worst hunger pains immaginable right now. i tend to not eat. sorry. whoops. not like i have an eating disorder or anything.
i'd like to think of it as more disordered eating. i'll not eat for a week or so then eat normally for a few days...then not eat again. i dont really know what triggers my fasts...stress maybe. or the fact that i rarely have time to eat. or being busy. i mean...i dont know. there are so many other things i could be doing instead of eating. and there are so many people going hungry by their situation rather than by choice...i feel almost guilty to have the ability and means in which to eat...but i choose not to eat.
i really want to just be able to dance between the raindrops and not get wet. to turn sideways and disapear. i like that word. disapear. i think...for the longest time i've been seaching for somthing to do...what my ultimate goal should be. and i think it should be to dissapear. not like die...but just not to be noticed.
and even by saying that...that's kind of paradoxical because my biggest fear is to be forgotten. and it's not like i hate humanity or anything...i just dont like how societly instantly judges. everyone. on everything.
there is never a second chance for a first impression.
ugh...its been three days since i last ate. i love the point where i am heading towards. that absolute emptyness. i think part of me wants to proove that i am strong enough to survive independantly of any means. including food. but i really just need my stomache to stop growling at itself. i know...it's just part of the purification process but damn...i need to get to bed.
i emailed my high school lit prof...just to check in. i wonder what he's up to. he was my person in high school...so chill...easy to talk to...always listened. relaxed. relaxing. always knew what to say to bring you back down. i miss the guy. i think he was the first teacher or prof ever that ive ever connected with in a way that is not simply based on grades. because when it comes down to in...an education is not (or it shouldnt be just based on grades). yeah...the validation of getting an A is always nice but for me...education is about personal growth and a good prof will foster that. he did that. it was never anything major but all of the little chats about absolutly nothing of substance or occationally talking about the coursework...i dont know. he made me a better person.
i think...especially in high school...you need someone like that to keep you grounded.
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I like what you wrote about your high school lif prof. I was really good friends with mine too, and used to spend hours sitting at her desk, chatting about books, school and life in general. It's been over 10 years, and we're still in touch. Yours sounds like he's a great person.
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