Mike called me at 1am, just as I was getting into bed. I was really suprized cuz yeah, we talk a lot, but he's not one to call someone just to chat. He actually cared about how my day went and sounded genuinly interested. Is it possible that I have found a truly nice guy? But anyways, he's so easy to talk to and just relaxes me completely. We ended up talking till 5am, which was ok cuz I wasn't planning on sleeping anyways. I don't know what it is but when we're talking, he brings me down. Mike's so nonjudgemental, I feel like I can say anything and he will just listen and even if we disagree, he supports me.
I've never had someone like that, not even in a relationship sence but in a person to person sence. And I feel really lucky that I have Mike. I know I've been a bit of a whore in the past but being with Mike makes me not want to do that anymore. I guess I just crave the attention. Maybe I've just been looking for someone to treat me right. And...and I think I may have found that in Mike.
I think one of my problems is that when I fall for someone, I fall hard. I just love having someone next to me, knowing that despite everything, someone wants to be with me. Relationships make me feel like someday I am going to be ok. It's really unhealthy to think that way, I know. But being with someone makes me feel whole...even if I'm just being used.
I'm done with being used. It's happened to me my entire life. I have never been anything more than somthing easilly disposed of. And I've been ok with that. Maybe I'm just stupid and haven't given up on that little glimmer of hope that says that it **might** turn into somthing more than a late night bootycall ending with the walk of shame back to my room at 5am.
But I know I'm not being used this time. Mike and I have more than that. We talked about it last night, real stuff. Exes came up and I got into the Andrew saga and after, after Mike told me he'd never hurt me like that. That he can't hurt me. It's the things like that, that make me melt.
And we've been through so much together, especially when he was in the desert, I think that if we haven't fucked up whatever we have by now, Mike and I might actually be able to make this work.
Which would be fantastic, cuz I really like him.
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*giggle* my Lord, sometimes I feel like I'm reading my own diary with you...a word of warning I wish someone had told me long ago...(as Jack Johnson sings) "I've been to hell and back again and must admit you kind of bore me"...so often, when we're used to all the passion of those highs and lows those "unhealthy" relationships we thrive off of, it's very hard to enjoy safe and secure...but it's so worth it
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