wish for

I just got off the phone with Chandi's stepbrother, Ashur. He is the only family who, as he put it, "wants to clean up the mess she made". How lovley and caring he is. Asshole. They all thought she was already dead!!!

Ashur is just going to have her body creamated. That is what she would have wanted, I guess. Actually we were all supposed to be at the bottom of the ocean together but now that's not happening. But he is going to give the ashes to me and Sonja.

There is this cliff off Long Beach Island where we'd all go and mess around when we didn't feel like dealing with things at home. Chandi was really, truly happy there. I think we're going to spread the ashes there. And Sonja heard about these neclaces with little clear urns. I kind of like the idea of getting those...I mean Chandi shaped who we are and even though she is no longer physically here, she is always going to be a part of me. It is only natural that she have a constant physical presence.

I don't know how I am supposed to feel. I don't think it's really hit me yet that Chandi's dead. And that, by all probability that if I had gone back this weekend, I'd be dead too. I would have been right there with her...drunk beyond all comprehension...slicing up the rails and laughing the whole time...then...bam. Yeah.

God. We are reckless.

.......we are addicted and living on sheer will.