drive in drive out

so yeah...i'm back.

the drive back was amusing. emily and i are exactly the same...cept i refuse to hide my screwed up-ness. i guess i might as well enjoy it.

the final sader wasnt that bad. i mean...zev and i talked a lot and he gets me...which is good. i would kill to be as content as he is. he's graduating in like a month. he's going to be doing the same sort of research...somthing with the center for cognative neuroscience over at upenn. i think he's working on somthing in regards to the conscience/unconscience right now but dont quote me on that. then grad school. i was actually really pleased to hear that kayla is taking a poetry course with her medschool stuff. she was a lit major at harvard and now med school...i mean it works for her but i cant quite make that jump.

my amazing sunglasses came today. theyre perfect. they make me feel like a postrehab rockstar. which...lets be honest...i'm not too far from. i just have that amazing fuck you attitude and look amazing with a cigarette. hell...i figure...everyone already thinks of me as being fucked up, i might as well embrace it.

fake it till you make it bitches.

on the boy front...i come into terrorism today and he and i do the smile thing at each other all though class and after he doesnt even say hi or whatever. guys arent supposed to play hard to get. thats my job! but i shot him a message after class so maybe...i dont know. i'm so bad at this whole dating thing. i've never had the desire to go find a boy. but now...idk. and logically...this guy and i wouldnt work well together. we're polar opposites. he's very family oriented and i'm...not. he's very kind and respectable and i'm...not. he's a republican and i'm...not. see. it doesnt work.

and i mean..i'm not going to be here this summer at all. i'm going straight up to vermont. so i dont know if it even makes sence to get into somthing with somebody now.

and the rest of this semester is going to kick my ass. i have a massive paper due for terrorism on the 23rd, a position paper for IR due the 25th, then two book reviews. and like 4 stories for newswriting. and 3 concert reviews. and another paper & a final for lit. damn.

whatever. i'm a college student. i write papers for a living. it could be much, much worse.

its just that. i think ive hit the point where i dont really care anymore. i am past the point of caring. because i care too much and frankly, its exhausting. i dont know how to pick and choose what i should care about. and i think that i dont mind it that way. i mean...if i'm left to my own devises and have nothing to care about...nothing good will come of that. but i miss having the luxury to let my mind wander. i miss being able to let my guard down and just....

...breathe.

because right now i'm barely holding my head above water.