misstep

I am flawed. I am the flaw. The pariah. The imperfection that must be exiled. Shunned. If only...

If only I was perfect. If only I was what I should be. I should have embraced the goddess when I had the chance and now I feel her slipping from me. Her claws grasp my broken form and dig in. But neither she nor I know if it will be enough to once again drape her spell over me...pull me back in. And never let me go.

Last night was the hardest night of my life. I literally held Chandi in the palm of my hand and let the breeze carry her away. Not only did I throw away her life, I let go of what was left. She is gone and I have nothing left of her.

Yeah, I seem frantic...almost manic. I'm not. I'm actually much healthier than I've been in a really long time. Yeah, 99% of the time, all I want to do is dissapear but I'm not going to. Been there, tried that...doesn't work. I'm that much of a failure. But I dont want to be in that place ever again. And I'm not going to do anything stupid otherwise. I need to learn to cope with this in a constructive way...aside from doing what I used to. Which was/is a really distructive way to deal with things. I need to be stronger than that.

Except...when your strength is completly tapped out...it doesn't work so well.