portions for foxes

so frank and i are over for real this time. i did a lot of thinking and realized that there were too many things making me not want to be with him. i actually made a list:

1- too much drama. guys in their early 20s are still mentally 17 and there is a reason i never hung out at high school.
2- he was disrespectful. that, within itself, is a deal breaker.
3- it was too much work. when you just start dating someone...it's supposed to be fun. it was for a couple of days but then we hit a plateau that we couldnt come out of. it just wasnt fun anymore.
4- time. i (a) had no time for him and visa versa. and (b) i'm off to vermont in 50 days. and when i'm there i need to be focused on work and winning and learning how to finally win in the 7th.

and when it came down to it....i just dont want to have to be worrying about somebody else. i'm still trying to figure out how to cope with my own issues and i know its selfish but i need to worry about myself right now. i'm one sick cookie.

emotionally...not physically. no need to worry about my physical health yet. but...i know it's going to go downhill. alzhimers and parkinsons are both dominant on either side of my gene pool. so i'm going to die, flailing about- incapacistated by tremors-- but itll be ok cuz i wont have any recolection of it cuz i will have checked my mind at the door.

how shitty would that be...or is going to be. i mean. not even the fact that i know how i am going to die but how i know there is no way to stop it and my spouse (if i ever find someone who can deal with being with me) will be left hanging.

but...i should be greatful. i should be doing somthing productive with the time i have here. how messed up is it that purely because of where i was born, my status in the global community is infanitly higher than someone from a peripheral country. i have so many opporunitites but ...i dont take them. whereas you have these genniuses from a 50 person village from the middle of africa who not only take every opporunity put in front of them but search out new ones...new challenges.

and i always say that i'll do somthing tomorow. i have the worst procrastination problem ever. i need to start working on that. actually...here's a list of what i need to get done by sunday night:

1- reorganize my room. i want to put both of my beds together so it's one giant king-sized bed and i have these amazing egyptian cotton sheets that i brought back from spring break. i need to re-hang my christmas lights...they're looking a little droopy.
2- figure out what clothes can be sent back to jersey with me during passover. i dont need winter clothes down here when im sitting in my room in tanktops and skirts.
3- social commentary rhetorical analysis paper outline. the paper is due on thursday and i figure if i email over the outline & get some feedback...it wont suck as much as if i did it cold.
4- finish reading for terrorism & justice. the book we're working on right now is going to be the death of me.
5- talk to my dfa people and just make sure everything is legit for may. fuck yes...i get to spend my summer in burlington and work with some of the greatest people in the world and go hiking and clifjumping and be all nature on weekends and hang out with ed and regin and their two kiddies who...even though they arent real family...they are as close as it...but dont suck.

yeah. i think i'm just freaking out...as i tend to do periodocally. at least my freakouts have gotten to be so much more healthy. before...i could be found with a bottle of robo or somthing disgusting like that and tripping out in my room but now i just breathe.

breathing is underrated. you should try it sometimes.