alone in kyoto

So I'm awake at freaking 5:30. Not that big of a deal cuz ordanarally I'd be up running right now. Except...even though it's not even 6am...it's 72 fucking degrees out. And humid. And it's not even like I can cool off in my dorm because they've yet to put the central air back on. Despite having two really big box fans and a rotating floor fan and a little clip fan thing for next to my bed ITS FUCKING HOT IN HERE. No. I could deal with it being slightly hot but damn...it's uncomfortable. Earlier I was seriously considering taking a blanket out onto the blacony and just sleeping outside but then I realized that's kind of sketchy and if by some miracle I actually fall asleep, I don't want to be woken up by the landscapers staring down my shirt...or worse...by campus security. And being the dicks they are, they'd probably give me a citation for being drunk. Even though I'm stone-cold sober right now. Which, let's be honest, is a problem within itself.

The guy I was talking to over Easter basically called me out yesterday...said I was fake for having some self-respect and not jumping into bed with him. I'm sorry if I did not put myself in a potentially unsafe situation by going over to the appartment of a guy I have never really hung out with outside of class and who nobody I really talk to knows. I'm sure he's a nice guy, albet his severe lack of any social skills whatsoever, but I'm not one to risk it. So he's mad at me, because apparantly by trying to be nice and talking to a guy, I automatically give them permission to regard me as nothing more than a sex object....somthing for them to mess around with for a while till they get bored and move on to somthing else. This guy has the audacity to text me saying that by coming off as confident (yes, I know I'm not confident at all but I fake it really well), that it means that I want to jump into bed with him...two seconds later say he respects me...and a minute after that say he needs someone to snuggle with because he's had a bad day and if I was any type of good person I'd go over there and be with him. I was dumb enough in the begining to think he actually cared about me...but this just proves that all I am and all I will ever be to him is somthing to fuck.

Before I woke up...I had a really bad dream. Yeah, Frank and I have been over for a while and aren't even on speaking terms anymore and I couldn't care less about him or who he hangs out with. But, in my dream, my really good friend--Becca-- and he were dating but didn't want to say anything cuz they knew I'd get upset. I know, it's completly paranoid of me to think this...but what if my subconscience knows somthing that the rest of me doesn't want to admit to myself yet. If Becca and Frank started going out, I don't think I'd be that pissed at them. I mean, they are their own people and can do whatever they want. But, I might have to reevaluate my friendship with Becca...I mean, isn't it like Girl Law #1 or somthing that you don't date your friend's exes without a) at least a two-month waiting period & b) her explicit, unintoxicated permission...

Do you think if I give the atmosphere and my dorm $1 each they'll start listening to me? I'd give more, don't get me wrong, but I'm a poor college student again.

Air's The Virgin Suicides album is amazing. I think I'm in love.

And today is VONNEGUT DAY in my lit class!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sooo excited. I decided last night, I want Vonnegut's children. I don't care if he is (physically) dead...I want them. All of them. And they will be perfect...just like he was.

The perfect damaged goods.