leave

me here and let me go.

it would hurt a lot less than having to see me everyday still pining after what i obviously cannot have.

ecstacy and jelly beans

I want this day to be over.
I say "I" a lot.
Very narcissistic of me now, no?
But I don't really care.
That much.
I'm really not as messed up as everyone thinks I am.
I am capable of taking care of other living things.
Like kitties.
My name does not mean "The Devil" in Hebrew, Jakob.
Asshat.
I don't believe in the conventional labels that society uses to define sexual orientation.
Maybe I should have gone to work today.
Oh well.
Singular causes suicidal thoughts.
I think that's hilarious.
Bean knows.
She does not approve.
I do not care.
I might as well just go for it.
Or whatever.
If it's gonna happen, it will.
If not, bummer.
But I really want it to happen.
They rock.
Screw it.
I'm gonna stop playing the pronoun game.
She rocks.
She makes me happy.
I've got it bad for a girl.
Is that better?
I don't care if you have a problem with it.
I am who I am.
Deal.
I don't deserve you making me want to die on a nightly basis.
And you're not gonna fix me.
Because I am not broken.
Or maybe I am.
But I'm ok with who I am, thanks.
Perfection is still alluring though.
QMNMD anyone?
Starbucks today was awesome though.
I needed that.
The hangover this morning wasn't that bad.
99 Blackberries makes me pretty happy.
And that is not healthy.
Oh well.
I'm really vain.
Not even.
I'm BEYOND vain.
And really want to light my new beeswax candles.
But then the dorm would burn down.
Which would be sucky.
M has my Sylvia Plath dress still.
I really should get that back before it gets really warm.
I look kinda really awesome in it.
Very romantic.
They really should stop doing landscaping work at 7am.
It doesn't bother me.
But I know most people aren't up then.
And that has to suck waking up to a lawnmower.
My eyeballs hurt.
It's not my contacts.
But just my eyes.
Maybe I'm tired?
That is always an option.
This time next year I'll be in South Africa.
I'm excited.
Hardcore.
My brother makes me angry.
I am amazed by his stupidity.
There really is no other word for it.
Ugg.
I can't stand how every three seconds.
She's on my mind.
It's freaking me out.
I'm not good with this liking someone thing.
Note to self: stop being shy.

concerete angel

I feel pretty defeated right now. I just insinuated via text message for the first time that I may actually have feelings for the person I'm interested in and how frustrated that I don't know what we're doing (if we're just two friends who are hanging out or if there may be something more there) and said person didn't quite get it, I don't think. ARUGH. All of their close friends know that we've been hanging out and it's just so frustrating that I don't know where we stand. I have a big problem with not knowing. And it honestly took a lot for me to actually come out and say that I'm into them and to feel this shot down is really kinda messing with my head. This whole liking someone dance we all do is just sucky. I think it creates so much unnecessary tension it alone has the potential to seriously mess things up. Sometimes I honestly wish I wasn't interested in anyone at all ever. Yeah, it would be horrible being alone forever but at least it would be easier than having to worry about saying and doing the right things, not looking like a wreck and all that stuff with comes with liking someone.

In other news, I'm pretty sure I'm failing out of school. Go me. I completely failed my American Novel midterm. 55%. Go me. I'm just a big ball of talent this semester. At least, if anything, I'm moving off campus next semester into a really sweet apartment downtown and one of my good friends is going to rent in the same building. So maybe I'll be able to focus better on classes before South Africa in the Spring.

Spring is on its way and my allergies are not excited. Even sitting through class this evening, I was sniffily. And when I run in the morning, I've been getting short of breath from the pollen and whatnot. NO BUENO. Especially when the medicine I take for it, Singular, is now being investigated by the FDA for causing people to commit suicide. Death by medicine. Sweet. If you're gonna go out, that doesn't seem like that bad of a way to go. I'm guessing that your family would make bank from a lawsuit after the fact.

Oh drug companies.... how I HATE you. A lot.

promise what you will

I basically don't even care anymore. I hate drama. I hate not being able to do what I want because I'm so scared of causing even more drama. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that we only have six weeks left in the semester and then ....

I guess the main reason I'm not acting on things is that, well, I'm scared. I know that they and I would get attached and it would suck hardcore when I went home for the summer and they went to adultland. I just don't want to hurt them if it doesn't work out.

They make me so happy though...


(ijusdontknowanymore)

ick

I haven't been able to write for a while now and it's making me want to die. Seriously. I'm a writer with a hideous case of writer's block. I can't bring myself to create ANYTHING, of substance or not. And it's really starting to mess with my conscience.

Tomorrow I'm baking with Devin. I'm stoked. She's pretty awesome and I feel like I haven't had an opportunity to really chill with her in a while. And apparently she's Betty Homemaker so this should be pretty wicked awesome.

I feel like I don't know how to de-stress, I've been so high strung for the longest time. That can't be healthy, no?

Platypuses (platapui?) are pretty freaking sweet, I decided.

(((words that don't blow))
dragon
Aquarius
cashmere
extrapolate
mango
fairground
vanity
Gucci
salute
fire
braid
seafoam
rough
hardcore
silhouette
float
scarecrow
sonata
reaction
Cinderella
hostess
countdown
precious
clouds
engrave
frog



-thatisall-

immobilarity

I realized last night that I'm really scared. I have no idea about my future and that's really disconcerting. I have no idea about grad school or even if any program will take me. I'm scared that I won't come back from South Africa and I'll end up working for a NGO over there and loving it. I'm scared that I'm running away from what could potentially be a good thing with Michael down in Florida. I'm scared that I'll never be able to get over and move beyond my past. I'm scared of leaving my past. Really fucking scared.

And it sucks.

I ran into my old boss from the 2006 race Tuesday night at Whole Foods. Can you say AWKWARD?????????? Seriously, I have no hard feelings over not being swooped up by Stender '08 but I would love a little recognition. For once. I mean, I worked my ass off for eleven months for her and then had the audacity to think that I may get a nod for the rematch. It's whatever though.

My midterm essays are not working out for me... maybe I should roll with the whole plot to drop out, move out to SanFran, paint, write and tan.

so misleading and so contageous now...

This weekend was kind of ridiculous. I did absolutely no work whatsoever. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next few days leading up to break though. I have a lit review for my methods thesis, a methods exam, a bio lab, an English paper all to finish. Not to mention packing... which always takes me an obscene amount of time. And.. I mean... I feel bad. But I haven't had as much time to see my friends over the past week or so because I've just been so busy.

And... I know I'm going to be basically a wreck Tuesday night and for most of the day Wednesday if the inevitable happens. Which is going to SUCK. Seriously. I don't like being a big ball of inconsolable tears... but that's what's gonna go down. Consider yourself warned.

Florida Michael is driving down for sure. I'm so excited. He's just such a fun person to be around. And it's gonna suck seeing my grandmother like that... again... and he can make it better. So yay.
Mi madre still is clueless about the new scars. Hopefully there will be no awkward questions asked.

At least the grocery stores down there sell enough liquor to make it all go away.......

the sun will always rise...

I think today is the start of a new era. I finally had the talk with school Mike. Or rather, I was slightly tipsy and went over to his place. We chill and then we talked. About everything. And... I think it's going to be ok. As much as I don't want to believe it right now, Mike and I can never be together. He's looking for love, not lust.. as he put it. And I'm too insane. And too... I think we honestly deserve being more than each other's last option. It's not healthy for me, or fair to him, to keep looking back on whatever he and I were doing for a while. Even though it's going to suck pretty bad for a while... it's just one of those things I'm going to have to deal with. And... maybe I need to just take some time off boys for a while. I need to start focusing on myself and fixing myself before I can even begin even postulating being in a healthy relationship with someone. I need to commit to making serious changes. Not just so I can maybe someday be with someone and not completely self-destruct but also... I need to stop being complacent with the situation I've created for myself. There has to be more than this...

slave to the groove

The only thing keeping me going right now is the fact that two weeks from today, right now, I am going to be laying on my boat somewhere on the Intercoastal, sipping champagne and getting perfectly tan.

I know it's so petty and probably really unhealthy but I hate being as pale as I am right now. It just makes me feel like I'm fading, even moreso than everything else. Hopefully this upcoming Floridian-stint will be able to amend this. Or, if not, give me enough color to hold me over till it gets warm in Maryland.

Aside from having to deal with familial bullshit when I'm down there, I'm hoping it will be a fun trip. Army Michael (not school Mike... I know there's too many Mikes in my life...deal with it) is trying to drive down from Daytona for the weekend. That would just be perfect. I haven't seen Michael in almost six months now and he's my person. He basically got me through the last half of high school, even when he had much more important things to deal with. Like killing terrorists and such.
He's such a badass! Fuck... I remember Mid-March of my senior year, right smack in the middle of his second tour, my rugby team made it to the finals. I emailed Michael to give him the news and he CALLS ME from the sandbox after the last game, just to make sure we rocked it. Or when he had flowers sent to me for graduation cuz he couldn't be there to give them to me myself. Michael is just that amazing. He gives you what you want... but also he knows what you need. And I think that's almost impossible to find in another human being, you know?

And now I just realized that Mid-March of my senior year was nearly two years ago. And now I feel old.

beyond the sun

I basically failed the bio exam I had today. I just don't get it. As much as I study for that class, I can't get into it. And whatever info I do retain, I can only regurgitate. Barely. Seriously, I could not even tell you how a cell works or whatever I was supposed to "learn" in the first four chapters.

I'm really furious with Mike. I think I'm once again realizing that I'm not even a friend to him. I'm just something for him to stick his dick in. Which isn't the best situation for me. I'm worth so much more than that. I think it's just the idea of him that still gets to me. The hope that one day (or night or whenever) he sees me, he'll realize that I'm the only one who actually cares about him and will always be there for him. The whole bloody thing pisses me off though.

Let's just take a moment and revel in the ultimate amazingness of PB&J on whole wheat. I just had one. And it makes me happy. Probably happier than it should. But... I guess that's ok.

My foreign policy class... we have an exam on Thursday. I'm not worried. It's foreign policy. I actually know this crap. And we're studying tomorrow night. By we, I mean CC, Dave, Hardman & I are gonna sit around and drill for an hour and joke off for three. Which is awesome. I really do love my boys. Dave needs to get over this cold though. Seriously, he's been sick for two weeks and seems so miserable. But... being sick is never fun so whatever.

ugh

After a long hiatus, Mike is back in my life. Just friends. Which sucks. It really hurts seeing him every day and knowing that he's not mine. We'd be so perfect together...

seek up

Today's the Wisconsin & Hawaii primaries... and I couldn't care less. Really. I think I'm just burnt out. When all you (for lack of better word) do for seven years is the political thing, it gets tiring. And I'm kind of at that point. I'm not over OVER it. But I want to do more.

I met with my adviser yesterday to talk grad school. I know I want to do something with international relations, with a focus on Africa. But my GPA is really really hideous and I'm left with a 3.73 after last semester. Meaning the grad programs with an Africanist in the department aren't even going to look at me unless I bring it up to a 3.95 or higher. Which sucks. I know I really don't have anyone to blame but myself if I don't get into a worthwhile grad program. I guess... maybe though... going to South Africa next Spring may help boost my resume. Especially if I can get some research done when I'm there.

The only thing I KNOW that is going to kick my butt if I don't start immediately is learning Afrikaans. The Dutch is going to mess me up but I'm thinking, because I have a background in German and some Latin that it shouldn't be too bad. I just want to be able to communicate when I'm there and not look like a stupid foreigner. And, although all of the classes I'm taking are being taught in English, I want to be able to communicate with the people I'm living with and such.

Wow... I can't believe I'm actually doing this!!! Finally something to look forward to that I've decided to do on my own terms.

be more perfect

I don't even know anymore. Every time I feel like something is finally going right and I gain the balls to submit a piece, I get rejected. I mean, it's whatever. I just would kill for one goddamned publisher to make me feel like the one thing I know I actually enjoy in my life isn't bloody garbage. I am just so frustrated right now. I know I'm not a bad writer. I just would love some freaking validation.

In other news, I scratched the heck out of my throat on Friday afternoon and was coughing blood for a good hour and a half after. Go Lilith. I swear. I probably am the only one stupid enough to purge in a dorm restroom and am exactly incompetent enough to scratch my throat in the process. I really am a freaking genius.

ANWAG is kicking my ass. I think I've realized how little I care about nuclear energy policy. Which kinda sucks cuz I'm contracted till the end of March and, by transit, have to fake caring till then.

South Africa is going to be amazing. I can't get over the fact that a year from now, I'll be on another continent, far far far away from everything here FINALLY studying what I want. I'm actually thinking of hopping on a research trip my family friend is doing to Sierra Leone in December and just going straight from there to Stellenbosch, just to get away sooner.

snowday!!!

Ok. Maryland people are whimps. I don't mind having a second snowday in a row. Not at all. But seriously. It's WARM out. I went out in flipflops and a tee earlier. Whatever.

I got roped into making a trek down to Florida to visit the grandmother over spring break. I dont know how I feel about that one yet. After the last visit, I've been trying to isolate myself from the entire situation. And now, having to go back... it's just gonna suck.

At least I can work on my base tan and maybe take the boat out.

remind me to never have offspring

sinister sister

I can't sleep. It's after 3am and I can't sleep. Last year, this wouldn't have worried me... but now it is. Because last year, I stopped being able to sleep a few days before I slid into a hardcore manic phase. I'm talking hardcore along the lines of not sleeping at all, not eating, existing off of coffee and cigs, bounce from class to class with hitting the gym and cleaning my room like there's no tomorrow between...that kind of manic. I don't know. I should be able to embrace that this is how I am at this point, but I don't feel like it. I knew I was gonna hit a manic patch at some point... but now. COME ON! I'm just starting to get my routine down with classes and consulting and such. I liked being able to kind of know what's coming. It was disgustingly monotonous and I hated it, but at least I had control over what was going on. Now...as soon as I get into it... I know it's gonna be bad.

I was able to find Polly's obit. Here is the link. Check it out if you want. Or not. I don't think it's that good of an obit. It doesn't list the cause of death. And I mean, when a 33 year old dies, people wanna know that. Not just the goddess obsessed. Plus, that's a really shitty picture of her. I think Polly looks too cooperate there, like she's trying to hard to conform to adulthood. I mean, I guess it makes sense since she was working as a lobbyist and such. But still, for her obit, I would have liked to see a pic that captured who she really was, in all of her fucked up glory.

Valentine's Day is Thursday. This is gonna be the second year in a row that I'm alone on a completely manufactured holiday. I'm not entirely bummed by that, though. I just don't think I actually care enough about other people (even my friends... sorry guys!) to have any desire to engage in meaningful adult relationship. Aside, of course, from my desperate need for attention. Actually... that's not a bad reason to get involved in a relationship. I mean, I know I'm bloody insane for being able to justify wanting to be in a relationship for purely personal gains. But isn't that why everyone gets into a relationship to begin with? It can't be just sex. There's no law you have to be seeing someone for that to happen, or for it to even be good. Some of the best fucks I've had have been with one night stands. But, I digress, there really doesn't seem to be a need for me to be in a relationship right now. Nor are their any half-decent prospects around here so whatever.

I've been toying with the idea of doing something drastic to my hair for the past few weeks. It's so fried to the point where my split ends have splits. Gross. I originally wanted to shave it all off but then I realized that's probably not a good look for anyone. I know, if anything, I'm just going to end up hacking off an inch or so over my sink. Especially since summer is coming up. There's something poetic about being tan, rocking a white sundress and having long brown hair.

I absolutely cannot wait for it to be warm enough for spring/summer clothes. Since I know you all really want to help out a starving writer, let me know if you **want** to make a donation to the "Let's get Lilith a fabulous new wardrobe" fund. I take cash, personal checks and of course, gift cards. I even have an awesome wishlist set up at Nordstroms, Sax and Neiman Marcus and I'm more than happy to send them over.

I'm not even kidding. Buy me things.

how bad do you want it?

I'm not pro-ana... but. God. This vid is amazing.

Polly, from the HBO documentary, THIN died. I don't know exactly when it happened because I can't find anything about it on googlenews or tmz or whatever. But that's the buzz going around. One of my friends who's also mia told me and she heard from a pretty reputable source. I don't know why that scares me so much. I don't know if it was her ed or other health issues that killed her...

I know what I do is dangerous. But it's such a big part of me now... I love Mia. I really do. Her and Ana have always been there for me regardless of how bad things get. They're my constant reminder that no matter how happy I am, I'm never going to be good enough. They keep me grounded. They remind me that I am imperfect and and imperfect person is a reminder of an imperfect soul. Mia punishes me for engaging in gluttonous behaviour that is not befitting of one with my talents. Ana is the reward. Ana only comes out when I've proved myself worthy of her control. I really do love them both.

The thing is... for me at least, it's not about a 'diet' thing. Because it's not a diet. It's not a lifestyle. It's a disease. Yes, I know this is a monumental step in me admitting that I have a disease... but I'm not ready to recover from it. And I'm ok with that. You can't become bulimic or anorexic. You just are.

It's a control thing. I have absolutely no control over any other aspect of my life except what I put in my body and what comes out of it. And as long as I can control that, than I'm good.

Recovery is just not an option for me right now. And I don't really think I need it. I mean, I can function. And I'm not dying. Which is basically the two things you get thrown in recovery for... the whole not being able to function thin and about to die. They don't like that.

I can't stand it when I feel like Mia and Ana have left me. I need to take some time tomorrow and devote myself to getting back to the goddesses for good. Hardcore. Because true perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but nothing left to take away.

And I am going to be perfect or die trying.

Constant.

Palm fronds traipse the toxic breeze,
vicious strands of kindergarten crayon green tangle
in the sea-spray scarred updraft.
Thunderclouds mark the horizon and I am
transfixed
to the balcony.

Young love, motionless, below me.
His cautious hand hesitating to grab her perfectly manicured fingertips
in a testament to chivalry,
protecting her from the storm.

Last night's now-neglected beer cans,
haphazardly left just beyond the dunes
now tango with half-smoked cigarettes and stale gum
twirling to crashing waves and lightning strokes.

I remain frozen. So
small.
Insignificant.
Against the one constant
during the summer,
down the shore.

lose control

Things you don't know about me and probably don't really care to... but are gonna find out:
-I love my eating disorder. There's something powerful about being in total control. Purging water after a fast and knowing you're completely empty is the best high I've ever tried.
-Doing drugs makes me feel sexy. Especially acid.
-I can't produce when I'm happy.
-I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was ten by overdosing on cold meds. All that happened is that I threw up all over the place and got to miss school for two days.
-My scars are the only thing on my body that I'm not repulsed by.
-I really hate most of the people in my family.
-I buried my best friend last year.
-Freshman year of high school, in a freak accident, a tree fell on a table of kids, killing one. I was supposed to be at that table with them during break except I was in the bathroom throwing up my breakfast.
-Being in crisis is the only state I feel even somewhat comfortable in. I cannot simply tolerate being normal.
-I'm still in love with him.
-I have serious father-figure issues.
-The evening before the New Hampshire primary, I slept with a married Secret Service member.
-I was drunk or high for the entire first month back here last semester.
-I resent my friend for asking the right questions.
-I want to run away to Africa and start over. I'm seriously considering it, actually.
-Even though I've been hurt so many times, I'd take any of them back in an instant, just to be held again.
-I couldn't care less about a majority of the people I hang out with at home.
-I only smoke because I look like a smoker.
-Quod mi nutrit, mi distruit. Forever.

FUCK YOU ALL

VOTE for HILLARY!!!!!!!!!!

Please. Everyone. Vote for Hillary Clinton tomorrow.

Tested. Ready. Hillary.

Why am I voting for Hillary? Well...
-Sen. Hillary Clinton's plan for shared prosperity will help strengthen the middle class and make sure no American is struggling to keep their family afloat. A strong middle class is a strong America.
-When she was in the White House, Hillary pushed the Republican Congress to fully authorize S-CHIP- the State Children's Health Insurance Plan- that gives affordable healthcare services to ANY child in our nation who's parents for whatever reason cannot provide it for them.
-Hillary believes that women's rights are human rights. She's been a steadfast advocate for full global equality for women, from equal pay and shattering the glass ceiling to protecting Roe V Wade and making sure Plan B is available over the counter, Sen. Clinton trusts women to make decisions on their own terms.
-Hillary is the only candidate who understands the struggle our troops are dealing with in Iraq. It's time to bring them home. With Sen. Clinton's plan of phased withdrawal, every single American servicemember will be back home safe within 10 months.

And aside from that... it'd be so cool to finally be able to say Madam President (and not have it be one of the chants we use at rallies to get the crowd pumped).

So if you live in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Illinois, Kansas, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee or Utah and are registered to vote, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure you get out there and vote tomorrow for Hillary Clinton.

It's not just a vote, its your life.

www.hillaryclinton.com