Fancy

I think I just realized how much I've changed in the past year. One year ago today, my cousin and his fiancee got married. This is the cousin who I cannot stand but regardless, I try to please. The arrogant son of a bitch who pushed me into politics and then ignores me when I'm in over my head. The one who's name I refuse to mention when I'm working in the political relm because as soon as someone finds out that we're related, I am no longer Lilith-- I become this person's cousin.

One year ago, I went to his wedding and got extremly drunk in front of my family. It was sone of the worst nights of my life to date, but it was extremly nessasary. Because of my stupidity that night, I'm no longer the nice, shy girl of the family. They see me as reckless, dangerous. And I kind of like that. It's my little safety net from all of their garbage.

P.S. one year later, I still haven't seen or heard from my cousin or his wife. But I think I'm finally ok with that. If they aren't going to make the effort then I'm just going to stop trying. Don't get me wrong, I would love their approval but I'm just too tired to keep seeking it.

That's it. I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly applying this happy facade before I step out of my room in the morning. The really pathetic thing though, I think, is that I'm not even doing that well in faking it because everyone, if they really look, can see. See how rediculous I am. It's disgusting actually. How desperate I am for everyone else's approval that I'm willing to sacrifice everything I am just to get their ok.

But at least I'm not the nice kid anymore.