leave

me here and let me go.

it would hurt a lot less than having to see me everyday still pining after what i obviously cannot have.

ecstacy and jelly beans

I want this day to be over.
I say "I" a lot.
Very narcissistic of me now, no?
But I don't really care.
That much.
I'm really not as messed up as everyone thinks I am.
I am capable of taking care of other living things.
Like kitties.
My name does not mean "The Devil" in Hebrew, Jakob.
Asshat.
I don't believe in the conventional labels that society uses to define sexual orientation.
Maybe I should have gone to work today.
Oh well.
Singular causes suicidal thoughts.
I think that's hilarious.
Bean knows.
She does not approve.
I do not care.
I might as well just go for it.
Or whatever.
If it's gonna happen, it will.
If not, bummer.
But I really want it to happen.
They rock.
Screw it.
I'm gonna stop playing the pronoun game.
She rocks.
She makes me happy.
I've got it bad for a girl.
Is that better?
I don't care if you have a problem with it.
I am who I am.
Deal.
I don't deserve you making me want to die on a nightly basis.
And you're not gonna fix me.
Because I am not broken.
Or maybe I am.
But I'm ok with who I am, thanks.
Perfection is still alluring though.
QMNMD anyone?
Starbucks today was awesome though.
I needed that.
The hangover this morning wasn't that bad.
99 Blackberries makes me pretty happy.
And that is not healthy.
Oh well.
I'm really vain.
Not even.
I'm BEYOND vain.
And really want to light my new beeswax candles.
But then the dorm would burn down.
Which would be sucky.
M has my Sylvia Plath dress still.
I really should get that back before it gets really warm.
I look kinda really awesome in it.
Very romantic.
They really should stop doing landscaping work at 7am.
It doesn't bother me.
But I know most people aren't up then.
And that has to suck waking up to a lawnmower.
My eyeballs hurt.
It's not my contacts.
But just my eyes.
Maybe I'm tired?
That is always an option.
This time next year I'll be in South Africa.
I'm excited.
Hardcore.
My brother makes me angry.
I am amazed by his stupidity.
There really is no other word for it.
Ugg.
I can't stand how every three seconds.
She's on my mind.
It's freaking me out.
I'm not good with this liking someone thing.
Note to self: stop being shy.

concerete angel

I feel pretty defeated right now. I just insinuated via text message for the first time that I may actually have feelings for the person I'm interested in and how frustrated that I don't know what we're doing (if we're just two friends who are hanging out or if there may be something more there) and said person didn't quite get it, I don't think. ARUGH. All of their close friends know that we've been hanging out and it's just so frustrating that I don't know where we stand. I have a big problem with not knowing. And it honestly took a lot for me to actually come out and say that I'm into them and to feel this shot down is really kinda messing with my head. This whole liking someone dance we all do is just sucky. I think it creates so much unnecessary tension it alone has the potential to seriously mess things up. Sometimes I honestly wish I wasn't interested in anyone at all ever. Yeah, it would be horrible being alone forever but at least it would be easier than having to worry about saying and doing the right things, not looking like a wreck and all that stuff with comes with liking someone.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I'm failing out of school. Go me. I completely failed my American Novel midterm. 55%. Go me. I'm just a big ball of talent this semester. At least, if anything, I'm moving off campus next semester into a really sweet apartment downtown and one of my good friends is going to rent in the same building. So maybe I'll be able to focus better on classes before South Africa in the Spring.

Spring is on its way and my allergies are not excited. Even sitting through class this evening, I was sniffily. And when I run in the morning, I've been getting short of breath from the pollen and whatnot. NO BUENO. Especially when the medicine I take for it, Singular, is now being investigated by the FDA for causing people to commit suicide. Death by medicine. Sweet. If you're gonna go out, that doesn't seem like that bad of a way to go. I'm guessing that your family would make bank from a lawsuit after the fact.

Oh drug companies.... how I HATE you. A lot.

promise what you will

I basically don't even care anymore. I hate drama. I hate not being able to do what I want because I'm so scared of causing even more drama. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that we only have six weeks left in the semester and then ....

I guess the main reason I'm not acting on things is that, well, I'm scared. I know that they and I would get attached and it would suck hardcore when I went home for the summer and they went to adultland. I just don't want to hurt them if it doesn't work out.

They make me so happy though...


(ijusdontknowanymore)

ick

I haven't been able to write for a while now and it's making me want to die. Seriously. I'm a writer with a hideous case of writer's block. I can't bring myself to create ANYTHING, of substance or not. And it's really starting to mess with my conscience.

Tomorrow I'm baking with Devin. I'm stoked. She's pretty awesome and I feel like I haven't had an opportunity to really chill with her in a while. And apparently she's Betty Homemaker so this should be pretty wicked awesome.

I feel like I don't know how to de-stress, I've been so high strung for the longest time. That can't be healthy, no?

Platypuses (platapui?) are pretty freaking sweet, I decided.

(((words that don't blow))
dragon
Aquarius
cashmere
extrapolate
mango
fairground
vanity
Gucci
salute
fire
braid
seafoam
rough
hardcore
silhouette
float
scarecrow
sonata
reaction
Cinderella
hostess
countdown
precious
clouds
engrave
frog



-thatisall-

immobilarity

I realized last night that I'm really scared. I have no idea about my future and that's really disconcerting. I have no idea about grad school or even if any program will take me. I'm scared that I won't come back from South Africa and I'll end up working for a NGO over there and loving it. I'm scared that I'm running away from what could potentially be a good thing with Michael down in Florida. I'm scared that I'll never be able to get over and move beyond my past. I'm scared of leaving my past. Really fucking scared.

And it sucks.

I ran into my old boss from the 2006 race Tuesday night at Whole Foods. Can you say AWKWARD?????????? Seriously, I have no hard feelings over not being swooped up by Stender '08 but I would love a little recognition. For once. I mean, I worked my ass off for eleven months for her and then had the audacity to think that I may get a nod for the rematch. It's whatever though.

My midterm essays are not working out for me... maybe I should roll with the whole plot to drop out, move out to SanFran, paint, write and tan.

so misleading and so contageous now...

This weekend was kind of ridiculous. I did absolutely no work whatsoever. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next few days leading up to break though. I have a lit review for my methods thesis, a methods exam, a bio lab, an English paper all to finish. Not to mention packing... which always takes me an obscene amount of time. And.. I mean... I feel bad. But I haven't had as much time to see my friends over the past week or so because I've just been so busy.

And... I know I'm going to be basically a wreck Tuesday night and for most of the day Wednesday if the inevitable happens. Which is going to SUCK. Seriously. I don't like being a big ball of inconsolable tears... but that's what's gonna go down. Consider yourself warned.

Florida Michael is driving down for sure. I'm so excited. He's just such a fun person to be around. And it's gonna suck seeing my grandmother like that... again... and he can make it better. So yay.
Mi madre still is clueless about the new scars. Hopefully there will be no awkward questions asked.

At least the grocery stores down there sell enough liquor to make it all go away.......