a plain morning

its really early on a sunday and i'm awake. wide freaking awake on a sunday morning before 10. this is depressing.

my dad just left. he called my cell at 7:30 and told me since it was already starting to hail outside he was just going to start back to jersey. i guess that makes sence. in a weird way i'm relived because we had what could be thought of as a good day yesterday. and i think that if he and i hung out today it'd just get to be too much and somthing shitty would happen...as it always does.

i love how i am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. i can't just be content with somthing not being horrible, i have to question its motives for being good until my constant questioning turns it bad.

anways...before my dad left he came to campus to drop off my riding stuff. that was nice of him i guess. i mean i definatly want to go ride when it gets warmer or the ground isnt as frozen. there really is nothing like getting on top of a horse and just taking off, wandering through the mountains here. or not even that...just the feeling you get after you take a hunter course clear and know all the jumps were pretty. i dont know why i stopped...i miss riding. it gave me somthing to look forward to every week...to be able to spend the weekend at the barn. oh wait, i know. the people there were horrible. the horses sucked for the most part. and it was rediculously expensive. i hate not having money...

i just looked out my window and its snowing! i dont care if it's extremly childish...i love snow and if anyone tried to quell my excitement over this marvelous form of precipitation i just wont talk to them anymore ;) . i remember all through elementary school, whenever it started snowing the teachers would close the windows and blinds so we wouldnt see it. out of sight out of mind i guess. cuz that really worked guys...we're kids. we have this sixth sence for snow.

now that i'm unfourtionally older....ive just come to appreciate the beauty of snow even more. there is nothing like walking around at night right after or during a snowstorm. everything looks so pure....so virginal. like nothing could ever touch it.

because i'm a loser... i was reading some more dickinson. i dont know what forces we're hiding 561 from me but by some miracle i stumbled upon it this morning.

561
I measure every Grief I meet
With narrow, probing, Eyes
I wonder if It weighs like Mine
Or has an Easier size.

I wonder if They bore it long
Or did it just begin
I could not tell the Date of Mine
It feels so old a pain.

I wonder if it hurts to live
And if They have to try
And whether – could They choose between
It would not be – to die.

I note that Some – gone patient long
At length, renew their smile
An imitation of a Light
That has so little Oil.

I wonder if when Years have piled
Some Thousands – on the Harm
That hurt them early – such a lapse
Could give them any Balm.

Or would they go on aching still
Through Centuries of Nerve
Enlightened to a larger Pain
In Contrast with the Love.

The Grieved – are many – I am told
There is the various Cause
Death – is but one – and comes but once
And only nails the eyes.

There's Grief of Want – and grief of Cold
A sort they call "Despair"
There's Banishment from native Eyes
In Sight of Native Air.

And though I may not guess the kind
Correctly – yet to me
A piercing Comfort it affords
In passing Calvary.

To note the fashions – of the Cross
And how they're mostly worn
Still fascinated to presume
That Some – are like My Own.

i love a good bit of prose in the morning.

wow...the snow is really coming down now. i might just have to go onto the balcony and take pictures. i know it's depressing but i love grey days. the contrast of the blackened trees against the almost white sky, lightly kissed with shades of dark green and a touch of brown. yes...definatly picture time. then i'm curling up with some tea and reading for classes till i have to pretend i like kids at this admitted students day thing. such BS. whatever. if it gets me more freshies for college dems then i guess its worth putting up with them for a few hours.