what if?

its raining. i love floridian rain. during the summer, you could set your watch by it. every afternoon...for around an hour...the skys open up then just as sudden as it started..it all ends with a rainbow. and for that instant. you think everything is going to be ok.

nanny's asleep on the couch. she was listening to some bach just as the rain started. she dozed off a little while ago and so i moved out on to the balcony to watch the rain and do some thinking.

i talked to mike for a bit earlier. he's stressing out...understandably. i think he's just hit the wall. he's talking about leaving the buisness. i dont know if he's serious or not. but i think he might be. even though i dont know how someone could ever leave it...i'm the kind of person who will back him up in whatever he decides to do. if he decides to go...i'll be sad. i think seeing him walk away from it all will be the hardest for me. i mean...mike was definatly my guy last cycle. i feel bad that i didnt trust him for the first week or so...but i'm like that with every new person i think. in this buisness...you never know who you can really trust. but anyways...mike let me do things he probably shouldnt have. he let me write issue papers, taught me how to write press releases...that sort of stuff. but he was always really chill to me too...my first weekend at school i drunk dialed him at like midnight. whoops. and when i was back for e-week it was like nothing changed. yeah i was doing more field work cuz that's what happens haha but i brought my stuff down to his office and we bitched at each other while we got our stuff taken care of. and as soon as either of us got to the point where we thought we couldnt deal with the pressure anymore...we went into the parking lot and screamed, threw up, had a cigarette and right back in to keep going.

mike is honistly one of the most chill people i know. he's my person.

i think also part of why i'm so upset over mike maybe leaving is because cant even understand where he's coming from. yeah, he's 30 and i'm 19 but ive been around a while for someone so young. but still...i dont get how someone can want to walk away from this. yeah, ill talk sometimes about what i'd do if i wasnt doing this but i dont mean it. or if i do...ill do those things when i'm too old to do this anymore. but right now, i cant leave it. its my drug. seriously. after eday, kickass or not, i come down hard. but then i take a week off to make sure i dont die from lack of sleep then start it up all over again. yeah...i love it.

my work people are my family. they really are. i mean...i know we're some of the meanest people with the biggest egos in the world but when you put 30 of us in an attic at midnight 5 days out and go through what needs to be done by 4am and you know it will get done. we're at the point where we have packet hell down to a science, know what brand everyone smokes, who carries what (and i'm not talking about bags or boxes), know how everyone takes their coffee, and know who sucks at what. we're a finely tuned machine and damn proud of it. and when one of us leaves it sucks. we have to start all over again.

and for the most part, i like our e week group now. we've been together for a couple cycles. theyve seen me at my best and my worst. but theyve seen it all and theyre still here. i know ive said it before but i'll say it again. i would not be the person i am today without their constant judgement.

tough as nails is the only way to be.

i figure, as soon as you let one person it...the door barges wide open and cant be shut. and the more people you let in, that is how many more times you are going to be hurt. yeah...pain is the human condition and we need to suffer to prove that we are still alive. but the more people i let in, the more people are going to learn about me and judge me. i crave judgement...just not all the time you know? and yeah it makes me weak and the goddess doesnt tolerate weakness but i really cant handle external judgement constantly. not when i'm so critical of myself every day.

and i really dont want everyone to see all of the shit ive been hiding. seriously...if someone saw all the crap i have to deal with theyd run sooo far away. i'm the epitome of damaged goods. but how can i not be. i know its cheesy to blame shit on my childhood but it really is the root of all my issues. i think maybe because of everything...i just dont know how to love. i think if i saw love as a kid and somehow figured out that way how to love then everything would be different. i dont think id hurt so much otherwise.

except we love the pain. its who we are.