universal soldier

I am officially done with all of my classes for the year! I made it through an entire year of college! I've learned so much this year...

Coming into college, I thought I had my entire life planned out. I was going to graduate, go work on the Hill, start a non-profit back in NJ, get elected to the House, then the Senate, then the NJ Governorship then the White House...serve my time there then go do humanitarian work somewhere...be a good statesperson. But over the course of the past ten months, I've wanted to:
-work with the EPA to ensure the purity and sustanibility of freshwater reserves worldwide
-move to Sub-Saharan Africa and teach woman about birth control and disease prevention
-become an indie singer/songwriter
-be a wedding planner
-work in public relations
....and the list goes on and on. A few months ago, I wouldn't have been even remotely comfortable with any indecision about my future. Although I'm still not 100% cool with it, I can **somewhat** cope. Or if not cope, at least adapt and maybe even embrace the uncertainty.

My first day of classes in college ever...it was a Monday and I had Mass Media, Women's Studies and then this Freshie writing/lit class called "Growing Up Female". Mass Media was easy. There were mostly other Freshman in the class, and the few who weren't I had met at a party during orentation weekend...and the professer was a complete ditz. Women's Studies though, completly different story. I walk in and realize that not only am I the only freshman in the class, I'm the only underclassmen and the only non-Gender Studies major. Big wake up call. I struggled through the first hour and fifteen minutes of that course and left the room completely dejected. I felt completly incompitant and wanted to pack my room up and quit. But, I didn't. Later that night was the lit class. No lie, I walked in and instantly thought I was back in Pete Horn's junior lit class in high school Not that the work was easy, but I have always felt at home in lit classes. And one of my friends from orentation was in it, Elise, so I was really happy. I must have looked like such a moron the first day...or maybe I was just acting like an atypical freshman. I think I cared too much.

Now though, ten months later. My Mondays are filled with Intro to Music (the most rediculously easy and unnessasary Core requirement ever!!!) and Terrorism & Justice. T&J has had to be by far one of the most rewarding courses I have ever taken. The professer, Paige Eager, expects such a high degree of quality and substance from you but never makes you feel stupid if you just don't know. I think I look more mature now too, I mean, I just don't care anymore about what everyone else looks like and I just do what I feel I need to. I feel I need to flatiron my hair and do dark makeup and be outspoken and not hide my scars.

It's not really fair though just to praise one of my professers. I mean, they are all brilliant. And I have never seen such genuinity. One of my professers, you can tell when she really cares about the topic. She becomes so animated and her energy just draws you in. She makes it impossible not to become interested, if not completely engrossed, in the subject.

For me, it's really refreshing to see how some people I was (and still am, in some cases) have evolved over the year. If he reads this, he is probably going to get mad at me...but whatever. Tim, last semester, was very outgoing and on the outside he looked so happy and so well-adjusted. But if you talked to him you could see he was miserable. And it was because he had a really big, intense secret inside and was holding it in to the point where it was breaking him down every second. When we came back after winter break, Tim finally let it go...he came out. He is so more relaxed and easy to be around now. But...changes in people aren't always good. Two girls down my hall used to be really chill and now, now they are so fake I almost feel bad for them. Almost.

God. I dont even know how to describe where I am at right now. I guess its because we are always evolving. I don't mind it, I'm just glad that I'm finally finding myself. Or at least trying to.