war on sound

Ugh. Yeah. It's been one of those days. Actually, I think it has been for everyone.

Sonja made it back up to the city ok after last night. And now she might be going back to Russia for good. Which I understand. Her brother is there. And yeah, we used to be family but there really is no point. I mean, she was going to go back for the summer as usual and with me pretty much living in the DC area for good after this summer, she has noone up there with her. And it's not like she can move down here. She has to be where she can work, and you can't really film documentaries of the second generation relatives of Russian immigrants to NYC who still live in the area from down here. Sonja and I are family, but Chandi was the glue that kept us together. And now that that's over...Whatever.

I think I may have made a huge mistake about an hour ago. My lit prof asked how I was doing after class when I went to ask her about my paper and I told her everything. Yeah. Big fucking mistake. And now I have another person "worried". Which bothers me more. I don't like having people worry about me. It makes me feel dependent which really kills me. I can't stand having people think that I can't take care of myself. I guess from now on...it's back to putting on the "look at me, I'm disgustingly happy and everything is fanfuckintastic" face. At least till this blows over.

I can't stop blaming myself for Chandi. I know deep down that I couldn't have stopped what happened but I can't really accept that. I'm a control freak. It goes with the territory. I feel this insatiable need to control everything and everybody around me, whether it/they can be controlled or not. I had no control over her death and that is frightening. If I do not have control over one thing, I'm afraid that I'll lose control on everything. And then what will I have?

Exactly. Nothing.