Thursday, January 8, 2009

waste my time...

Let me just say, legitimately, I'm dying. I've had my suspicions for a while, but now that it's official... I don't feel so bad. 10 years, said the Dr. maybe 15 if I'm lucky. I'm hoping for 20.

10 to 15 isn't enough time to accomplish what I want to. But I'm going to be a trooper and deal with it.

Firstly, I'm going to do this crazy diet the Dr put me on. It's super healthy (no white flour, no fish, no raw fruits or veggies, no booze- or at least only red wine- no cigarettes, no liquids except water). LAMETARD. That means no sushi. But, I'm going to be a trooper. As I write this, I'm eating oatmeal made with water and a little bit of brown sugar sprinkled on top. It's pretty yum, I'm just not a fan of the texture.

This diet thing is supposed to make my body super efficient so the meds can do their job and my immune system can work better.

I'm going to rock this. I'm kinda awesome like that. Obvs.

Friday, January 2, 2009

21

And not having fun...

I am so overwhelmingly sad right now. And it's my birthday. Fuck. I need help. I need to get out of here. I need to run.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

don't look back in anger.........

As I sit here, with roughly three hours till my 21st birthday, I'm suddenly very pensive. Moreso than I have been in quite some while. It is a new year... 2009 is upon us and I do not feel as if anything has changed. My jelly beans still taste the same, as does what is probably going to be the last beer I imbibe underage (Heineken, if you must know). But I am starting, slowly, to realize that I am going to be okay.

It is with that spirit, that I have resolved (as per the New Year's tradition) to attempt the following over the course of the following 365 days:

-I need to start taking care of myself. That means seeing doctors, getting enough rest and start making better choices in all aspects of my life.

-Get my degree. I need to graduate... it does not even matter where from. Just that I do it so I can move on with this phase of my life. There is so much I want to do: work with State Committee or for the Party, sign on with a serious consulting firm, elect Democrats everywhere... none of which I cannot do without a degree.

-Work on being less judgemental. Seriously... I severly limit myself in regards to the people I assocate with based on my preconcieved ideas of their lives. Let's say, hypothetically, I'm at a bar and am approached by a guy. If he's ugly, I won't even talk to him, regardless of his personality. I'm exactly that vain. If he's drinking a girlie drink, I'll immediatly think he's gay. Just stupid things like that... I should stop.

-Stop keeping secrets from my friends and family. Not everything needs to be out in the open, but I feel as if I've ruined a bunch of relationships because I don't let people in. They deserve to know more, after dealing with the aftermath.

-Write more. I'm a FUCKING BRILLANT WRITER. But no one is going to see that if I don't expand. The crazy, confessional, Plathesque poetry has its place, but I can do more. I need to move beyond that. Find my own style witin the genre and roll with it.
And maybe publish something. I'm good enough.

That's basically it. I'm excited.

Here's to a nonsucky year.
Lilith.