what else can we do but try?

dad came down today from jersey. i never know how to feel when either he or mother show up (with or without their respective spouse or fling of the week). even though they are my family, i don't consider them to be. i don't like them having control over me and whenever i see or hear from them, it inevatilby brings me back to place where i dont want to be. let's face it...i had a shitty childhood. it wasn't the worst case situation (for the most part) but it was far from easy. and i guess being somewhat on my own here allows me to escape all the crap i had to deal with back home.

it's always slightly (and by slightly, i mean extremly) awkward when my dad shows up. even though we're pretty much exactly the same in every single way...down to drinking our diet cokes with lime slightly squeezed on the side...we're just starting to get onto good terms. it's been pretty good since ive been away. i mean...he's good in small doses but i dont think i could ever go back to living with him & his wife or my mother. i need my own space and to be in control of my own life. that being said though... i'm not going to say no to them putting money in my bank account or taking me shopping. but even then, i feel bad. i guess it's because i don't want to feel dependant on them, i know its hypocrytical for me to allow them to pay for things for me when i can't really stand their presence for an extended period of time.



that being said...today was actually a good day i think. i origionally thought we were just going to stay around frederick and shop or whatever but my dad suprised me and said we should go into dc. this of course made me extremly happy. i love dc. somthing about white marble makes me disgustingly happy. not even that though. i am just so envious of people who work on the hill or with lobbys or ngos or interest groups. they are actually doing somthing...helping to effect change. and right now...i dont feel like i am. anyways. we ended up driving in, which i dont mind on a saturday midday...less traffic. and it was so beautiful out.


cuz i am such a freaking politics whore, i ended up walking over to the hill. this was the first time that i'd been able to bring myself to actually face the capital building since losing in '06. losing is never easy but i think last cycle just stung more than it should have. but today...walking up towards the dome...i felt this strange sence of peace come over me. the whole while, my dad and i were talking. he asked if it was depressing for me to be by the capital when we had some close to winning and i said no. which is true. i think it was more motivating than anything. just to purposly rub my face in what we could have and came so close to having that we could see linda being sworn in as the congresswoman from new jersey.

no matter how many times i am on the hill, be it for work or visiting or jogging in the morning (it looks so beautiful at sunrise), i am always humbled. so much history...not all (or even most of it) good but at least they were doing what they believed in.


afterwards, he and i just talked. i told him how i want to maybe take off a year so i can do the race in the 7th. he's pissed. but i dont care. its my life. and if i want to do it then fuck you i am. since when did i start listening to people?


he's coming to get me tomorow morning for coffee before he heads home. i guess tomorow after that i should go do homework. i cant believe the semester is halfway through. whatever... every day brings me closer to summer where i can lose myself in vermont and do what i love.


on a completly unrelated subject... ive been reading dickinson for the past few days. i like it. she has this perverse sence of humor and desperation in her writing. i love it. either that or i just finally learned how to appreciate poetry.


what i wouldnt do for a vodka martini right now...