Sonja is going to be here at 1am. At 1:30am I am going to walk into the woods and scatter what is left of Chandi. I've said it before and I'll say it again..she saved my life and I couldn't save hers.
There's this void. This hole. I'm constantly thinking about her. Where would I be if she did not come into my life? Would I even be alive? Probably not...either by my own choosing or by external means. She taught me how to...escape. She taught me how to hit rock bottom and keep digging. How to not care. How to put on the mask and fake it while feeling so empty inside. Because we are all worthless, immature, concieted slobs that will amount to nothing so we might as well have fun while it lasts.
Ha. If you can even call it that. What we had wasn't fun. It was a requirement for life. Everything. All of it. Constantly. Without it...we would have had nothing to dissociate us from being there. Absolutly nothing. We couldn't stand being there and were willing to resort to any and all avalible means to just get away.
And Chandi had such a hold on my life. She completly shaped me and I latched myself to every word she said because I was so afraid of losing her. I think that's why I'm having such a problem right now accepting God into my life. By doing so, it feels as if I'm betraying her. I don't even know what I believe.
But I know I'm not strong enough. I dont know If I am going to be able to do this tonight. I feel like I am just going to be leaving my friend out in the woods and by scattering and tossing her ashes away, I'm throwing away everything. I dont know if I can do that.
I just dont know anything anymore.
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