grace

so last night i decide...what the heck, let's be confident. and i call the guy. we talk...for a while. about everything. says goodnight to me. actually i think the direct quote was, "sweet dreams, hun".

and then after my run this morning, i come back to a text from him reading, "hope youre not too cold, ill be here to keep you warm babe".

lets keep in mind that this is at 720am.

i mean...i understand he was probably up for ROTC but to text me at an hour when most college students arent even thinking about getting up. seriously. come on now.

and, although most likley he was just trying to be sweet, calling me "babe" and "hun" is not the way to get on my good side.

i'd like to think of myself as being somewhat autonomous and would like to be known and appreciated for more than my physical attributes. i mean, i'm not that pretty (or at least i dont think of myself as being pretty at all) but the guys who usually are attracted to me only think of me as the pretty one. which, whatever...i mean these guys are like 19-20 and only want one thing...and are extremly immature. and the guys i go for are older...intelligent, creative, opinionated...maybe with the hope that the'll be attracted to me on a more profound level. and sometimes they are...saying that i'm too "intense for this world" but then they realize that it would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever work and end whatever we had. which sucks.

but...i digress...this guy is sweet. which is another reason it would never work. i cant deal with people being nice to me..it freaks me out. i think, because i'm so conditioned to have to stand up for myself and be absolutly brutal and tough as nails, i instantly think if somebody is being nice, they have an agenda. which...lets be honest...is probably true.

like last night...tim and i were talking and i mean, i love the guy to death...but he slipped into parent mode and basically told me that i'm killing myself. it always takes me a few days to get back into a "normal" mental state after being home and he knows that so there was no real reason for him to speak to me the way he did. i'm an adult and i've been dealing with this crap for longer than i'd like to imagine. i know how it makes me feel and i know how to cope with it. i do what i need to and i hit an equilibriam. it's my own little system. and it works for me. i'm really sorry if he thinks what i'm doing is unhealthy or whatever but it's what i need to do, lest do somthing worse.

ugh. today shouldnt suck that badly. i have newswriting with zimmie then IR. apparantly i was missed tuesday in that class. i kind of like that...being missed. i guess, if they're noticing...i have to be doing somthing right. and then lit tonight.

and i really like my horoscope for today:

Even if your friends are normally supportive, they may withhold approval today for no apparent reason. Nevertheless, you are pretty sure that you are right and you're willing to wait for them to come around to your point of view. Don't waste energy trying to convince anyone with words now. Your actions don't need to be bold; they only need to be well-considered.

kind of fits my whole situation, no?