i am my prison

i was just listening to the really old song "rise from the ashes" by quietdrive and its kind of unnerving how its expresses pretty much exactly how i feel right now. i'm just so...i dont know. part of me wants to break free from the proverbial shackles that are permenantly supressing what i really want to do.

because i'm going into politics, i dont allow myself to do a lot of things that i'd like to. i want to travel... visit greece, israel, walk the great wall of china, raft down the amazon... but i cant. in my mind i have no time. i need to finish my undergrad as soon as humanly possible, while still working on campaigns and with dfa. i need to get my duel masters in public policy and rhetoric. i need to have one book published by the time i'm 25. i need to make sure we win nj-7 and keep it a democratic seat. i need to be working in DC, writing speeches or consulting. i need to do volunteer work. i need to do somthing important...go to darfur and work in the refugee camps or teach english to kids in india...somthing of the sort.

i am petrified of failure. my freshman year of high school, i made a list of what i want to do before i die. and i feel as if every day i am closer to death but i have not made the progress i would have liked to. i am truly unhappy with where i am in life. with me, it's always about what's next. i cant be content with where i am now and what i am doing. if i become lax with my goals, everything i have done so far will have been for naught.

i think also though, i have always been known as the "political one". in high school, instead of going out and doing normal kid stuff, i spent my time on campaigns. if it was the off-season, i was at home...tracking legislation and writing letters to the editor about...everything. everything that was wrong with my town and the government and what needs to be done about it. i skipped my senior prom...it was the weekend before the primary. even now... its the only thing i feel entirely confident talking about. i know no other world than the political one.

but i think at the root of my problems...not even career related... is that i care too much. at the end of the day, i cant fix everything. i cant stop a genocide. i cant ensure every woman worldwide's access to fair and true reproductive health information. i cant make the government lower the voting age, to make kids a constuancy witin themselves, even though it is their decisions that will effect us 25 years from now. i cant go into a time machine and learn how to have fun. i cant make him...or anyone...love me. and no matter how hard i try, at the end of the day, i cant (nor will i ever be) perfect.