whatever gets you through today

so i went to health center earlier. apparantly, i'm the most healthy sick person they've ever seen. i'm not really sick but i'm making myself sick from stress. i need to stop stressing but i really cant. i have the lit midterm due thursday and then the 3-5pg paper due for lit on the 29th.

and i know i shouldnt be stressing about the lit stuff. i'm not that dumb. or not even that...i need to do well on my papers. i need to prove to myself that i'm not wasting my time here. i need to know that i've actually learned somthing these past two semesters and that i can do college-level lit papers and not suck at them. i need to know that i can go on to do graduate work and not be completly over my head.

tomorow is the first day of spring. that makes me happy. i want to go hiking or somthing this weekend or maybe go riding or whatever to commerate the occation. but since i dont have time, ill probably just end up getting free ritas (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and taking a blanket, my laptop and my copious amounts of homework out to the quad and find a nice tree to sit under and just enjoy the beautiful spring weather.

i know i go on and on about my lit class but whatever...it makes sence to me. if it came down to it...i'd become an english major. but i care too much about polisci and frankly, i've invested too much time and energy into politics to just walk away from it.

we just checked out rappaccini's daughter by hawthorne for lit. i like his idea that beatrice is so beautiful but posionous. i think...because it makes sence to me. i like to think of beauty not being the most asthetically pleasing but the most striking. and i do think beauty is extremly subjuctive and more of a corrosive force than a positive one. when i was the "pretty" girl i was only the pretty girl and i bought into it. i realized that i was only liked for being hot and i had the worst self-esteem issues ever and pretty much almost died to stay the "pretty" girl. its not worth it. and not even that...the beautiful ones are the ones that will break your heart.

but we are all going to die lonley.

c'est la fucking vie.