danger of the water

Ugggggggg. Last night...bad idea. I needed to study last night for my recitation and work on my lit paper and my polisci book reviews. Fuck. Didn't do that. But, I did manage to go all emo on my arm, burn my thumb, email my prof pasking about a rough draft and using hte most hideous grammar ever, call Alex after he tore any positive self-image I had out with a rusty nail, eat an entire mini chocolate bunny, call Tori and tell her she will never be Mary-Kate or Nicole cuz she's too tall and too imperfect....god the list contines....that was just the "best of lilith drunk off her ass" highlight reel.

I am really fucking impressed with myself. I needed to do work...more than any other fucking night this semester so far and I completly blew it off. I was fucking irresponsible. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM???????????? I'm almost 20. I cannot, under any circomstances, be doing that anymore. Seriously. If i want to be out of college by '09 so I can start my masters program...finish that in a year and a half then jump on my doctorate program and do that in three years--counting my dissertation--I dont have time to be stupid like that.

I think though, as much as I hate to place the blame for my absolute disregard for my plan (and my liver)...what Alex said the other night really fucked with me. Maybe he's right. Maybe I don't know how to love...I don't know what love is...so I make it impossible for people to love me. Maybe I push people away because I'm scared of hurting or losing them so its easier to never have them be a part of my life to begin with. Thats what I did with him. As soon as I started having serious feelings for him, I did everything in my power to erradicate them. But when that didn't work...I started being "crazy, obsessive girlfriend" and freaked him out to the point where he left me.

And the funny thing is...I still care about him, maybe moreso than when we were together. I know I shouldnt talk to him after the other night...but I do (and I actually am right now while I'm writing this). There's somthing about him...I dont know what it is...but it draws me in and makes it impossible to let go. And when we're together, there's this vibe between us that is like nothing I have ever seen before. We completly feed off one another...if we're arguing it gets really bad because we know what the other person is going to say before they do. If we're just talking it's amazing. He gets me. Alex and I are really alike...which is not always a good thing. We know what to say to push the other person's buttons. I know what makes him tick and he knows for me. I dotn know. Maybe I'm scared of letting him get close to me because he's so great, I wouldn't want to lose him.

There's this really strong emotional recall I feel whenever I drink vodka because of Alex. I know it's gonna make me sound really xenophobic but fuck it...I'm gonna say it anways. He's Russian and one time we were just watching movies at his house and he brought out this really good, strong, amazingly smooth Russian vodka. It has to be the best vodka I've ever tasted...and now every time I drink I think of him. It's so weird how you form this bond to ordinary sensory experiances. Like, right now I'm listening to Ashlee Simpson (shuttup, it's on my itunes rotation) and it brought me right back to sophmore year of high school, trying to be everything I'm not. It makes me think of the hours I'd spend, teaching myself how to achieve the perfect "I just rolled out of bed after a long night of partying but still look fucking awesome" look...the MTV awards parties we'd throw...god we were young.

Or like...not even a song can bring you back there...a taste,,,a touch...a smell...anything.

Rosepetal tea and cranberry scones bring me back to long summers in Maine, relaxing with my notebook and my camera on the deck overlooking Penopscot Bay, watching the lobster boats trawl in and out all day, the ferries coming in and going back out like clockwork...blasting their horns as an announcement of their constant presence off the tiny island. I would sit up there for hours...just relaxing with my tea and scones and write. From my deck I could see the main drag of the island and see all of the villagers go about their daily routine. It was comforting to see a society, not too different yet completly contrary to where I lived the other 10 months of the year. On Vinelhaven Isand, as it was called, old men would hold doors open for little girls playing with their friends. The man at the general market would know your name and how you take your coffee and if you would need to borrow a wagon from out front to take your wares home, if it was too far to simply carry....its amazing how just one or two simple tastes brings back such a memory. I really miss Maine. I should try to get away this summer just for a weekend or somthing.

Or, every time I read the first Harry Potter book, I remember falling in love with contemporary children's literature. Yeah, I was in 6th grade when I read it, but I had never been a fan of "kid books". But, Kristen Ryan did a book report on it in my Language Arts (as it was called) class and everyone else knew what she was talking about, I felt like they were in some sort of club and I hadn't recieved the invitation. The next day, a Saturday, it was raining so my dad and I went to the Barnes and Noble. Still reeling off the embarrasment of the previous day, I (for the first time in my life) wandered over to the kids section and picked up Harry Potter and started reading. Instantly I was brought into a world of (for lack of a better word) magic. To this day, I still don't know what it was but I fell in love with J.K. Rowling's writing.

Alex...every time I hear the Cascada song, "Every Time We Touch"...I think of him. It was the club hit last year when we were together and was on the radio when he kissed me for the first time. It was a really mild April night...I was kind of bored so I drove down to visit him at work. He was this security guard at an office building a few towns over. We went outside and started messing around and he just grabbed me and kissed me. Under the stars. I know it's so cliche but whatever.

I need to stop falling for him...again...I really do. I dont have time for this crap.

Welcome to hell, kids. We have cookies.