so its my last night here at nannys. today was a good day. i think she realized that i'd be flying home (or back to maryland) and made an effort to be a little more there today. even though it was really cloudy and kind of gross this morning, we took the boat out. i made a little brunch...almost as an afterthought before we left. i found this amazing 1996 dom perignon rose for myself hidden in with her wines and i went out to whole foods and got some cranberry scones and orange juice for nanny. i probably shouldnt be drinking champaigne at 10am but whatever. i'm allowed to be young and dumb.
despite all the crap going on...nanny remembered my wine cravings and said she's going to leave me her collection and her stemware. i'm greatful but still...that's kind of sad. i dont want her to think the only reason i came down for the week is to get somthing from her. it's really not at all. despite my shitty past with my family, theyre still family and i was trying to be proactive in trying to make things less sucky. and i have so many good memories of when i was a kid and being in florida with nanny and poppie. and i guess cuz everything right now for me is so crazy, im looking for my equilibrium wherever i can.
i think i've realized or i'm begining to realize that i'm never going to get my childhood back. i was forced to grow up really really fast. and i guess because of that...i never have stopped being (or trying to be) older than i am. i mean...i try to be like everyone else my age but it doesnt work. it's actually kind of funny when i do cuz i come off as being extremly awkward. i'm not that awkward, i dont think, when i just stop caring and act how i feel. yeah i'm 19 but i look older and act it. i think that's why (along with my very very very low bullshit tolerance) that i get along better with people a few years older than i. but also i guess cuz i had to deal with so much shit as a kid i'm just really jaded and cynical now. whoops. sorry. i'll try not to be so fucked up next time around.
tomorow morning its back to jersey for 14.6 hours (how pathetic is it that i'm actually counting?) to visit dad & his wife before hoping the acela back down to dc for drinks with jess then back to school. hopefully jess has my care package...i dont think i'm going to be able to carry down from jersey and i'm pretty convinced the bomb dogs they have all over union staion are the same as the drug dogs so i dont want to risk it. i dont think i can make it through another month without anything to help me escape.
because isnt that what its all about...the escape?
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