i really dont care anymore. no..thats a lie. i care too much. i want to be able to stop caring but i dont even know what i want. i hate not knowing. i i hate the unknown. i think thats why i hate math. because i dont like not knowing the solution to somthing.
my grandmother is dying. she has dementia and doesnt know it. i dont think i could live like she does...not knowing. if i was her, id throw myself off a cliff and just end it all. not even her dementia freaks me out...she's completly dependant on everyone to take care of her. i think that would bother me more. i dont need help and i get offended if someone thinks i do.
we are children of the goddess. she breathed life into us and she was perfect. because we are from her we are perfect. the goddess danced between raindrops and walked upon the snow and left no footprints. we are from her and can do the same. if we were to do otherwise, we would be admiting imperfection and therefore proving the goddess wrong. she is never wrong. and we are her children...we are never wrong.
except she is dying...and there is nothing i can do about it.
when she dies...and she will. i honistly do not know if i will care. she was never nice to me at all. and it was just understood that i was the screwed up child and i was to stay out of her way. i think when she finally dies it will be a huge burden off my sholders.
she will be gone and free...can i be jelous?
except there lays the other problem...my mother likes her. i mean...she should because she is her mother. but i mean...my mother will be an orphan.
i guess then she will know what it feels like to be truly alone.
but the one diffence between me and her is that she craves the dependance whilst i shun it.
quod me nutrit, mi distruit. what nourishes me destroys me.
....it could never be so true.
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