immobilarity

I realized last night that I'm really scared. I have no idea about my future and that's really disconcerting. I have no idea about grad school or even if any program will take me. I'm scared that I won't come back from South Africa and I'll end up working for a NGO over there and loving it. I'm scared that I'm running away from what could potentially be a good thing with Michael down in Florida. I'm scared that I'll never be able to get over and move beyond my past. I'm scared of leaving my past. Really fucking scared.

And it sucks.

I ran into my old boss from the 2006 race Tuesday night at Whole Foods. Can you say AWKWARD?????????? Seriously, I have no hard feelings over not being swooped up by Stender '08 but I would love a little recognition. For once. I mean, I worked my ass off for eleven months for her and then had the audacity to think that I may get a nod for the rematch. It's whatever though.

My midterm essays are not working out for me... maybe I should roll with the whole plot to drop out, move out to SanFran, paint, write and tan.