just for now

the paper has been turned in. whatever. it is what it is.

i would have thought that after i turned it in i would feel better about it...that it's out of my hands. but no. i'm still freaking out. and my prof blatently told me after class that it was good. but still. i dont want my writing to be good. i want it to be great. i want someone to read it and have that "ah ha" moment. the moment that gets their brain moving. i know having that happen vis a vis an academic paper is pretty much impossible but...if i cant at least make some sort of statement through my writing then i dont know if i want to even do it. i mean...what's the point?

and even though it's in now...there is still so much i could have done. i made so many stupid mistakes...left out quotation marks surrounding a title, had a misplaced period (or three)...that sort of stuff.

i think that almost bothers me more...fucking up on the insignificant things. to me, by doing so...it shows how amateur my writing still is. i dont want to be a crappy writer. yeah. i'd much rather write somthing creative but if i cant do the papers and such required for my degrees then i am really really scared that i'm never going to be writing at the level i know i can.

if i didnt need to have a real job...part of me wishes i could just write all the time. just write everything. and take pictures of everything. just be an impartial observer commenting and creating....completly immune from societial pressures. the ultimate reclusive free spirit.

but...thats never gonna happen.