kill me mk?

i mentioned last night/early this morning that i've been grappiling with the almost parilytic fear over my definition of perfection never being reached. it's actually been really bothering me all day. i dont really know why. maybe it is because of the fluidity of the word "perfection" in society. or maybe because my definition of perfection is constantly changing.

anyways. i decided to make a list. i know. whatever. but this is what i concider perfection to be. not just physical but emotional, spiritual, intellectual...everything.

and please keep in mind that i am not what would be called normal. i've got dark and twisty things going on inside me. but this list is mine...despite (or because of) how i view the world...this is what i consider true perfection to be right now:
-sunrise on the north end of long beach island
-the color white
-allegra beck versace
-baker park at night
-magic hour
-1993 napa pinot noir select
-really really good writing

this paper...its still not done. is going to be the DEATH of me. no matter what i do...it is never ever ever going to be good enough. i know i am going to have to turn it in tomorrow and i'm not going to be happy with it.

but then...are we ever really happy?

and also...you know that feeling where you finally get control. and you have it for a nanosecond. and then...its just gone. i thought i had my control finally back and its not.

and that scares the shit out of me.