what if?

its raining. i love floridian rain. during the summer, you could set your watch by it. every afternoon...for around an hour...the skys open up then just as sudden as it started..it all ends with a rainbow. and for that instant. you think everything is going to be ok.

nanny's asleep on the couch. she was listening to some bach just as the rain started. she dozed off a little while ago and so i moved out on to the balcony to watch the rain and do some thinking.

i talked to mike for a bit earlier. he's stressing out...understandably. i think he's just hit the wall. he's talking about leaving the buisness. i dont know if he's serious or not. but i think he might be. even though i dont know how someone could ever leave it...i'm the kind of person who will back him up in whatever he decides to do. if he decides to go...i'll be sad. i think seeing him walk away from it all will be the hardest for me. i mean...mike was definatly my guy last cycle. i feel bad that i didnt trust him for the first week or so...but i'm like that with every new person i think. in this buisness...you never know who you can really trust. but anyways...mike let me do things he probably shouldnt have. he let me write issue papers, taught me how to write press releases...that sort of stuff. but he was always really chill to me too...my first weekend at school i drunk dialed him at like midnight. whoops. and when i was back for e-week it was like nothing changed. yeah i was doing more field work cuz that's what happens haha but i brought my stuff down to his office and we bitched at each other while we got our stuff taken care of. and as soon as either of us got to the point where we thought we couldnt deal with the pressure anymore...we went into the parking lot and screamed, threw up, had a cigarette and right back in to keep going.

mike is honistly one of the most chill people i know. he's my person.

i think also part of why i'm so upset over mike maybe leaving is because cant even understand where he's coming from. yeah, he's 30 and i'm 19 but ive been around a while for someone so young. but still...i dont get how someone can want to walk away from this. yeah, ill talk sometimes about what i'd do if i wasnt doing this but i dont mean it. or if i do...ill do those things when i'm too old to do this anymore. but right now, i cant leave it. its my drug. seriously. after eday, kickass or not, i come down hard. but then i take a week off to make sure i dont die from lack of sleep then start it up all over again. yeah...i love it.

my work people are my family. they really are. i mean...i know we're some of the meanest people with the biggest egos in the world but when you put 30 of us in an attic at midnight 5 days out and go through what needs to be done by 4am and you know it will get done. we're at the point where we have packet hell down to a science, know what brand everyone smokes, who carries what (and i'm not talking about bags or boxes), know how everyone takes their coffee, and know who sucks at what. we're a finely tuned machine and damn proud of it. and when one of us leaves it sucks. we have to start all over again.

and for the most part, i like our e week group now. we've been together for a couple cycles. theyve seen me at my best and my worst. but theyve seen it all and theyre still here. i know ive said it before but i'll say it again. i would not be the person i am today without their constant judgement.

tough as nails is the only way to be.

i figure, as soon as you let one person it...the door barges wide open and cant be shut. and the more people you let in, that is how many more times you are going to be hurt. yeah...pain is the human condition and we need to suffer to prove that we are still alive. but the more people i let in, the more people are going to learn about me and judge me. i crave judgement...just not all the time you know? and yeah it makes me weak and the goddess doesnt tolerate weakness but i really cant handle external judgement constantly. not when i'm so critical of myself every day.

and i really dont want everyone to see all of the shit ive been hiding. seriously...if someone saw all the crap i have to deal with theyd run sooo far away. i'm the epitome of damaged goods. but how can i not be. i know its cheesy to blame shit on my childhood but it really is the root of all my issues. i think maybe because of everything...i just dont know how to love. i think if i saw love as a kid and somehow figured out that way how to love then everything would be different. i dont think id hurt so much otherwise.

except we love the pain. its who we are.

no alibis

so i'm stressing. i know i need to not but still...i cant help it. i freak out sometimes. and its not pretty. i miss school...is that weird?

i mean like at first i was just missing being around people who somewhat understood me and appreciated me or what they knew of me. but now, i'm actually starting to miss my lectures. i think i miss the academic stimuli...i mean, i cant really talk to anybody down here about the jihadisation of the chechnen conflict or the emerson's call for a creation of a new american literary identity now can i?

i put on cnn this morning after my run while i was making coffee and nanny saw it. it was one of the many blbs about iraq and she freaked out. she's lost the capacity to understand that the war is going on halfway around the world and not in her backyard. it took me an hour to calm her down. i cant stand not knowing whats going on in the world. seriously. i feel like somthing is missing from my morning routine if i dont catch some cnn...even if its while i'm doing 2 billion other things. it makes me feel connected i guess...wow. we really are a globalized society. sorry realists...it was bound to happen.

the nighttime air here is amazing. i'm out on the balcony now. thank goodness it screened in..the bugs down here are brutal! i love the breeze though...rustiling the palms. its so peaceful and real.

ive been thinking a lot about what constitutes reality and how we face it. i dont really know how well i deal with reality. i think because i feel too much that i have to take little chunks out of the reality block...deal with those...then move on to the rest. if i faced it all at once...i dont know what would happen. no...i do know. because it's happened before. and it's not pretty...

like when i knew my first true crush would never like me back. i was barely 16 and he was 23--going on 24. yeah. huge age difference to begin with. but in my little, teenage mind i thought it could happen. i wanted...needed...it to happen. not even him fall for me...just him to notice my existance. and so what to 16 year old girls do but tell everything to their friends and i went and told meg how much i was into him and she instantly paled. she was older...17...and because of that i thought she would have all the answers. she did. apparantly over the summer, when i was on vacation...the two hung out and got a little drunk. one thing lead to another and they ended up sleeping together. im like...are you shitting me? and then when i let it hit me...it was like no pain i had ever felt, nor wished to feel again. it felt like every muscle, tendon, fiber of my body was simultaniously stabbed with a red hot knife. i went home. got into bed. and just lay there for three days, the tears silently pouring down my cheeks. i couldnt move...but i didnt really want to. my little brother of all people tried to get me out of bed and ended up laying there with me for...i couldnt even tell you how long...just telling me that everything was going to be ok. and even though i couldnt tell anyone what had happened...you could see it in my eyes. i was more than heartbroken...i was simply broken. i had seen the disgusting reality of unrequited love and experienced its sharp bite firsthand. and it sucked.

reality messes everything up. i think honistly, most people are in some way damaged. yup...we're all damaged goods. but we would be far less broken if we hadnt faced reality. i know, the whole idea of "ignorance is bliss" is stupid but it works. how many kids are permantly scarred after seeing their parents beat the shit out of each other or how many women are driven to insanity after walking in on their husbands cheating on them with some filthy skank or how many people have seen reality and are constantly high or drunk in their vain attempt to get away from it all...if only for a little bit.

in a way, i'm almost envious of nanny...she has no idea what is real and what is an illusion. the home health aid this afternoon did a test of her cognative ablility and asked her to point to the phone. the phone is yellow and when the aid told her an bananna is yellow and asked her to point to the bananna, nanny pointed to the phone..thinking the phone and the bananna are one in the same simply because they are the same color. i mean its nowhere near like facing the reality of death or anything but still...somthing isnt real just because you say it is. its just not.

but hell...screw reality. its not that much fun anyways.

stir it up

i love how i came into break with all of these goals...finishing my lit midterm & paper, outlining my terrorism paper, reading for IR...and its wednesday and all i've done is get through my midterm and the first draft of my paper.

it's not that i've been procrastinating more than usual...i just dont have time to do it. i mean. i was home for two days where i had to deal with all of the bullshit that comes with westfield and families and not liking either of them.

and now i'm in florida, doing my granddaughterly duty and looking after nanny. after taking care of her all day, even if its nothing that i would concider strenuous the least bit like going to the post office or out to the marina, she's exhausted. and i'm so drained after the fact...both physically and emotionaly...that i dont want to do any work.

and (no offence) but its not like the work is that hard. i'm one of those people who would much rather write a 10 page paper than take a multiple guess test. but thats not to say my papers dont suck. theyre completly disorganized and sometimes i get so frusturated halfway through i just end up bullshitting the rest. so now, ive had to install a "no bullshit" policy for my papers for the rest of the year. its not fair to myself or to my professers to have to read pages of absolutly nothing.

so what have i been doing down here, other than watching nanny? drinking a LOT of pinot noir and merlot and just reading. almost as an afterthought, i tossed a copy of walden into my bag before catching my flight. even though i've read it a billion times, somthing always draws me to thoreau.

i know its extremly cheezy but on my list of things i have to do before i die, read walden up in the middle of walden pond at sunset is definatly in the top three.

i dont know why...i think i'm just waiting to be inspired. but that's also not really fair to say, i'd like to think that i'm pretty inspired. but its not one thing that inspires me...its everything. if you had to pick one thing, id say my writing is inspired by humanity. the good. the bad. the absolutly horrifying....its in all of us. and at the most basic level...we are all the same and feel the same and bleed the same. i guess that's what is so inspiring about humanity. we are all the same, messed up pieces of crap.

and that when as soon as we think we're in control...we're not.

Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo

yeah ive resorted to using old song lyrics for titles. suck it...i just wrote a 5 page paper on social commentary literature and finished my lit midterm. what did you do? yeah...thats what i thought.

it's really pretty down here today. this morning before it got too hot we took ron's boat out on the intercoastal. she obviously cant drive it anymore but i dont mind doing it. i love being out on the water. nanny just sat up front, where she always used to and pointed out everything...

"did you see the marina we just passed?"
"yes nanny..."
"suzie used to work there, didnt she?"
"yeah for a few summers"

i think me being here is helping. she seems less confused. last night before she went to bed, she sat out on the balcony with me for a while and we just enjoyed the night air. as i looked around, she still had my and my little brother's coloring book drawings framed and hung in the exact same places. these were no masterpieces, i assure you, but they were still proudly displayed right next to her cassat and van gogh prints. i remember going over there when i was a kid, running in the door, straight to the balcony, only to be presented with a brand new coloring book and set of crayons. even now...whenever i feel sick or whatever i go to the store and buy a coloring book and crayons. the mindless coloring is really soothing. i love how even when i was 4 i was completly OCD about staying in the lines.

old habits die hard i guess.

the thrill is gone

so i'm in florida. right now i'm sitting poolside at my grandmother's retirement community while she naps in one of the lounge chairs beside me. when i got down here, i called her to remind her that i'd be over...when i got to her appartment i let myself in with my key and she was scared...absoultly horrified. she had no idea who i was, even though i was standing right in front of her.

"its me nanny, lilith"
"who?"
"your granddaughter"
"i have grandchildren?"

i sat down with her on the balcony and went over the photo albums...some of it starting coming back to her. i couldnt imagine living like her...not knowing. i think it'd kill me.

we went for a walk around the golf course, up to the pool. she can't swim anymore but she loves watching everyone else do it. so she sat down and decided to doze off in the sun. i grabbed myself a drink (its after 3, i can drink) and so i'm lounging, watching her rest, and contemplating...eveything.

i checked my terrorism & justice score. 18 out of 20 so it averages out to a 90%. not bad but not as high as i would have liked. but i'm definatly not going to complain about it. it is what it is. i just know for next time i need to put more effort into it. i havent gotten any other scores yet. hopefully i'll do well. i mean...i know i should have worked harder on all of them but i was so drained i just couldnt.

but whatever...its my fault anyways.

running on faith

so today was my first day home in a while. it was...interesting. mother and i made brunch and then went out to lord & taylor. we're getting consultations on friday! i'm happy. i love having my makeup done. i'm such a chic.

im definatly amused that i'm in a relationship. i never thought i'd say that and actually be happy to say it. in other relationships...it was more like umm yeah we're dating but i never really cared about the other person. not this time. i like him hehehehe. boys are fun!

leaving for florida in 9 hours! i dont know if i should be trepadicious or whatever. i really dont know how to feel. i'm in essence, going down to say goodby to nanny. she doesnt remember who i am when we talk on the phone, even though she has a picture of me right beside the phone. its not like she's young or anything...and she was never especially nice to me. but that doesnt matter. the past doesnt matter at all. its not right to hold grudges with anyone...especially somebody who you know isnt going to be here much longer.

as weird as it sounds...i'm not afraid of death. i believe very strongly that we are created from the earth and will return to it. everything is very circular for me...the goddess brought us from the ashes and that is will return to it when she chooses. i dont think that you can choose how you die, but you can choose how you live.

every day we make choices, some more important than others. it's what choices you make that determine who you are. i choose to constantly reinvent myself. i choose to be afraid of being truly happy. i choose to only let a few people see who i really am. i choose to change the world. i choose to write. i choose to break all the rules. i choose to win.

r.i.p betty

very very sad news to report...betty died today.

(betty is my car)

we hit the turnpike coming back from school and she just shitted out. the engine siezed. she is gone. oh well. i'm once again car-less.

but i am no longer alcohal-less. i walk in my door and there is literally a PITCHER of whisky sours for me. got to love it. and i'm no longer boyfriend-less. the guy i was bitching about last night and i are officially together. he's amazing. end of story.
and i'm also no longer manicure/pedicure-less. after dealing with my car earlier...i got my nails done. love it. i know its vain but im cool with that.

and i'm a blonde....lets see if they really do have more fun later this week in florida.

wow...whisky went straight to my head. but that's cool. it makes me happy and the happy thing is hard to come by nowdays.

come here boy

today was the most perfect day that i've had in a while. i met this boy a few days ago and last night/this morning (like 1am) he called me wanting to know if i wanted to go shoot some pool with him. yes. really shoot pool...its not a crazy euphamisim for sex. if i was having sex with him (which i'm not) i would go right out and say it.

so met up with him and ended up kicking his butt 4 games to 1. that's right. i won four games and he won one. because i rock.

after that we ended up just going up to the commuter lounge and watching tv/sleeping/cuddiling till like 7 this morning. whoops. i kissed him.

i said i wasnt going to fall for someone but i did and i am. i melt in his arms and he's the only thing ive been thinking about all day.

after music today, he and i ended up just driving around and we came back here and took a nap. there is nothing like sleeping with another person next to you...holding you...its amazing.

anyways. he understands me. completly. he likes dark & twisted lilith. and even though i'm undoubtably one of those people who would rather see someone with a fantastic personality than amazing body but he has both! he's freaking ripped.

and when he holds me....he makes everything ok.

and i'm done

yay for being done with midterms! well...not technically cuz i still have my takehome one to do for lit over break. along with my lit paper. and my chechya paper. and my russian fed position paper. damnit.

at least i can do it in florida.

my bestest and i were talking earlier about how someone really should make a movie about my life. not a cheezy lifetime one...a crazy independant one. they really should just follow me around with a camera for a week and see what happens. it'd freak people out. i have no singular personality i think or one set persona...i think mine's very fluid. even though i play dark and twisty really well haha.

in my lackofsleep induced state...i did this survay thing. its cute though. and it works with the movie thing. see:

--the soundtrack to your life--
opening - twostep by dave matthews band
waking up- rebel rebel by david bowie
first date- suzie by boy kill boy
first kiss- rough gem by islands
falling in love- here (in your arms) by hellogoodbye
seeing an old love- sixes and sevens by faulter
heartbreak- over by evans blue
driving fast- the rock show by blink 182
getting ready to go out- walking with a ghost by the white stripes
partying with friends- devil by stereophonics
dancing at a club- zingy by ak'sent
flirting- attagirl by bettie serveert
feeling sexy- cold hard bitch by jet
walking alone in the rain- where does the good go by tegan & sara
missing someone- heaven adores you by earlimart
playing in the ocean- radio by crashbox
summer vacation- okayalright by moe
fighting with someone- kick the p.a. by korn (feat. the dust brothers)
acting goofy with friends- the rock show by blink 182
thinking back- hide and seek by imogen heap
feeling depressed- motherland by natalie merchant
christmas time- personal jesus by marilyn manson
falling asleep- heavenly by skylar blue
closing- (cant you) trip like i do by filter & the crystal method

.........damn. that'd be some fucked up movie. oh wait. it works. cuz it'd be about me!

girls just want to have fun

i have now been awake since monday morning. it's now thursday. whoops. sorry. i dont have time to sleep. but no lie...i wish i did. even my hair hurts. how pathetic is that?

since i've realized that not everyone can appreciate the sheer beauty that comes into an all-nighter...and the fact that i cant go without a break every 20 minutes or so....i've created a piece of loveleyness called-------

the chronicals of a hood college all-nighter:

1215AM-- right now kins, darnell, whitney and i are sitting in the commonarea surrounded by vault soda, dietcoke, redbull, cigarettes, popcorn and copious amounts of books & lollypops. shuttup. we need somthing to suck on. see...i made it too easy.

whitney has on justin timberlake. i'm so delerious....i dont mind it. the music that is. i dont like my current state of mind. its not that fun.

211AM-- i cant feel my brain

344AM-- 3 ID terms done, working on the 4th. my eyes dont want to focus but i'm making them. whoops. listening to marilyn manson to keep me awake. stoked kins said she'd room with me next year. 4th floor memorial double? i think YES muthafuckas. shes mad chill. i <3>

419AM-- just woke up from a 15minute power nap. i feel like a slept for DAYS i am so rejuvinated! now i am ready to tackle the second part of my ID terms.

526AM-- my studybuddy just left me. i dont know his name but he's nice. very chill. didnt freak out when started yelling at my IR book. good kid. mmm i really want a REAl bagel right now with lox and vegetable cream cheese. mmmmm jersey food.

617AM-- i can see the sunrise. it's wicked pretty. yes i said wicked. all my grownup words have been sucked out of me by the evilness that is midterm week. i only have one ID term left then the essay. i can do this....cuz i kick butt.

658AM-- all done with my IDs

now its off to shower, grab some coffee, study for my newswriting exam then rush back to do the essay before i pass out....isnt life fanfuckingtastic?

freaking sweet!

announcement announcement everybody:
as of 6:38AM on Wednesday morning....i have now finished and emailed in my terrorism & justice midterm exam totaling 19 pages (not counting endnotes, works cited page, title page).

only my IR one to do.

...and no sleep since sunday night! whoot freaking whoot!

countdown to the brains spewing out of my headddddddddd

so no sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. again tonight. whoops. that exam i was trying to finish last night. didnt happen. i have 8 pages MINIMUM to have done by noon tomorow. I AM FUCKED. royally.

nights like these are why god invented cigarettes, cold pizza, caffiene and chocolate. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. my 4 c's.

i promise...sleep and substantive posts when midterms are over.

another reason to hate guys

so i know i have no right to be pissed off cuz i'm seeing this really great guy right now but whatever.

earlier this year, i had a major thing for this one guy. he knew it and did nothing really to act on it but we were hanging out a lot more than normal. i didnt want to act on it, basically because winter break was coming up and i was going to be working in jersey & the city so i wouldnt really have a chance to see him at all...and also i wanted to see what (if anything) would happen with a guy back home.

long story short...nothing happened with the guy back home. =(

so i came back to school, pretty much defeated and i see my pre-break crush. we fell right back into how we were before. and then i got hammered...and actually said that i was into him. whoops. sorry. i'm a chic.

and now we were both sitting downstairs in the common room, working on papers for our terrorism class. we're talking and whatever. and then this chic comes into the room and sits down with him. i'm like...whatever...they're friends so i dont care that much. but then he asks her out. =(

and even though i'm dating someone else, i'm kind of upset. and whatever...she's really really pretty.

i just think its fucked up that he'd do it in front of me.

whatever...boys suck.

------------------------

i'm definatly sitting in the common room all night and finishing my terrorism essays. i have no time tomorow till tomorow night cuz of the darfur day thing. and i still haven't started the international relations shit yet.

thank god for stackers and coffee.

all they ever do is talk

tonight's blog post comes from earlimart... southern california band. "all they ever do is talk" is on their treble & tremble album. check them out.

today sucked. big time. stacy shot me another email and yeah..shit is not going well over there. all i want to do is be there with her and actually do somthing to stop the genocide. but i'm not. which sucks.

i told my dad that i might bail on vermont this summer and just go over to chad and work in the refugee camps (the sudanese government is blocking all aid workers from entering the country so all organizations are working on the chad-sudan border but that doesnt mean its any safer). he was pretty heated to say the least. and when i thought had hung up...i hadnt. and went into my friends room and bitched about how fucked up he was being. by the time i realized that i hadnt hung up...it was 5 minutes later and i was back in my room. so i hung up and 30 seconds later got a call back from him saying that he heard the whole thing. whoops.

so now dad is pissed at me. whatever. i dont care. i am always going to have a very weird relationship with him because of my past. he has never been a father to me and now we are/were on somewhat good terms. but we are always going to be touch & go.

but i really want to go to darfur this summer. i know its incredably stupid but i cannont NOT do somthing this time.

and i got absolutly no work done today on my exams. i dont think i'm sleeping till thursday. whoops. and friday i'm driving home. back into the shitshow.

....i love how this week is sucking sooo bad and its only sunday

the secret's in the telling

yes...i know i once again am naming my post after a song. this time it is a dashboard confessional song. but that's ok. i'm strangly content in being emo and listening to dashboard right now.



i love postsecret.blogspot.com . seriously. its amazing how many of these fuckers i can relate to...but i just dont have the guts to say...even out of this week's batch....
. this one is called "sober" which a) i'm not right now and b) i dont do family things sober. at my cousin's wedding i got absolutly hammered and ended up getting a "talking to" from one of my other cousins. whoops. sorry. fuck you....i like to drink. 18 year old with an open bar in a disgustingly stressful situation...bad things are going to happen. grow a set and get over it.


and i hate my family...like hate hate. fuck them. if they are going to judge me for occationally fucking up and doing what i actually want to do then whatever. it's not worth the effort to try to make them understand.

only happy when it rains

yeah i know its beaucoup cliche to title this post after a garbage song but whatever...fuck you. it's not that random.

it was cloudy this morning when i was walking to brunch with bergin and kaidy. not just normal cloudy...power cloudy. and the way we walk, there's this amazing view of the mountains and i could see the deep purple-grey billowing over the ridge and i had to stop for a second. it was intense...i know i use that word way too much but there are no other ones that fit the view.

the clouds got me all excited...i've been wanting a rainstorm for a while. but not just a little shower...i want pouring rain with thunder that shakes the whole building and lightening that illuminates the entire sky. but no, my storm cravings were not to be fufilled today.

it's probably better though...if it had been raining i would'nt have wanted to do anything but sit out on the balcony with my camera, some poetry, my notebook and a blanket. sigh.

not that i was exceptionally productive earlier or anything though haha. anora and i worked on the poster for "a day for darfur" for the cda table and she and i pretty much just vented for a while to each other. i realized that despite all the shit she and i have going on in our lives, we are still somewat well-adjusted. and the poster looks pretty decent too!

i'm really happy that we're having a day for darfur and genocide awareness on campus. i mean, i've been pushing admin for one since i got here and it's FINALLY happening. i think i'm one of those people that have to do somthing if they see an injustice. i.e. darfur. i really dont understand how somthing so atrocious can still be going on...i mean in 1948 the U.N. was founded on the principle of "never again" (after the holocaust), yet since then, genocide has happened at least 3 times...rwanda, kosovo and now sudan. and although the u.s. is making some effort by passing legislation in refusing to do buisness with groups that support the sudanese government, what good does that really do for the people in the refugee camps or the villages being burnt, raped, slaughtered by the janjaiweed? real action needs to be taken...and i know our military is stretched so thin already but...somthing needs to be done, by NATO or the U.N. or ...someone. i heard from samantha the other day who is over in darfur now working in one of the refugee camps with medecins sans frontiers(thats doctors without borders for all you non-frenchies...she's a pediactric emergency physician aka dr. ross from old school er...) and it's more horrible than anyone thought over there. and i NEED to do somthing to stop this travesty.

i know i cant singlehandidly save the world but by participating in somthing like "a day for darfur" it makes me think that i might actually be doing some good. i'm really cynical and jaded but...there is still that glimmer of idealisim in me that forces me to care. i think that's my problem...i care too much and then need a few days off to regain the basic mental functions of an adult (crap...did i just call myself an adult? shit...i need to stop doing that).

“His words are bonds, his oaths are oracles; his love sincere, his thoughts immaculate; his tears pure messengers sent from his heart; his heart as far from fraud, as heaven from earth” -- Shakespere

...so true

love is hate. war is peace. no means yes and we're all free.

so last night was a disaster...it really was. college dems was a joke then i came back to my room to drink for a while. ended up going to hang out with whitney. i just met her during the snowday week but she's hilarious and sooo much fun to chill with. she had the idea of mixing mikes hards with vodka...tres yummy but holy shit i got drunk fast. long story short, i got WAY too drunk and ended up passing out on my floor. whoops. somewhere along the line i think i fell cuz i have bruses on my right leg and i cut up my left elbow pretty bad. whatever. i'm in college...

exactly 7 days and 5 hours from now i am going to be in FLORIDA!!! i'm so excited. and i found the most perfect florida clothes at neiman marcus earlier. i'm such a clothes whore...its really bad. i love this dress though...its a cynthia steffe. she's pretty new but she does some good stuff. the dress is a deep blueberry with contrasting tonal eyelet trim. its so amazing. and its 100% cotton so it's got to be the most comfortable thing ever. and of course...the perfect dress has to have the perfect bag. its a pucci...just off the spring collection. i figure with a darker dress i can do a fun bag like this: . i love the colors and i think it'd look really great against the dress. and with these michael kors shoes... and because i'm going to be sitting poolside writing my lit papers...i'm going to need new sunglasses. i love the new fendi line... these buckle ones are quite rockstar. i know its really vain but i love feeling like a celeb and wearing really big, dark sunglasses so that noone can see my eyes haha.

today it was so warm out...i cant wait for spring. cherryblossom fest is gonna be amazing this year and since im so close i can definatly be there for most, if not all.

and spring means summer's closer which means VERMONT and arshad and hiking and dfa and being by the late and seing james and chella and everyone fun.

..........if i can only make it through this week

black balloon

exams are this week. or next week rather. either way...i'm stressing. majorly.
here's what needs to be done before break:
* 2 5pg papers for terrorisim
* 7 1pg and 1 6pg papers for international relations
* newswriting exam
* newswriting event coverage
* music event analysis
* religion exam
* religion project
........i'm fucked...........

speaking of fucked...the chic who lives next to me is getting laid right now i can hear it through the wall....its grotesque. she's pretty ugly and still can find someone that desperate to get some to fuck her and i'm not ___that___ bad and i still cant get any. whatever. not like i'm a whore or anything but sex helps with stress.

even though my lit class rocks the casbah...im pretty stoked it was cancelled today. earlier in the semester the prof said if we had another snow day we wouldnt have our midterm. even though today wasnt a snowday...she was sick--which i'm definatly not happy about---i still hope we dont have the exam.

i'm really stoked to write my paper for her exam. i fully intend to do it slightly intoxicated poolside at my nannie's 55+ home...with drinks brought to me by sexy sexy men from the cabana.

maybe on breaks we'll play some golf or take the boat out on the intercoastal...just to see the waves and the ocean...nanny loves the water.

8 more days till SUN! and TAN! and the beautiful language of thoreau and stowe.........

swallow the knife

i really dont care anymore. no..thats a lie. i care too much. i want to be able to stop caring but i dont even know what i want. i hate not knowing. i i hate the unknown. i think thats why i hate math. because i dont like not knowing the solution to somthing.

my grandmother is dying. she has dementia and doesnt know it. i dont think i could live like she does...not knowing. if i was her, id throw myself off a cliff and just end it all. not even her dementia freaks me out...she's completly dependant on everyone to take care of her. i think that would bother me more. i dont need help and i get offended if someone thinks i do.

we are children of the goddess. she breathed life into us and she was perfect. because we are from her we are perfect. the goddess danced between raindrops and walked upon the snow and left no footprints. we are from her and can do the same. if we were to do otherwise, we would be admiting imperfection and therefore proving the goddess wrong. she is never wrong. and we are her children...we are never wrong.

except she is dying...and there is nothing i can do about it.

when she dies...and she will. i honistly do not know if i will care. she was never nice to me at all. and it was just understood that i was the screwed up child and i was to stay out of her way. i think when she finally dies it will be a huge burden off my sholders.

she will be gone and free...can i be jelous?

except there lays the other problem...my mother likes her. i mean...she should because she is her mother. but i mean...my mother will be an orphan.

i guess then she will know what it feels like to be truly alone.

but the one diffence between me and her is that she craves the dependance whilst i shun it.

quod me nutrit, mi distruit. what nourishes me destroys me.

....it could never be so true.

the list

i like lists. really i do. they help me organize my thoughts...which...lets be honist...are never really organized.

anyways...this list. i dont really have a title for this one. it's more the random thoughts that have been bundled up in my head all day. and need to come out. because i think otherwise my brain would explode. and thats not pretty. but neither am i. so i dont know if it would be an improvement or not.

1. i study better and write better once i've had a few shots in me. is this bad? i dont think so. it helps me be less cerebral which i need to be especially around midterm week. i had a few shots a few minutes ago and .......i feel pretty damn good.

2. thoreau's resistance to civil government is absolutly fucking amazing. while i'm not in any way advocating anarchy or violent revolution a la karl marx, thoreau has a point. people need to not be so lazy. if somthing horrible is going on...be it slavery or genocide (speaking of genocide...http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/02/27/sudan.darfur.reut/index.html...the ICC finally got off their asses in naming war criminals for the situation in darfur)...you are just as guilty for sitting on your ass and not working to end it than if you were perpatrating the act yourself. and thoreau's right.... " any man more right than his neighbors, constitutes a majority of one already". good actions transend time. look at jody williams...just an ordanary woman who realized landmines were doing more harm than good and actually did somthing about it...(more on her here http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1997/williams-cv.html).

3. '90s rock was pretty awesome. i've been on this goo goo dolls (a la dizzy up the girl), eve 6, natalie imbruliega, third eye blind kick the past few days. i like it...........alot. i dont know why. but it works for me more than the usual crap that's sold to the masses nowdays.

4. vodka is amazing.

5. whoever thought 9:30 was an acceptable time to have class was seriously deranged.

6. i am getting sick and i dont have time to.

7. i am tired of losing. i want to win. and i dont care what i have to do or who i have to sell out to do it. fuck you if youre not with me and get the hell out of my way cuz i want to WIN.

8. vodka is god.


yes...that was todays list. get over it.