the sun will always rise...

I think today is the start of a new era. I finally had the talk with school Mike. Or rather, I was slightly tipsy and went over to his place. We chill and then we talked. About everything. And... I think it's going to be ok. As much as I don't want to believe it right now, Mike and I can never be together. He's looking for love, not lust.. as he put it. And I'm too insane. And too... I think we honestly deserve being more than each other's last option. It's not healthy for me, or fair to him, to keep looking back on whatever he and I were doing for a while. Even though it's going to suck pretty bad for a while... it's just one of those things I'm going to have to deal with. And... maybe I need to just take some time off boys for a while. I need to start focusing on myself and fixing myself before I can even begin even postulating being in a healthy relationship with someone. I need to commit to making serious changes. Not just so I can maybe someday be with someone and not completely self-destruct but also... I need to stop being complacent with the situation I've created for myself. There has to be more than this...

slave to the groove

The only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that two weeks from today, right now, I am going to be laying on my boat somewhere on the Intercoastal, sipping champagne and getting perfectly tan.

I know it's so petty and probably really unhealthy but I hate being as pale as I am right now. It just makes me feel like I'm fading, even moreso than everything else. Hopefully this upcoming Floridian-stint will be able to amend this. Or, if not, give me enough color to hold me over till it gets warm in Maryland.

Aside from having to deal with familial bullshit when I'm down there, I'm hoping it will be a fun trip. Army Michael (not school Mike... I know there's too many Mikes in my life...deal with it) is trying to drive down from Daytona for the weekend. That would just be perfect. I haven't seen Michael in almost six months now and he's my person. He basically got me through the last half of high school, even when he had much more important things to deal with. Like killing terrorists and such.
He's such a badass! Fuck... I remember Mid-March of my senior year, right smack in the middle of his second tour, my rugby team made it to the finals. I emailed Michael to give him the news and he CALLS ME from the sandbox after the last game, just to make sure we rocked it. Or when he had flowers sent to me for graduation cuz he couldn't be there to give them to me myself. Michael is just that amazing. He gives you what you want... but also he knows what you need. And I think that's almost impossible to find in another human being, you know?

And now I just realized that Mid-March of my senior year was nearly two years ago. And now I feel old.

beyond the sun

I basically failed the bio exam I had today. I just don't get it. As much as I study for that class, I can't get into it. And whatever info I do retain, I can only regurgitate. Barely. Seriously, I could not even tell you how a cell works or whatever I was supposed to "learn" in the first four chapters.

I'm really furious with Mike. I think I'm once again realizing that I'm not even a friend to him. I'm just something for him to stick his dick in. Which isn't the best situation for me. I'm worth so much more than that. I think it's just the idea of him that still gets to me. The hope that one day (or night or whenever) he sees me, he'll realize that I'm the only one who actually cares about him and will always be there for him. The whole bloody thing pisses me off though.

Let's just take a moment and revel in the ultimate amazingness of PB&J on whole wheat. I just had one. And it makes me happy. Probably happier than it should. But... I guess that's ok.

My foreign policy class... we have an exam on Thursday. I'm not worried. It's foreign policy. I actually know this crap. And we're studying tomorrow night. By we, I mean CC, Dave, Hardman & I are gonna sit around and drill for an hour and joke off for three. Which is awesome. I really do love my boys. Dave needs to get over this cold though. Seriously, he's been sick for two weeks and seems so miserable. But... being sick is never fun so whatever.

ugh

After a long hiatus, Mike is back in my life. Just friends. Which sucks. It really hurts seeing him every day and knowing that he's not mine. We'd be so perfect together...

seek up

Today's the Wisconsin & Hawaii primaries... and I couldn't care less. Really. I think I'm just burnt out. When all you (for lack of better word) do for seven years is the political thing, it gets tiring. And I'm kind of at that point. I'm not over OVER it. But I want to do more.

I met with my adviser yesterday to talk grad school. I know I want to do something with international relations, with a focus on Africa. But my GPA is really really hideous and I'm left with a 3.73 after last semester. Meaning the grad programs with an Africanist in the department aren't even going to look at me unless I bring it up to a 3.95 or higher. Which sucks. I know I really don't have anyone to blame but myself if I don't get into a worthwhile grad program. I guess... maybe though... going to South Africa next Spring may help boost my resume. Especially if I can get some research done when I'm there.

The only thing I KNOW that is going to kick my butt if I don't start immediately is learning Afrikaans. The Dutch is going to mess me up but I'm thinking, because I have a background in German and some Latin that it shouldn't be too bad. I just want to be able to communicate when I'm there and not look like a stupid foreigner. And, although all of the classes I'm taking are being taught in English, I want to be able to communicate with the people I'm living with and such.

Wow... I can't believe I'm actually doing this!!! Finally something to look forward to that I've decided to do on my own terms.

be more perfect

I don't even know anymore. Every time I feel like something is finally going right and I gain the balls to submit a piece, I get rejected. I mean, it's whatever. I just would kill for one goddamned publisher to make me feel like the one thing I know I actually enjoy in my life isn't bloody garbage. I am just so frustrated right now. I know I'm not a bad writer. I just would love some freaking validation.

In other news, I scratched the heck out of my throat on Friday afternoon and was coughing blood for a good hour and a half after. Go Lilith. I swear. I probably am the only one stupid enough to purge in a dorm restroom and am exactly incompetent enough to scratch my throat in the process. I really am a freaking genius.

ANWAG is kicking my ass. I think I've realized how little I care about nuclear energy policy. Which kinda sucks cuz I'm contracted till the end of March and, by transit, have to fake caring till then.

South Africa is going to be amazing. I can't get over the fact that a year from now, I'll be on another continent, far far far away from everything here FINALLY studying what I want. I'm actually thinking of hopping on a research trip my family friend is doing to Sierra Leone in December and just going straight from there to Stellenbosch, just to get away sooner.

snowday!!!

Ok. Maryland people are whimps. I don't mind having a second snowday in a row. Not at all. But seriously. It's WARM out. I went out in flipflops and a tee earlier. Whatever.

I got roped into making a trek down to Florida to visit the grandmother over spring break. I dont know how I feel about that one yet. After the last visit, I've been trying to isolate myself from the entire situation. And now, having to go back... it's just gonna suck.

At least I can work on my base tan and maybe take the boat out.

remind me to never have offspring

sinister sister

I can't sleep. It's after 3am and I can't sleep. Last year, this wouldn't have worried me... but now it is. Because last year, I stopped being able to sleep a few days before I slid into a hardcore manic phase. I'm talking hardcore along the lines of not sleeping at all, not eating, existing off of coffee and cigs, bounce from class to class with hitting the gym and cleaning my room like there's no tomorrow between...that kind of manic. I don't know. I should be able to embrace that this is how I am at this point, but I don't feel like it. I knew I was gonna hit a manic patch at some point... but now. COME ON! I'm just starting to get my routine down with classes and consulting and such. I liked being able to kind of know what's coming. It was disgustingly monotonous and I hated it, but at least I had control over what was going on. Now...as soon as I get into it... I know it's gonna be bad.

I was able to find Polly's obit. Here is the link. Check it out if you want. Or not. I don't think it's that good of an obit. It doesn't list the cause of death. And I mean, when a 33 year old dies, people wanna know that. Not just the goddess obsessed. Plus, that's a really shitty picture of her. I think Polly looks too cooperate there, like she's trying to hard to conform to adulthood. I mean, I guess it makes sense since she was working as a lobbyist and such. But still, for her obit, I would have liked to see a pic that captured who she really was, in all of her fucked up glory.

Valentine's Day is Thursday. This is gonna be the second year in a row that I'm alone on a completely manufactured holiday. I'm not entirely bummed by that, though. I just don't think I actually care enough about other people (even my friends... sorry guys!) to have any desire to engage in meaningful adult relationship. Aside, of course, from my desperate need for attention. Actually... that's not a bad reason to get involved in a relationship. I mean, I know I'm bloody insane for being able to justify wanting to be in a relationship for purely personal gains. But isn't that why everyone gets into a relationship to begin with? It can't be just sex. There's no law you have to be seeing someone for that to happen, or for it to even be good. Some of the best fucks I've had have been with one night stands. But, I digress, there really doesn't seem to be a need for me to be in a relationship right now. Nor are their any half-decent prospects around here so whatever.

I've been toying with the idea of doing something drastic to my hair for the past few weeks. It's so fried to the point where my split ends have splits. Gross. I originally wanted to shave it all off but then I realized that's probably not a good look for anyone. I know, if anything, I'm just going to end up hacking off an inch or so over my sink. Especially since summer is coming up. There's something poetic about being tan, rocking a white sundress and having long brown hair.

I absolutely cannot wait for it to be warm enough for spring/summer clothes. Since I know you all really want to help out a starving writer, let me know if you **want** to make a donation to the "Let's get Lilith a fabulous new wardrobe" fund. I take cash, personal checks and of course, gift cards. I even have an awesome wishlist set up at Nordstroms, Sax and Neiman Marcus and I'm more than happy to send them over.

I'm not even kidding. Buy me things.

how bad do you want it?

I'm not pro-ana... but. God. This vid is amazing.

Polly, from the HBO documentary, THIN died. I don't know exactly when it happened because I can't find anything about it on googlenews or tmz or whatever. But that's the buzz going around. One of my friends who's also mia told me and she heard from a pretty reputable source. I don't know why that scares me so much. I don't know if it was her ed or other health issues that killed her...

I know what I do is dangerous. But it's such a big part of me now... I love Mia. I really do. Her and Ana have always been there for me regardless of how bad things get. They're my constant reminder that no matter how happy I am, I'm never going to be good enough. They keep me grounded. They remind me that I am imperfect and and imperfect person is a reminder of an imperfect soul. Mia punishes me for engaging in gluttonous behaviour that is not befitting of one with my talents. Ana is the reward. Ana only comes out when I've proved myself worthy of her control. I really do love them both.

The thing is... for me at least, it's not about a 'diet' thing. Because it's not a diet. It's not a lifestyle. It's a disease. Yes, I know this is a monumental step in me admitting that I have a disease... but I'm not ready to recover from it. And I'm ok with that. You can't become bulimic or anorexic. You just are.

It's a control thing. I have absolutely no control over any other aspect of my life except what I put in my body and what comes out of it. And as long as I can control that, than I'm good.

Recovery is just not an option for me right now. And I don't really think I need it. I mean, I can function. And I'm not dying. Which is basically the two things you get thrown in recovery for... the whole not being able to function thin and about to die. They don't like that.

I can't stand it when I feel like Mia and Ana have left me. I need to take some time tomorrow and devote myself to getting back to the goddesses for good. Hardcore. Because true perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but nothing left to take away.

And I am going to be perfect or die trying.

Constant.

Palm fronds traipse the toxic breeze,
vicious strands of kindergarten crayon green tangle
in the sea-spray scarred updraft.
Thunderclouds mark the horizon and I am
transfixed
to the balcony.

Young love, motionless, below me.
His cautious hand hesitating to grab her perfectly manicured fingertips
in a testament to chivalry,
protecting her from the storm.

Last night's now-neglected beer cans,
haphazardly left just beyond the dunes
now tango with half-smoked cigarettes and stale gum
twirling to crashing waves and lightning strokes.

I remain frozen. So
small.
Insignificant.
Against the one constant
during the summer,
down the shore.

lose control

Things you don't know about me and probably don't really care to... but are gonna find out:
-I love my eating disorder. There's something powerful about being in total control. Purging water after a fast and knowing you're completely empty is the best high I've ever tried.
-Doing drugs makes me feel sexy. Especially acid.
-I can't produce when I'm happy.
-I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was ten by overdosing on cold meds. All that happened is that I threw up all over the place and got to miss school for two days.
-My scars are the only thing on my body that I'm not repulsed by.
-I really hate most of the people in my family.
-I buried my best friend last year.
-Freshman year of high school, in a freak accident, a tree fell on a table of kids, killing one. I was supposed to be at that table with them during break except I was in the bathroom throwing up my breakfast.
-Being in crisis is the only state I feel even somewhat comfortable in. I cannot simply tolerate being normal.
-I'm still in love with him.
-I have serious father-figure issues.
-The evening before the New Hampshire primary, I slept with a married Secret Service member.
-I was drunk or high for the entire first month back here last semester.
-I resent my friend for asking the right questions.
-I want to run away to Africa and start over. I'm seriously considering it, actually.
-Even though I've been hurt so many times, I'd take any of them back in an instant, just to be held again.
-I couldn't care less about a majority of the people I hang out with at home.
-I only smoke because I look like a smoker.
-Quod mi nutrit, mi distruit. Forever.

FUCK YOU ALL

VOTE for HILLARY!!!!!!!!!!

Please. Everyone. Vote for Hillary Clinton tomorrow.

Tested. Ready. Hillary.

Why am I voting for Hillary? Well...
-Sen. Hillary Clinton's plan for shared prosperity will help strengthen the middle class and make sure no American is struggling to keep their family afloat. A strong middle class is a strong America.
-When she was in the White House, Hillary pushed the Republican Congress to fully authorize S-CHIP- the State Children's Health Insurance Plan- that gives affordable healthcare services to ANY child in our nation who's parents for whatever reason cannot provide it for them.
-Hillary believes that women's rights are human rights. She's been a steadfast advocate for full global equality for women, from equal pay and shattering the glass ceiling to protecting Roe V Wade and making sure Plan B is available over the counter, Sen. Clinton trusts women to make decisions on their own terms.
-Hillary is the only candidate who understands the struggle our troops are dealing with in Iraq. It's time to bring them home. With Sen. Clinton's plan of phased withdrawal, every single American servicemember will be back home safe within 10 months.

And aside from that... it'd be so cool to finally be able to say Madam President (and not have it be one of the chants we use at rallies to get the crowd pumped).

So if you live in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee or Utah and are registered to vote, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure you get out there and vote tomorrow for Hillary Clinton.

It's not just a vote, its your life.

www.hillaryclinton.com