad. And if it takes dying to get there, so be it.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Fright Fest!!!!!!!

I love my girls...


Caitlin and Me. I loved our costumes... and I LOVE this picture... I think the contrast between good (her) and evil (me) is really hot. Not to metion we both look really really really good.
Me, Random Cop at Denny's, Caitlin. Yeah so we walk in the front door after Fright Fest cuz we were craving some breakfast and he's sitting by the counter. I think it went something like this:

Cop-- "Nice costumes...'
Me-- "Thanks! We just came from a Halloween thing at school."
Cop-- "Whatever you girls want to tell people, that's cool."

All the while, Caitlin is laughing her ass off! Classic.


Me and Jeremy. Albeit I was not exactly dressed in the most conservative manner, I am unable to find reason for this guy, after I grab him for a picture, try to grab my ass in turn. Completely unacceptable. He didn't just do it to me, he also tried to feel Caitlin up. It got to the point where I told some of the guy friends we were hanging out with to get him away from us cuz I was seconds away from stomping on him in my disgustingly high stripper heels.



Me (Harajuku Girl), Lisa (Pirate), Caitlin (Cutest Lil Bo' Peep ever!), Kristen (Lazy Bee), Ashley (Dorothy). It's the classic all-girls shot. I have no idea how Caitlin and I managed to wear those shoes all night though. I mean DAMN, look at those heals! I felt sooo tall wearing them though. Which is an accomplishment and a rarity all-in-one cuz umm yeah at barely 5'4" I don't exactly tower over people haha.

Someone who shall remain nameless started throwing a poopfest when Caitlin and I went out for Denny's after FrightFest. Then that person started texting Caitlin and being a complete jackass, acting like he owns her and all. No bueno. So nnamed jackass, this one is for you.



DJ is my lover. End of story...

Saturday, October 27, 2007

crystal geyser water is yummy

I'm really confused right now with my friends. Lisa really likes Tristan and he's not into her. Which is whatever but then last night Lisa goes and "cuddles" all night with Mike.

This is the same Mike who basically used me earlier this year and I let use me earlier in the week and hasn't even looked me in the eye since.

But it's whatever. No regrets anymore. Because in the moment, doing whatever the hell I'm doing is exactly what I want.

Tonight should be fun. Haloween party with Caity and everyone... we're all dressing up and it's gonna be amazing. Love it.

Cheep vodka mixed with dry ice and Sprite is amazing. You don't even taste the vodka anymore.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

that is all

two pieces written during free-write in workshop today... not so great but at least it's something

untitled one

his voice still taunts me.
caressing the ever-so-harsh breeze,
dragging the tiniest pebbles over cliffs
and mocking their downward descent,
kissing the clouds goodbye.

the way he would lick his lips.
it still echoes through the stone cold granite,
sharper than the thorns of the blackberry bush in his garden
under which,
we used to kiss.

early autumn evenings marred by epically swaying trees.
he used to meet me there.
forever and ever unable to exist
anywhere near or far from him.

untitled two

his hands,
the cracked skin still marked by careless slips of pen
used to fit perfectly atop mine.
manly. strong. learn'ed. experienced.
jagged incongruous lines topped by unkempt nails
haphazardly shortened by bouts of nervousness.
such courage to just grab me by the waist and let me know it was ok.

he would open the door for me.
not quite silver, not quite gray or white,
but nothing but black inside.
the leather seats worn by long nights of talking
with those who came before me.
crumpled papers lay askew across the backseat,
lurching forward as he stepped on the accelerator,
the entire car thumping to the sound of sound
of south cali techno and east coast grunge.

never without a bottle of water, half drunk,
conviently placed in the cupholder between the seats,
a barrier between his intentions and my wants.
it might as well have been an ocean.

"why am i not good enough? what is so wrong with what is right in front of you?",
the regrets refuse to leave my psyche unanswered.

"thirsty?" he replied,
and shut the door.



Monday, October 22, 2007

hair dye fumes and cotton candy fingers

I just don't care anymore. No regrets from this point on... because in the moment... I was doing EXACTLY what I wanted.

Mother came down this past weekend. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Friday night we just went down to DC for good Ethiopian and ended up meeting Phil & Kim for drinks. It was actually really great seeing P&K... they've both been so busy with HillaryWorld'08 that we haven't had a chance to get together in a while. I think Phil is finally coming to terms with me being a position of influence and power within the political realm. Yeah I'm not quite 20 but I'm senior staff on a competitive congressional race and am known for being nothing short of ruthless. BooYah.

Anyways, Saturday we just shopped. I almost feel bad for my mom because when it comes to clothes and shopping and such, she's so positively clueless and ends up dating herself by either dressing too matronly or way too young. She doesnt have a bad body or anything. I mean, she's not ugly or fat... she just has no idea how to dress. Oh well.

I'm becoming a dark brunette right now. I decided it was time for a change...

Monday, October 15, 2007

eyes

Sigh. Tonight just about made up for all of the not so great nights so far. It was just me, Lisa, Tristan, Mike D, Caitlin, George, Brian, Abu and Stephanie. Just the core people, a few beers, a frisbee and a deserted hallway...

Things that were determined tonight:
- Whenever I speak I spread my stupid (thanks Cait!)
- Josh's love stink trumps the most expensive cologne
- Sea aemonomies are just way too cute and don't have male reproductive organs
-Vonnegut would marry me if he wasn't quite so dead
-What the FUCK is the internet?
-I am now to be referred to as "freak out", Cait is "purple sox", Tris is "Mystery Meat", Mike D is "Fort Condom, Josh is "M16" et al.
-One of our polisci profs looks like Predator

I love my friends.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

ouch

David Rebovich died and that sucks. For you all who have no idea about NJ politics, he was a professor down at Rider University in Lawrenceville and a nonpartisan consultant & commentator. And he's the reason I haven't quit yet. Mainly because he wouldn't let me...

After the '04 cycle losses, I thought I was done. We were doing the postmortem and I went outside for a cigarette. I couldn't take it anymore. I was done and yeah. He basically told me if I quit, he'd lose all respect for me. And Dave knew I needed the constant approval.

Then yesterday I get the call that I really didn't want to get. Apparently he had a heart attack while lecturing and died instantly. He was 58.

Shit sucks.

fuck it

tristan is over with. three guesses on who fucked it over. yup. yup. yup. yup. yup. lilith did. and it sucks because i actually liked him too.
.......................


and i also did something i told this one person i wouldnt do. whoops. i did. sorry. if you cared, you would have noticed by now.

si vous avez soigné, vous auriez remarqué par maintenant.

ive fallen and i cant get up.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

rire par ses déchirures

Wow. Ok. Where did half of the semester go? I seriously cannot believe it's already midterm week! Arugh. Seriously, it's freaking me out a little bit. Last year it did not seem that it went by as fast as the past month and a half have. I guess it's maybe because last year I was so wrapped up in campaign things with Linda that I was only really half-here and the deadline I was counting down to was not Finals and winter vacation, but rather Election Day. Even now, recognizing that half of the semester is gone, December seems so far away.

And yet, I'm completely content. I think. I'm almost...giddy. I mean, I haven't been able to stop laughing and smiling and just being silly even though there's a lot of crap bothering me right now. Yet with all the crap, I know that I cannot control it so I guess it makes it easier. Yeah...I know I can't control the fact that I might be knocked up. Or that my 16 year old brother DID get his 14 year old girlfriend preggers. Or that Mike is into the girl Rob cheated on me with (FUCKING JERKS!!!). Or that my philosophy professor gave me low marks on a paper because it was "too stylistically mature" for her and she thought I must have plagiarized it. Or that my stepmom is a skanky bitch and is using my dad to pay her bills...

I'm happy that I've met Tristan. It's been a couple of weeks now and yeah, we're STILL not (in facebook terms) "in a relationship" but we're dating. He totally said it himself too, it's not just a Lilith-being-stupid-and-girly thing. He's so freaking sweet too... I almost don't know how to take it. Today, even though he doesn't have class till 2, he showed up at 12:30 and just chilled with me till we had to go sit through the most boring lecture...ever. Then after classes we just walked around and explored and watched scary freaking movies. This weekend I don't know what's gonna happen though. It's fall break so we're off this coming Monday and Tuesday and he said he wants to do something this weekend so I'm not sure. I mean, I know I'm probably going to end up staying over at his house one of the days which will be cool. His parents are great and they're cool to hang out with within their own right. This whole dating this is completely foreign to me though. I guess I'm just not used to the whole someone actually doing nice things for me thing. Which is kind of sad.

Oh well. I'm determined not to fuck this one up.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Merlot

...aside from making me disgustingly happy feels really good going down. Let's just think about that for a second. It's so smooth and I can feel it warming my whole body (which is a great thing when your dorm room makes the Arctic feel like Tahiti).

I love the piece I'm working on for my writing workshop. I haven't really written anything that I can stand in a while and I miss that feeling...just knowing that I'm creating something worthwhile.

Tonight I'm just hanging out around the dorm. I'm actually ok with that for once. I needed to do laundry anyways and some nights, just sitting around watching Food Network television while writing papers is just what I need to relax.

That and my wine, that is.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

la la la de dah

So yeah. I gave blood today. Coming from someone who has multiple tattoos and piercings this is going to sound really weird, but I cannot stand needles. Just something about the whole process of giving blood is extremely perverse too. I mean, we were sitting around on our uncomfortable, nylon chairs with our right arms out with needles and bags attached to them. We could all see each other's blood flowing from the veins and slowly filling the bags with dark red almost purple blood. Parts of each other that just seconds prior were safely inside the veins....now...not.

Tristan and I are still hanging out. He wasn't feeling well earlier but after his late class let out he came over for coffee and a movie. Very cute. And he wants to take me to this street fair thing on Saturday. Even though we're not 'together' yet... I think that might be coming soon.

Haha. He makes me go all fluttery.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

hands held high

Let us see...where did I leave off? Oh yes, Tristan. God, has it really been that long? No mind... I guess that just means I have a bit of catching up to do.

Tristan took me out Saturday and Sunday. It was really cute, we did the whole sushi and a movie first date thing then went to Antitem and Shepardstown. He's really sweet and I think that's what's driving me crazy about him. I'm just not used to guys being nice to me. I don't know how to deal with it. He texts me sweet things at all hours of the day, telling me I'm beautiful and whatnot and I'm kind of at the point where I'm ready to tell him to chill out. We're not even going out yet. We just hung out for a couple of days. Nothing serious...I didn't even fuck him.

I'm actually slightly proud of myself for the last one. I stayed over with him Saturday night and I told him flat out that I have a bad history of jumping into bed with guys just after meeting him and that I respect him too much to do that. So we just talked and watched movies. Yes...actually watched movies. Proud, no?

Enough with Tristan now though...

I'm dropping Latin. It's seriously kicking my ass to the point where I'd have to fight for a C+ in the class. It's not worth fucking over my GPA for a class I just took for shits & giggles. Apparantly half the class is dropping though too. So no worries.

This whoring bitch from two of my polisci classes started a rumor that I'm sleeping with this grad student. I'm not. He's ugly and skankalicious and really stupid. I'm no longer even making out with the uglies and the dummies. I figure, if I'm gonna keep doing what I want, I might as well have them be classy. I'm about ready to throw the slutty monster down the stairs though. Actually, I probably would if she wasn't so fat to the point where she could crush me if she got pissed at me haha.

Mommy sent me brownies!!!! Yay chocolate!!!

Apparently this girl from my summer workshop is getting a piece in the New Yorker. For once though, I'm not jealous. She worked her ass off and totally deserves it. My day will come...

As soon as I write something worthwhile.

Friday, September 28, 2007

moment

So Rob is out of the picture. Apparantly, like most guys, he found it fun to cheat on me cuz I'm not a skank. Yeah sorry. But it's no great loss. He stole $30 of pot from Mike and $50 from me...and basically treats everyone like crap. Whatever. He wasn't intelligent either.

But...now I may have a new guy on the horizon. His name is Tristan and he's in my Women & Politics seminar. Yesterday during class, we ended up sitting together and grabbed coffee afterwards, before his Psych lecture. And then he ended up calling me after that let out and we ended up talking for like two hours...just talking. About everything. And...he kissed me.

It was raining... and I was being a stupid little kid and jumping into puddles. I got totally soaked, but I was loving it. Tristan was walking with me and just grabbed my back and told me that I looked really cute in the rain. And...he kissed me. In the rain.

And then, he called me this morning and we talked about classical Greek philosophy. Seriously...who does that? We're such nerds. And we ended up talking for like an hour...about the most random things--- coffee, windstorms, Crime and Punishment. And...this conversation shall be continued this evening when he comes over. Yay.

I love how I can go from person to person.... I think cuz I refuse to become emotionally attached to people. Meh. Whatever.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

way too good at this...

Boo. Boys soccer got their asses handed to them today by Mary Washington. 0-4. Ouch. It was the first game I'd been to this season too and I've got to say...I almost forgot why I don't usually go to those things. Not that I didn't have fun, mind you. It's just that the people who go are not the kind of people I usually hang out with. For the first 15 minutes, I pretty much felt like I was still in high school-- the awkward kid sitting and watching and not really saying much. But at least it got better when my friend showed up to watch her boyfriend.

Speaking of boyfriends... I'm really confused about Rob. I mean, we're together. Everyone knows it... people ask me how he is when he's not with me (which really isn't that often) and when he's with me, he's doing boyfriendy things like holding my hand and rubbing my back and snogging me and opening doors and such. I've spent the past two nights in his room and we're having actual conversations. It's nice. Really, it is. I just don't know what he expects to come out of it. I think...when it comes down to it...I'm going to end up hurting him (as per the Lilith norm). It almost makes me think that I should end it now...before either of us become so emotionally invested in it. But I don't want to end it.... I really dont.

He makes my heart go flutter.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Sparkles

Oh my goodness. I've been in the most amazing mood over the past few days. Rob and I have been fantastic. He and I are just so great together. Laying next to each other, in bed, just cuddling and listening to music...I just feel so safe. So perfect. So amazing.

I almost don't know how to deal with him. I mean, God forbid some guy actually treat me right.

Tonight I saw Merchant of Venice done by a theater company at school. Two hours later...I still need to decompress. I want to go back to Elizabethan England and live amoungst Shakespeare.

...if only.

Friday, September 21, 2007

talent

Why I am disgustingly proud of myself right now:
---Last night was composed of 3 shots of whiskey, 3 shots of rum and about 8 or 9 shots of vodka. Not only did I not throw up, but I am not hungover. Heck yes!
---My much older crush from grades 9 to 12 Facebooked me yesterday and I didn't revert into crazy "oh my gosh I want you so bad and I miss you and you are my everything" Lilith. Just a simple "hey you! you're alive! what's been going on?". Perfectly respectable.
---I went to Bible Study last night. Even though I haven't exactly read the thing, it was amusing. And quite interesting actually.
---I managed not to get really mad at Rob when he left yesterday for the weekend. I mean, ok...it's his last weekend with his parents not being at home so he obviously wants to go have fun. And he did invite me down, but I already said I was going home with another friend for the weekend. So I really shouldn't be making a big deal over this. I trust him, he trusts me. It just sucks not seeing him. Majourly.
---While hanging out with two of my favourite people yesterday, I found the two shot glasses I was missing! Not a big deal, but these are my really classy doubleshot ones that are perfect for lemondrops and doing body shots. Mmhmm yum.

So basically I rock. =D

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

runaway symphony

I'm now officially not going to be a member of the knocked-up college students club. Let's just rejoice in this for a moment. Cuz honestly, how bad would it be if I reproduced. Yeah. I don't even want to think about that. All that matters is that I'm not preggers!!! Woot!!!

...alright. Moment over.

The Renn poetry class wasn't working out for me so I'm in the process of dropping it. When it comes down to it, I don't need the credits and I was basically taking it to kill time and to say that I took a class with Sandona. Whatever. I have nothing to prove. I really need to focus on my Latin and other classes... And I want to be able to enjoy myself and not be stressed 24/7 like I was last semester. I mean, I'm still gonna stress myself out regardless but at least it will be self-contrived. For once.

I had a Creative Writing workshop last night... maybe I shouldn't have tried to quit smoking right before that class. Apparently they liked my offering but I don't know if they we're just being nice or what....because usually, even if the piece is exceptionally well-written, we tear it apart. But no, not with mine. This one girl, AJC, made a comment that it sounded...when she was reading it on her own...like it was written in my own voice-- not the "Lilith reading aloud in front of 15 people she doesn't know that well" voice. I don't quite know how to take that....or anything presented to me in workshop. I mean, this one is so different from the master class over the summer. Here, we've eliminated the strive for publication and are just focusing on the craft. It's just a totally different dynamic I guess. I know I need to work on my word choice-- I have an inclination to use the "five dollar words" way too much and it kind of muddles what I'm really trying to say. I know I need to work on showing not telling. I know I need to have more focus in my pieces....and basically just tighten everything overall.

I told Mike (Maryland Mike) that I want to have a talk with him. I really don't want there to be any animosity between us. It's not right. I know I messed that one up irreparably but he's a really decent person to hang out with and I think I'd like to salvage something for it...if that's at all possible. I don't know. Maybe because of Rosh Hashana I'm in a repenting mood...I don't know. But it's time for a change.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

.meh.

So I'm home for Rosh Hashana right now. Suprisingly enough, I haven't tried to or thought about cutting yet. And it's been more than 24 hours! I think, no lie, this is a new record.

Except I feel really fat and bloated and I have to see my extended family tomorow evening...which always just adds a whole new big ball of stressors into the mix. I think I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I am most likley never going to have the goddesses back. I am not ok with that, but frankly, it is what it is. Except, with that, I know I am going to have to deal with eternal repulsion of my body. Even now, looking in the mirror on my wall, the only thing I like is my eyes. I used to like my collorbones and neck, but now that I can't see the veins and the musculature isnt as perfect as it used to be...nothing but my eyes.

I am just a big ball of disgustingness. I honistly wouldnt be suprised right now if Rob is sleeping with someone else....because I am just that gross.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

malcontent on the deathbead

To all who I have lost over the past six months:

I do not hate you. I could never hate you. I resent you, yes...but never hate. I resent you for leaving me here alone. I resent you for recognizing the way out and following it. I resent you for leaving me here to pick up the pieces. And as much as you want me to come join you, I cannot. I am not done here. I still have too much to do.

Forever yours-
Lilith

Sunday, September 9, 2007

time to be real

Do you want to hear something funny? Well, here goes. I fully recognize my situation...the situation that I have created for myself...but I still continue to do what I do.

In the two weeks that I've been back at school, I have only been sober one night. I haven't had a fun night of drinking since I've been here, but that's yet to stop me. I keep telling myself, if I only get plastered one more night, then maybe I'll have fun. The law of averages, you know? In my mind, at least one of these nights has to end up in fun, not me rushing off to the stairwell to cut myself or passing out on my bed.

Yesterday I dropped acid for the first time too. It was beautiful. You know how Kurt Vonnegut says (or said now, seeing as he's quite dead but probably not rotted beyond recognition...yet) "everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"? That is exactly how I felt. I was happy and giggily and funny...and for the four or five hour peak, I almost liked who I am. Almost. And coming down wasn't that bad either. I felt reallyreallyreally smart. And extremely sensory. I don't know if that's the right word...sensory...but every single sense was epically magnified. And, probably the most pathetic thing of all, is that the acid made me feel skinny.

I also determined...either yesterday or the day before...that I don't really like Rob. I'm only really with him till I can find someone better. It's mean, I know, but it's true. I have no emotional attachment to him. Which is, when I think about it, really weird because it doesn't take much for me to become emotionally attached. I basically become attached to anyone who shows me attention.

I know that I want to marry Michael. Florida Michael. Army Michael. The Michael who has never doubted me nor used me nor judged me. I think Michael and I would be good together. He's stable, I mean... sure, he's a bit reckless. But not like me reckless...good reckless. I think you have to be a little bit to serve in the Army then work as a firefighter. He calls me beautiful...and I am such a sucker for that. I really love Michael, on a multifaceted level. His intelligence, his body, his eyes. The way we can talk for hours about absolutely nothing. How he'll text message me randomly during the day with the most cutesy things. The way he wont give up on me.

I know I push people away. I should probably stop that. I should probably stop being such a bitch too. I mean...ok...here's the deal...I want to change.

I'm just too scared.

Friday, September 7, 2007

fuckedy fuck fuck

Why my day was shit...

- I think I'm getting mono again. I'm extremly lethargic, I have migranes like no other and it hurts to move. Like actually hurts. Not to mention that i CANT BREATHE!!!!!!!1

- Wasteland was supposed to put up my piece....but they didnt. Jerks.

-Drunkemailed my prof from last semester. Whoops.

-Left my Renn poetry class today to throw up.

-Have to go home next friday for rosh hashana.








I hate my life.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

non debeo errare

Let me start with how much I love my Latin class. Seriously, I do. There's this guy in it, Bern, who is by far the most arrogant POS I have ever met in my entire life, but on him, it is completely endearing. Anyways, last night I decided I was going to quit smoking cold turkey. Sounds like a good idea in theory, right? Wrong. I flushed the remainder of my pack immediately after and was cigaretteless so I went to bed. I wake up this morning with the worst craving ever but decided to tough it out. I do fairly well, until I sit down in Latin and my professor walks by REEKING of tobacco smoke. On came the biggest nic-fit ever.... I'm talking the whole nine yards...headache, restlessness...
I don't know how I made it through that class, but the second it was over, I ran outside and started looking frantically for a cigarette... and Bern came up behind me with one. Sigh. I love cigarettes.

Mei amoris Latinus.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

weapon of change

I'm working on this piece right now for my creative writing workshop. I don't know what happened, but I just woke up this morning feeling ready to write... more so than I have felt in quite some time. I think maybe it was just the drama of this week that added water to my creative well. Anyways, the assignment is to create a piece focusing on an incident that the character avoids remembering or cannot clearly remember, working on making the scene as immediate as possible, not a memory or a flashback, but a depiction of actual moments shared by the characters. I don't know how to end it... but as of now, I think I have something semi-decent. Some parts are a bit loquacious, but I'm not too concerned. I think that should iron itself out as I workshop it.

Whatever. Here it is:

"Pathetic, no?"

She walks outside for a cigarette. It is just after four in the morning but time is irrelevant, as she has now been awake for the past three days. She is exhausted, though more emotionally than physically. And she hurts all over.

The cigarette reaches her lips, disturbing the delicate dichotomy in her mouth. It is composed purely of vomit’s bitter taste caused by entirely too much alcohol on an empty stomach and 2Cute Cherry lip gloss—incessantly applied to her cracked lips in a vain attempt to appear more attractive. The contrast between the juvenility of the lip gloss’ sweet, flirtatious shimmer and the nonsensical view of her, just minutes prior, being anything but innocent is rather striking. But it pales next to the disconcerting fact that she actually still cares enough to make an effort.

With a quick snap of her lighter, the tip of the cigarette begins to glow. She inhales the deadly salvation and at once feels somewhat content.

“What the fuck did I do?”

She tries to recount the past seventy-two hours, but it is all an incoherent mess (much like her life). She is so dissociated that even if she was cognizant of her actions, she finds herself unable to remember them as such. Her wrecked form folds onto the steps, blending in with the cold grey granite. Her skin is paled almost beyond recognition and shaking from the cold. It really is no great surprise that even on this sub-zero midwinter evening (or is it morning now?) the steps feel uncomfortably warm. She is tragically unique—the epitome of late teenage imperfection, which is inherently ordinary.

From her designer jeans, perfectly destroyed in sweatshops by workers paid next to nothing, she takes out her cigarettes and lights another.

It was never good. It was never fine. She was never happy, but neither was he. Two broken. Too broken. Two broken spines on a winding road, out past Hell. Her cigarette ashes fall to her arm, leaving a white cone of broken flakes on the unclothed and faintly scarred skin. The ash is still smothering, but she is so numb that whatever discomfort it is causing, it is completely inconsequential. She feels no pain.

She decides to be over what happened. Things happen. Mistakes are made. We are all young and reckless…and too goddamned stupid to recognize the difference. Whatever happened, it does not matter. But no, it really does matter because for her to now say that it didn’t would imply that something did matter to begin with. And no, she wouldn’t admit that now. Because everything matters.

“How did things get so bad?”

Saturday night, everything seemed fine. She thought he was somewhat impertinent—and coming from an intelligentsia fiend is a pretty decent compliment and just made him all that more attractive in her eyes. And his EYES…just his eyes…until they’ve gone and done dimmed out….

The way he played the guy she wanted him to be. He didn’t try to jump into bed with her right away. She thought he actually cared. No, cared is once again the wrong word because he did not. It was all a farce. She knows not why, but that is once again insignificant. All that matters is that she let it happen again. She fell for him and then screwed it up, as per her norm.

“What is so wrong with me? Why am I so broken?”

A third cigarette is lit, the smoke tendrils spiraling delicately towards her eyes. Vacant, they were, almost dead, her eyes still maintained the inherent ability to produce tears. And that they did, the sharp droplets dance down and caress her prominent cheekbones and are instantly dried by the constant smoke spewing from her lungs. She thinks about the scores of spiteful words thrust upon her.

“Yeah. It really is all my fault. Damn.”

She remembers a table and two refrigerators filled with Natty Ice, cheap rum and Mike’s Hard…the libations of choice for those on a budget and trying to get inebriated beyond recognition. She remembers begging for another shot to be poured in her glass and barely tasting the alcohol. The empty cans crushed and lined up next to the overflowing trash bins. Screaming along to the likes of Sugarcult’s “Pretty Girl” and having a major musical meltdown when the lyrics started speaking to her…”And that’s what you get for falling again. You can never get him out of your head. It’s the way that he makes you feel. It’s the way that he kisses you. It’s the way that he makes you fall in love.

She remembers going out for a cigarette with someone other than the guy she was seeing and coming back an hour later, sans bra and looking extremely disheveled. She remembers meeting yet another guy in the hallway on her way back from emptying her stomach contents onto the floor of the common restroom. And how the sweat pooled off his sinuous frame, almost steaming as it snaked down towards the filthy beer stained carpet.

“Oh my God. Please tell me I didn’t…”

She remembers how she stared at the ceiling, consciously attempting to advert every fiber of her being away from the moment. She remembers waiting for it just to be over and regretting everything the second it happened. She hates the way she constantly does it…the girl thing…and instantly jumps into bed with anyone who will have her. As she pulls out another cigarette, she realizes the one truth in her pathetic life…

"I am the one your mother warned you about..."

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

shapeless

So let's see what's gone down since Tuesday...

Mike and I are no longer a Mike and I. Which, when I think about it, is a really weird thing to say because he and I were never together. It was a mutually parasitic bond-- he wanted to get laid and I wanted to feel wanted. Such is life.

Ashley, my roommate, is seeing his best friend Steve now. Which, no lie, is slightly awkward. Mike and I made a really good attempt at doing the friend thing, sans making out or anything, but it didn't work out so well. Actually...I pretty seriously fucked it over. The thing is that I cannot stand is how Mike got to me. He understood every one of my neuroses and instead of me just being able to deal with them and the fact that he knew...so I started backing away. Doing everything in my power to make sure he'd end up hating me. Which, go me, he does now.

I got disgustingly drunk and ended up going home with this guy. But, unbeknown to me, Mike saw me making out with him. So now, not only am I the drunk girl with an attitude, but I'm a whore too.

And...maybe I am. Maybe I am pathetic with self-worth issues and that pushes me to do anything for attention. Maybe I make out with whoever will have me, just because I am so desperate for the validation. I don't know. I don't really want to think about it.

If I really am that disgusting...I can't even blame Mike for hating me. Hell. If I really am that disgusting...I have a major hangup over anyone even tolerating me.

But such is life.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

gag

Mike and I had a really big talk last night and he conceded that what he did was very messed up and so I guess now we're good. Yay.

I basically ADORE my creative writing workshop. The professor, Dr. Gottfried, is one of the most chill people I've seen in a while. She seems to be disgustingly intelligent but not elitist about it. I think I'm really going to get a lot out of being in a workshop where the focus isn't on readying pieces for publication, but instead creating something worthwhile. I mean, not that I didn't love my summer workshops because they were fantastic for me...really pushing me towards writing for an audience rather than myself...but that's so stressful. I think at this point, I want to concentrate on the craft as opposed to the end result.

It kind of sucks though because this girl who I had drama with last semester is in the class and she already made some pretty bitchy comments towards some of my opinions on one of the pieces we read yesterday. We were analyzing "Why Don't You Dance?" by Raymond Carver and I said something along the lines of the female character acting like a desperate teenager craving attention and the girl said she was basically acting exactly like me. I mean, come on...that's messed up. She doesn't know me that well and regardless, you shouldn't say things like that in class. It's one thing to say that you disagree with my take of the piece, but to make a personal attack....uncool.

I need to quit smoking...seriously. I think once I'm poor again I'll quit but it really does help keep me not as stressed. Which, let's be honest, is really important.

Monday, August 27, 2007

BREAK MEEEEE DOOWNNNNNNNNN

Arugh. I'm here. I'm over it already though. Why you may ask...well. Here goes:

1. Mike is a grade-A asshole right now. He comes over last night with his friend to drink with me and my roommate then tries to make out with her in the hallway while I'm right there. I don't really have any right to be pissed off cuz we're not dating or anything. But come on! Seriously...who does that? Especially when you say you missed me so much and couldn't wait to spend time with me...and then not even five minutes later, try to climb into bed with me.

2. It's hot and yucky out. I don't like feeling gross after just walking to Starbucks and back. Not good times.

3. I'm hungover and haven't slept in two days cuz I've been either at Mike's place or he's been crashing with me. LAME.

4. Latin is going to kick my ass. I only had one class of it, but I can tell already cuz of French, I'm going to have a lot of issues with the syntax. Damn it.

5. I'm out of cigarettes and can't smoke in my dorm.

Aside from that though, everything is fine and dandy.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

paralyzer

Boo.... very pissed off right now. I got booted off the work-study queue because apparantly so many freshman are on the program, the financial aid office couldn't guarantee everybody jobs. So now cuz the financial aid office thinks I don't present a significant need...which sucks. But whatever. I guess I can just bartend or somthing. It's not like I sleep anyways and the tips are pretty sweet.

I'm leaving Jersey in about an hour. Thank God. I've been over it here since...oh...about an hour after I got back. And now I get to chill with Mike and Meg and Ash and TIM(!!!) and Luke and Anora and Pryia and William and everyone else I LOVE. Seriously...without my friends...I don't know where I'd be. Probably lying in a ditch somewhere.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

...but never to the melody

I broke up with Adam last night. I thought after I did it, I'd feel something... releif, sadness, freedom, anything. But I don't. If anything, I think that just proves to me that I needed to end it.

I've never been the best at keeping relationships. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm selfish and give up the second I get scared or the instant it becomes work. But I don't think a relationship should be work. I should want to hang out with them. I should be excited to hear from them. And our conversations should be more than "I love you" "I miss you" over and over and over until I feel nausous from the pathetic, mindless innocence of it all.

I just...I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I love Adam. He's a really fantastic guy and he's fun to be around. But I'm not in lovewith him. There's a difference. And I don't think it's fair to him if I was to stay in a relationship where he loved me a lot more than I did him. He and I are also at very different places in our lives. He still has his senior year of high school to get through. I want him to be able to go out and do stupid high school things without having to worry about being tied down. I don't want to be an obligation for him. And conversly, I want to be able to go out and have fun in college. I don't want to have something stopping me from finding myself...especially when I'm just now sort of getting the hang of it.

But mostly...I don't think I was happy with Adam. Like really happy. And if I'm not happy...then what's the point? I know that sounds so horrible but I have to take care of myself and make sure I"m ok and if not being with a really great guy is the price...then I guess I'm just going to have to pay it.


(iamareallybadteencliche)

Monday, August 20, 2007

have you ever...

So a week from now, I'm going to be sitting in my Latin class. Freaking surreal.

Yesterday was actually really fun. I thought it was going to be a disaster, being subjected to an entire day of family bonding and all. But we ended up going to the track to watch the horses...which I LOVE. And I'm a monster when it comes to betting on the races. I guess that comes from being obsessed with all things equine for a solid decade of my life. The track is so surreal. You have such an eclectic group of people; burnt out stablehands, white-trash families looking for a cheep way to spend a Sunday afternoon, fat Italian men dressed in their best suits with cigars hanging out the side of their mouth...all grasping their bets with a glimmer of hope in their eyes. Hope that their horse will push ahead and get their overworked, juvinile nose across the wire first and give them a win. Me. I just like the horses. I go down to the paddock between races to see the horses up close. Sometimes I'll look them in the eye. When I do that, and if the horse stops for a second, I know that they're my guy. I don't know. They're probably not even cognisant of me, but it's what I've always done.

And last night, I finally cut my ties to Alex. I told him that it's not fair to keep telling me about all of these other girls he's seeing but how he's never happy with them. It makes me feel like crap when he does that because I know that he thinks of me as just another girl for him to mess around with but then comes to me with all of his issues. It's like I'm playing the part of girlfriend without any of the job security. Not to mention he shattered my heart...or what was left of it...numerous times. I'm done with that. I think I've finally realized I need to cut the jackassary out of my life. So. Alex is gone. (lets see how long this lasts...)

It's raining. I love the rain. It's supposed to rain all week, which I really don't mind. Except that I was going to go down the shore tomorrow with Anora to tan before we go back to school. Oh well. I guess I'm just going to have to deal with being freakishly pale. Boo.

Mike is...amazing. We talked for like three hours this morning. I love how I can just be totally random and he doesn't care at all.

I still don't know what I'm going to do about Adam. I mean, I know I SHOULD break up with him. But he has a lot going on otherwise, with his family. Serious stuff. He's kind of in a precarious place right now and I don't want to do anything that would put him over the edge. If anything, I think he actually really loves me. And I don't want to be the one to hurt him like that.

Sigh.

Friday, August 17, 2007

keeps you back....

I cannot believe it is my last Friday at home for the summer. Damn. Like....really....damn. I cannot wait to get out of here.

I think I might have to break up with Adam though. He's being clingy and I am definatly falling for new Mike. Oh well. I'm hideous at relationships anyways. Maybe I'll just cheat on Adam, just to see if it's worth breaking up with him or not. I don't know. I just need to do somthing to make him stop liking me as much. I think I'd feel bad breaking up with him, he's so innocent and nice. But it's just that, the niceness, that makes me want to make him hurt.

Wow. I am such a bad person.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

perfect kisses lead to one night stands...

Before anyone says anything...its a song lyric. I did not kiss anyone or in any way, shape or form cheat on Adam. That being said, everyone should go listen to The Apathy Eulogy right now.

Last night I had a really intense discussion. Actually, two. One with Adam and one with Mike (different Mike, this one lives in Maryland...like half hour from school).

With Adam, he and I started getting into Elizabeth Wurtzel-- wrote Prozac Nation, Bitch & More, Now, Again--and how she's my generation's Sylvia Plath & Anne Sexton. That thought kind of bums me out actually... I hate comparing great writers to each other. It just seems to trivial. Wurtzel is brilliant though. If I was to writing confessional memoir, that's how I would write it. I also really appreciate her use of voice. Wurtzel is self-depricating but at the same time so beautifuly tragic.

But then Adam made the mistake of comparing me to Wurtzel and started making suggestions on my writing. Like topical suggestions, not just editorial. I cannot stand that. I mean, he is not my editor. He is not even a WRITER in my eyes. He wants to be some mass-produced drugstore novelist a la Stephen King. I'm sorry but I really don't consider that talent. I love Adam to death, but it is not his place to compare me to great writers then try to completly alter my pieces.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just bad at this whole relationship thing. Adam tries, he really does. And I think I'm happy with him...but at the same time, it really kills me that he hadn't even heard of Waiting for Godot or know what existential meant. I don't know. Whatever. I really do love him though. Like the kind of love that makes my heart go all flippy even when he just texts me. Haha. I am such a dork.

Thank goodness Mike called me right after though. I am completly aware that I get elitist sometimes and he's not afraid to call me out on it. Actually, he didn't even call me out on it, no. He BITCHED me out. Which, let's be honist, I needed. But then, we started analyzing Les Jeux sont faits by Sartre. Now, is it just me or would you be a little confused about this? I mean, yeah...I should hope that everyone has read or at least knows of Sartre but to call me a pompus snob then inquire about my views on the classic paradoxical moral victory that are very much present in his work seems a bit...off to me.

And now I just feel so drained. But I love that feeling, you know? It's almost like here at home I'm in this vapid space where no creative or intelligent minds dare wander.

And now...I feel like a really bad person. Because, albet all of the crap my family has put and still puts me through, they're not stupid. It's just that I feel so trapped here. When I'm home, I am a completly different person and it really sucks because I want everyone up here to see that I'm not the little narcisistc bitch they became accoustomed to dealing with.

Whatever.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

scream

I couldnt sleep last night, probably because of the adrenelin shot. Not a big deal, except in my lack-of-sleep induced state (which I'm not all too unfamilliar with...see finals week or midterm week or any other time when I just have too much to do to bother sleeping), I screamed at Adam over the phone over how much I miss him and of all of the things...who loves each other more and then started to cry when he told me to be rational and it ended in him being the amazing boyfriend he is and telling me to go get some rest and he'd call me in the morning. Except now I feel like a complete ass which is perfect because I'm sure thats what he thinks of me. A fucking complete ass.

Adam's too good for me. He's too nice and lets me win when we fight and calls me beautiful. What the hell is wrong with me that I cannot even be happy with the perfect guy that I have right in front of me.

I hate being this messed up. Because I really do love him...to the Heavens and back again.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

ugh

I hate that as soon as the nicest day of the summer happens I get a killer migrane that's bad enough for me to actually go see the doctor, resulting in me getting an adrenaline shot and being put on a portable IV full of happy meds and nutriants cuz not only do I have a migrane, but they realized that I probably got it cuz I forgot to eat for the past five days. Whoops. And its not like I was consciencely not eating...the thought to eat just never occoured to me. Once again, whoops. Someone should remind me to do that once and a while.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

sixteen days!

Why Lilith is disugstingly happy to go back to Hood in less than three weeks:
-I really miss everyone and I feel like such a bad friend for not going down to visit anyone over the summer, even when I was in DC for work. We're all going to be crazy busy at school, but having us all in the same place basically ensures we'll at least see each other in passing.

-Back to school = sales! I like shopping and it makes me feel much less materialistic if I say everything I'm buying is nessasary for school. New shoes are the most important...they tend to dislike you showing up to lecture barefoot.

-Everything is so tense with my parents, I feel unhealthly stressed around them. Their mere presence makes me want to scream. The sooner I'm out of the state, I'll be able to breathe again.

-I can declare my major as soon as I get down there cuz I finally have enough credits. As soon as I figure out what that major is going to be, I'll let you know.

-Coffee walks with Timothy. They're like therapy but with a latte, someone I can actually stand (and actually love to death) and all the cigarettes we want.

-School is like the epicenter for the drama universe. As much as we say we cannot stand the constant superficial drama, we thrive off of it.

-Soccer House's first-weekend-back party. It always starts out classy, with cockstail dresses and ties. But give it an hour and we'll be on the table with the boys doing kegstands out back. Blackout, makeout, put out or GET OUT!

-Finally only being half-hour from DC. It really sucks how dependant I am on being that close for work and such. Oh well.

-Being able to gloat to this bitch from my AmLit class last semester that I'm getting published before her. She thought it'd be cute to tear my work apart and call me opportunistic and try to discredit every point I made cuz she doesn't see me as a real writer (whatever that's supposed to mean). Well, fuck you skank, I'm in.

-Seeing my professors. Yeah. I'm a dork. But, they have their job for a reason and if I plan to be doing what they do, I might as well let some of their brillance rub off on me. And, for the most part, they're pretty chill.

-Running with Dani, Will and Blake. It's great. We don't speak to each other at all, but we get this kind of unspoken comraderie going after the first couple runs and it makes killing five miles every morning less of an obligation.

...except now I need to pack. Boo.