the walk

There is a reason Chandi and I haven't talked this week. She's dead.

Sonja...one of the girls we all hung out with...called me at around 4 this morning. From what we know, she went to one of the parties we all used to go to and did some bad blow...probably laced with somthing....and she had a really really bad buzz and she freaked out. Chandi throught there was somthing under her skin and grabbed a knife to try to get it out and ended up slicing her artery and exanguinated in front of everyone.

I know it's not directly my fault but I can't help feeling guilty. I mean...if I hadn't been at school I would most likley have been there with her. I would have done the first line...realized somthing wasn't straight and wouldn't have let her do any. And if she had done one...I would have just held her and stopped her from having such a bad run of it. And if she had grabbed a knife...I would have done anything to get it away from her. But if I couldnt, I would have stopped the bleeding. And she would still be here.

Chandi saved me. She rescued me from the hell of my parents' home and now I couldn't be there to save her. She must have been so scared.

Chandi is the one who taught me everything I know. She basically picked me to be her minion and I willfully accepted. And I feel so...I don't even know.

If we knew what we were doing could kill us, we would have stopped, right?

Numb. I guess I'm numb. Except everything inside of me feels like its taring itself apart. But, I don't want to die. I think. I don't know how to describe it. She was my rock. She was my person. She kept me going...no matter how bad things got she would push me further and further until it was perfect. Whatever "it" was.

Chandi would probably kill me now if she saw me. Appearances were everything. You're not good enough till you can dance between the raindrops and not get wet, walk on top of the snow and leave no footprints and turn sideways and dissappear. She could...she was perfect. I used to be able to and now...far from it. I can still hear her voice yelling at me for shaming the goddess with my disgusting imperfection.

I wonder if her family knows. Or cares. She hasnt talked to them in...what would probably be 12 or 13 years now. We were her family. Lilith, Sonja, Dia and Chandi. The four unstoppable ones. We were supposed to die the same day..same second...all jump off a bridge or a skyscraper...to all FLY together. Reckless. Intense. Fearless. God I miss my girls.

Dia was pretty mad at me for leaving. I mean. We weren't supposed to go to college. We were supposed to open a little vintage clothes store in the Village and go out every night...never marry...travel everywhere together. But it didn't work out like that. Sonja went to NYU. At least she stayed close. I had to be the one to fuck up the plans and come down here.

In a way...I dont think Chandi could stand us leaving her. Dia just dissapeared but she wasnt as committed as Sonja and I were. Sonja was always so busy and I was down here. I think Chandi couldn't stand being alone...I think I killed her. If I had just been there...she would still be here. And it would be perfect.

...this sucks.

People should just stay away from me. I'm serious. Every person I ever get close to either ends up dying or in such bad shape that they wish they would be dead.

I'm poisonous.