it's starting to rain a little bit outside...

So I might be getting kicked out of Hood housing. I just got a letter in the mail saying basically how when they went in to clear out the room after I left, they found a lot of empty liquor bottles and some pot with papers. FUCK. Because of this, they have no choice but to report me to Campus Security and the Dean of Students and they're gonna decide if I can remain on campus. 

I'm really nervous. I know I messed up big. Last semester, or basically all of last year, I was in a really bad mental place. I was sleeping around, drinking every night and smoking pot every chance I could get. I was dating people I shouldn't have been and doing a lot of other really bad things. I think it says a lot that I am trying to change, and have made huge changes in the right direction by joining ROTC. While I'm in the program, I'm not going to be able to drink or use drugs for fear of expulsion. I've also made the decision to live, not on my own where I know I'd be tempted to keep doing exactly what I was doing, but with a girl who is very straight edge and doesn't allow me to do any sort of drug. I've also finally realized that I don't need to sleep around... I'm pretty enough to make people have to work for it. I'm worth so much more than what I'd been doing to myself...

I think... what I might just do... is call the Dean first thing Tuesday and explain myself. I will offer to be drug tested randomly for the entire year, at cost to myself, as well as speak with the counseler in the Wellness Center about my drug use and other issues and attend NA, AA meetings. I'll seriously do anything for them to allow me to live on campus next year. 

Not to imagine how freaked out my parents would be if they kicked me off campus. I'm pretty sure they'd kill me. They don't need me aggrivating them any further. They're already freaking out epicly over ROTC. Oh.. here's a fun fact: the night before my Bat Mitzvah in seventh grade, my father beat the shit out of my mom. Aparently, while I was at my final dress rehersal of my service, she didn't fall down the stairs, she fell into my father's fists. Twelve times. This lovely fact was just shared with me earlier... I really needed to know that. Thanks guys. So now not only do I have the guilt and embarasment of being physically and mentally abused by both parents for 18 years, I know that I share those feelings with my mother. 

35 days till I leave for Ft. Knox... that's the only thought keeping me going right now. Otherwise, I think I'd be in a much worse place. And that's pretty hard to imagine.

what needs to happen in the next 40 days...

I leave for LTC at Ft.Knox exactly 40 days from now... I'm scared shitless. Not of the whole joining the army thing, but of the being ready thing. I'm scared I can't cut it. I'm in the best shape of my life, but I know it's not enough to set myself apart from the crowd. And that sucks. I just am going to have to kick my ass till I leave.

I also need to get my other tattoo before I leave. Preferably over the next few days... I want it to be at least on the way to being healed when I get down there. And I'm not sure how long I'm going to need to sit for it so the sooner I get it done, the better. I'm getting the dragonfly with QMNMD as the body and the recovery symbol in the wings with greyscale flames around the symbol. I'm stoked. I'm thinking its going to go between my sholderblades so it will only be visable when I want it to be. But it means a lot to me so I'm ok with it showing.

My grades from this semester weren't too hot. Actually, they sucked. I pulled a C in American Novel. I mean, that's to be expected. I didn't put in any work in the course, except for what I absolutely had to and I hardly went. Bio was a D+ which is the highest I think I've ever gotten in a lab science. Pathetic, no? I guess it just reaffirms that science isn't my thing. I managed to pull As in Polisci Methods and 9/11 Politics. That's to be expected though, methodology makes sense to me and so does terrorism/militaristic studies. Foreign Policy ended up to be a B-, which isn't horrible but still is nowhere near where I should be in a class like that. Oh well. Everyone messes up once and a while. I just have to make sure to keep academics as my first priority next semester. 

The parents are still not on board with ROTC. Mom is less opposed, I think. I told her I'm not making my decision with the contract till a few weeks after LTC. I know she's scared but still. My dad is absolutely freaked out. Oh well. I never asked for their support... 

non- photo blue

Here's the deal-

*I joined Army ROTC. Yup, chica's gone hooah. I'm not doing it to spite anyone and I realize the commitment. I realize that I could be sent to fight in Iraq (a conflict I don't really agree with at all) and that not going, if ordered, is NOT on option. I realize it's going to be the hardest thing I have yet to go through. But, despite all of that, I still am doing it. It's a great opportunity for me, not only to have to rest of college paid for, but to learn leadership skills that will carry me through life. But more importantly, it's a chance for me to be part of something so much bigger than myself. It's cool if you don't agree with me doing this, I never asked you to support me. Just realize, this is the first decision in a really long time that I'm really proud of.

*I learned a lot about myself this semester. I'm not perfect. I'm not as tough as I'd like to be... but I'm also not as broken as everyone thinks I am. And I'm going to be ok, I swear.

*You asked me a while back if I believed in happiness and I told you no. I lied. I really do believe in happiness, just not one found through external means. I'm gonna be happy one day, but I'm going to be happy on my own terms. You're welcome to join me... but it's ok if you don't. I'm still never going to forget you.

Sooo... that's the deal. I leave for Leader's Training Camp (basically ROTC basic training) on 30 June and I'm there till 27 July. Find me before or after... or I'll just see you kiddies in August

fucking finals week

i haven't slept more than 20 minutes total since monday afternoon. it is now friday morning and i am finishing my last paper of the semester. hopefully it will be done by 4am so i can go to my room and pack because i'm leaving here at 830am for nj. thank god my friend is driving so i can pass out the whole fucking way back.

i'm so fucking exhausted, it actually hurts.

freefallin'

Je ne peux pas respirer. Je pense que je peut mourir en fait ce soir. Vous m'avez fait cette façon et pourtant vous refusez même de reconnaître que vous avez fait. Vous baiser. Je ne vous veux pas ici.

Et quand je meurs, vous ce sera avec le sang sur vos mains cette fois environ.