i suck

I'm not doing ROTC. I haven't signed anything yet, so it's technically still legit if I back out now. 

Now for my rationale:
-I really enjoy exercising my right to free speech, in all forms. It wouldn't be right for me to wear a uniform and then go about bad-mouthing the President.
-I also really enjoy being girly, partying, smoking and pink glitter nailpolish. All of which, I believe the Army frowns upon. 
-I don't like to commit to things... I change my plans constantly. Always have. Right now, I want to do military intel... but who's to say six weeks from now (when it would be too late) that I'd still want to do intel. I can't commit to something so profound without being certain. And I'm not.

I think it really comes down to the fact that I don't feel right about doing ROTC when I'm ambilivent about it. I'd be taking the spot of someone who has wanted this their entire life, and right now.. that's not me.

So... yeah.

I also got a new tattoo... it looks gross now because it's peeling but when it stops, I'll put up pics. 

if i somehow get prevented from joining rotc...

my other options right now are:

-moving in with michael in daytona beach and eventually marrying him,

-move to be'er sheba in israel with omri and marry him,

-live in san francisco & paint/write/be high as a fucking kite,

-live in dc & paint/write/be high as a fucking kite,

none of which would be too horrible. i love michael. i love omri. i'd marry either in a heartbeat. i could very easily live in dc or sanfran and just do my thing. but i'm not really prepared to give up something i've wanted my entire life because two concieted fuckheads want me to subscribe to their plan instead of my own...

migranes suck

I'm pretty sure all the aggrivation my parents are giving me over doing ROTC is making me physically sick. I passed out running this morning and now I'm dizzy and migraney and cant keep anything down. It's just another way for them to try to sabotague me. Assholes. Whatever. They can't stop me from doing this. I've already told the cadre to disregard anything from either of them sent on my behalf. They have no legal power over me and I'm not going to let them fuck with my life anymore.

That being said, my dad is completly blowing this out of proportion. Father's Day is Sunday and he said straight up he doesn't want me there. I mean REALLY dude... that's just not cool. And I don't want to leave for LTC with him pissed at me, but if that's the case then so be it.

where i stand

One of my best friends, Christine, and I got an apartment off campus. Hood said I could still live on campus, but frankly, after all of this drama I'm kind of done with it. It'll be good for me to live off campus. And I'm still going to be around campus enough... I'm taking 18 credits, doing ROTC and working for Institutional Research, plus maybe getting a research position with a professor. So it's not like I won't be seeing my friends... because I clearly will. And the apartment is really cute, it has this amazing exposed brick in the master bedroom (my room!), all new stainless steel appliances and a gorgeous balcony where we can put flowers and such. Yay. 

I leave for Ft. Knox in 20 days. I'm nervous. I'm actually more nervous for my DoDMERB physical on Friday than LTC. I'm just really scared of doctors... I've never had good experiences with them and I work myself into a tiff before seeing them and it just makes the whole situation so much more stressful than it needs to be. I'm thinking of asking my Mom to come with me and hold my hand. I know... I'm freaking 20 and should be able to go to the doctor alone, but it's just one of those things I like to have someone there for. 

Speaking of doctors, that's where I was earlier. I woke up not being able to breathe. Major panic attack. The breathing thing is really good, you know? I think it was probably the change in weather (we've gone from 60 degrees to 94 degrees in two days...grr) that messed me up. So they drew some blood and determined that I'm just stressed. Which , truth in advertising, I am. But they also want me not to run or train or anything till Tuesday. Yeah, that's not going to happen. Running is the only thing that really de-stresses me. There's nothing like waking up before the sun and being the only one on the road. It's become so automatic for me, like brushing my teeth. I don't think about it in the morning, I just do it. There's no question about it in my mind.

Michael and I talked last night. I think he and I are gonna be ok. Right now, we're good as just friends. We're both ok with that, even though we're both still madly in love. He's not thrilled that I'm doing ROTC, only because he doesn't want me to see war. But I want to be there, and he respects that. I'm trying to go down to Florida when he's back on leave in August, I just need to find a job in Frederick first, off campus and reasonably close to the apartment. OMG YAY. I just realized that now I have the apartment, it's going to be so much easier to have him over when he's in DC. Yayyyy. I really care about him. Michael's my first real love and I don't think you ever get over that. I don't think you're supposed to, either. Nor do I want to. Last night, before we hung up, we were talking about the last time we spent the day together. It was so cliche, but it was amazing. We went to this little park about a mile from his house with a blanket and just lay out talking. It was so perfect. Anyway, last night Michael said that was the happiest he's ever been in his whole life. It's just those things that make me love him even more...

I still haven't gotten my tattoo. At this point, with only 20 days, I don't think it's smart to get, unless I go tomorrow or Monday after work because of the healing time. But I have the perfect dragonfly I want so we're all set. 

never give up EVER

Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.

-- Lance Armstrong