nobodies

Cant sleep. Which is not entirely unexpected. I mean, if it were the school week I would have been up for nearly an hour and a half. And I cant get the image of her death out of my mind...I actually am SEEING her exanguanate. How morbid is that? Both the fact that I constantly am replaying the death I didn't witness but should have in my mind and that I cant stop thinking about it.

I think I need to keep going through what I was told had happened to see if there was somthing...anything I could have done. I know there isn't though. I was here...she was there. I didn't give her the blow. I didn't make her do the rails. Hell, I didn't even know she'd be at the party. But also, for me I think by viewing it over and over and over and over...I see her death how I need to see it. I need to see that it happened really fast and she wasn't in pain from all the drugs she had taken and beer she had drank before the fact. I need to see that people stopped fucking around and came over to see what was wrong and when they realized, they called 911. I need to see that somebody...I dont know who...came over and held her and told her to hold on...that she'd be ok. When in reality, she probably felt it and had that "O SHIT" moment after it was too late. People probably thought she was just rolling and had a bad trip and didn't want to call 911 right away, left have them all get busted for posession, etc. And I'm sure they tried to help her, tried to calm her down. But noone knew her like Sonja and I did. They wouldn't know what to say to bring her back down to a place where she could BREATHE.

But, of course, the one who taught me how to live cannot any more.

And I know it's completly selfish and innapropriate to think but I have so much going on this week that now...Chandi is becoming just another thing to deal with. Which is horrible. She was my best friend. I should WANT to take care of what needs to be done. And I'm not saying I don't. It's just...I dont know.

I'm spinning and spinning and spinning and cant stop.

But in terms of schoolwork, I guess I'm in decent shape leading into the last month. I have a position paper for IR and a paper topic outline for lit due the 19th, my terrorisim paper due the 23rd, a works cited page for lit due the 26th, a book review for IR due the 1st, my lit paper due the 3rd and my terrorism book review due the 7th. And that will bring me into finals week.

I have no idea what to do for my lit paper. Scratch that...I have too many ideas and no focus for any of them. I know I want to do somthing different but I dont know what. Maybe track the manifestations of the divine. Or the presence and perception of death. Or beauty as poison. Or gender roles in literature. What I'd REALLY like to do is somthing on the evolution of the poem. But I don't know nearly enough about the different poetic devices or the different forms, etc to do somthing like that. And after my numerous freakouts on the first paper, I'm going to try to make this one as stress-free as possible...yeah right. But at least the prof is having us turn it in in stages so I know I'll at least have to be working on it in some capacity every week for the next month.

My IR position paper is gonna be pretty easy. We're doing a UN Security Council simulation and in preperation the Prof is having us write a position paper on each of the issue's we're disscussing from the standpoint of the nation we're representing. I chose Russian Fed...mainly for veto power...but also because of the internal problems and slow shift into the periphery...it'll be interesting to see how the other nations interact with, and if they resepect its viewpoint. And I was the Model U.N-holic in middle/high school so I shouldn't have any problem with procedure and writing the paper in UN-speak. Yay for being a loser. I think?

As for the terrorism paper, at least I have a topic, an outline and some sources. I'm reserching Chechnya and the prof gave us a list of questions she wanted answered so I guess I'm going to start with that and see what happens. And it doesnt have to be that long, she's expecting 10-12 and takes rough drafts. So what I'm thinking is I'm going to get as much done as I can on that today and tomorrow then email it over to see if I'm on the right track. Because it's a polisci class, the prof is less focused on the language being...well...like a humanities paper...and more on the substance which is good I guess. And she said we don't have to worry about transitions and just to use topic headings to organize it. Thank God. It's really really hard to go from history to financial backing to justification to whatever else she wants done and not have the paper sound choppy.

And the book reviews...whatever. Read them...have notes in the margins. Not due till the first and second weeks of May. I'm not even going to worry about them till I have to. And she doesn't want more than 5 pages on each. So...what's that...like 5 hours each review + editing...so like 8 or 9 hours each. That's completly doable in a weekend.

Except that this Wednesday night, Sonja is coming down with the ashes and we're going to take care of that...So I have to get all my stuff done for Thursday class the night before. Not that bad. Just some newswriting. I figure, if I can get those stories done then I can read for IR after class and if worst comes to worst read for lit after IR. I always feel really guilty reading just before class but you do what you gotta do...and it's not like I'm the only one.

Ugh. Boy problems. The guy from my terrorism class is REALLY into me. To the point where it's becoming a little excessive I think. I dont know how to feel or act around him. I'm really bad at the whole dating/relationship/not being used for sex thing. Which sucks. I mean...I have some self respect. Not much. But it's there. Whatever...I dont have time to date someone. I have to get through this semester and get up to Vermont...work my ass off for three months then come back down here to do it again. Nowhere in my schedule does it say that I have time to see someone. Sorry. No.

Which sucks cuz I really like him...