getmeoutofhere

my life is a bad movie. it really is. as soon as i think i have control...it's gone. i can't stand it anymore. there is no fucking reprive from this bullshit.

i mean...i'm not going to do anything stupid. been there, done that...it doesn't work. but, i see why people do it.

and i was going to cut earlier. yeah. p. motherfucking s. i cut myself. or used to. but i didn't. but the only reason i didn't was because i couldn't find my razor or my pocketknife.

i have to fight my parents fucking tooth and nail to uphold the goddamned court order that says they are supposed to pay x dollars a semester of my education and to fill out the fafsa so i can get some aid. they won't fucking do it. not because they cant afford it or in the case of the fafsa dont know how to do it. they can easily afford it but they choose not to. and they refuse to do the fucking fafsa because they just dont feel like it. it's another fucking thing to hold over my fucking head.

and i mean, i very easilly could take them to court again to make them put up the money. but, i'm not that mean. because then my dad would start having issues again and it would be my fault. and it was my fault that he had the issues to begin with. i already have that on my fucking conscience...thanks motherfuckers.

god. i am just so tired of it all. i am tired of being put in the middle of their fucking bickering constantly. i've been in the same position since i was a kid and that is why i escaped to begin with. i can't deal with it anymore.

i'm not that strong.