Sunday, July 29, 2007

on loss:

Loss of summer-
I have never known a season to last as shortly as this summer. Wasn't it just last week that I was bitching and moaning about having to pack up my dorm room? I think it really hit when I got my "Back to School" bundle of repetitive paperwork with the post yesterday. Honistly, if I didn't before, now I surely have my student ID number memorized...along with the dates of my immunizations, intended graduation date, advisor's name and contact information, perfered residence, yada yada yada. I can't believe August 27 will be my 14th first day of school (not counting preschool and such). Damn. One year ago I was counting the days till I started my first day of college. It really is striking to see how much I have changed-- for better and worse-- since starting college. I'm going to go as far as to say that I think I may actually be starting to figure myself out and become...gasp...human. And it's not that I don't love college or anything (how can I not, especially if I want to be a professor?) but now I've begun to count the days left till I get my diploma and start grad work. And as much as I love summer, I find myself simply unable to enjoy it at all. Even at the hookah bar or Lotus or really anywhere that I used to hang out with people, I no longer am amused even in the slightest way. But, in true Lilith fashon, I fake having fun. And I do it pretty damn well but even when I catch myself being somewhat happy, I go back to being emotionless. I think it's just easier this way. So when I leave Jersey again (for what will hopefully be the last time), I won't have any memories to lure me back here. Except this then brings up the issue of what to do with Adam. I want to make it work, but I'm petrified that I don't have the willpower to do so with a 3-hour minimum gap between us. And that really sucks because I think I'm in love with him. I know I say I love people a lot...but with him...it's different. He's completly stolen my heart and it makes me extremly happy just to say that I love him. I love loving Adam. And if anything, I think that will bring me back, just to see him.

Loss of creativity-
I can't write or even conceptualize anything worth writing that has any substance to it. Everything pouring out of my head is just straight up stream-of-(un)conscience work and it's leaving me absolutly nothing to even piece into anything that could even be thought of as somthing worth reading. I hate this feeling. I just feel so...useless. And it's not like anything I've ever written has been that great, it's seriously amateur night every time I create..anything. But it's just super frusturating (I can't believe I just said "super" and am not being sarcastic). I guess everyone hits a dry spell once and a while. I think this one is just hitting me hard because now that I'm on the verge of publication with Drip and all (let me just take a minute and say how much I adore my editor over at Wasteland Press. Donnie, thank you for putting up with me and helping me make this happen while allowing me to maintain almost, if not all, of my integrety as an author. I don't know what I'd do without Donnie's constant badgering to make deadline while giving me everything I need to **hopefully** get what I need out there with this piece. Majour respect Wastland Press. Forever). But now I think people are going to expect a certain level of quality from them and I don't want to dissapoint. Or at least dissapoint more then after my first works are read.

Loss of ability to feel-
I am emotionless. Completly. Numb. I love it and yet, I am a bit disconcerned. I don't quite know what to make of this yet. Maybe I'm insane. Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm on drugs. Maybe I'm not. But regardless, I don't really give a shit.

Friday, July 27, 2007

all the girls say...

Let me catch you up on what's been going on over the past few days:

-I quit my job. It was killing me. Not only were the hours stopping me from salvaging what is left of my life up here in Jersey, but the people were extremely paracitic and it's not a situation where I wanted to stay for longer than absolutly nessasary. So Ieft and I feel pretty damn good about it.

-My hair still looks amazing. Pictures soon, I promise. The dark brown is much more striking and suits me more than trying to be blonde.

-Ashley and I are going to live together at school and try to make it work. We have a pretty big room with two huge closets and it's in one of the newer dorms so no complaints. And she's cool with my OCD-neatness and intends to keep her side the same. **Hopefully** it'll work out cuz I'm really not game for running to ResLife again and begging for a single. I think there's only so many times you can do that before they decide to call it quits on helping you out.

-Adam and I are FANTASTIC. Even though he's down the shore with his family for another week, we still talk twice a day and text eachother constantly. It's kind of sickeningly adorable actually. And we have real conversations, it's not just "I miss you snookums" back and forth for two hours. Like last night we discussed what makes a person "real" and if religion is the sole stagnent qualifier in creating a person's identity. Smart, hot and sweet...I think I may have found a good one.

-I'm going to the Hamptons with Audrey for a week to help look after her daughter, Danielle, who pretty much worships me. And Audrey is one of my best friends here so it's going to be so much fun. Their house is literally right on the beach and they have a huge pool and I'm going to get disgustingly tan and have their BUTLER (yes I said BUTLER) bring me yummy drinks with little umbrellas whenever. Jelous?? Yeah, I would be too.

-School starts in a month. Holy Hell. Three months went by really fast. Oh well. I'm so excited though. I really want to see everyone from Maryland and to start class again. Yeah, summer classes were fun but I miss serious academia. I miss the challenge more than anything, I think. One month...yay!!!

Alright. No thinking I'm dead when I don't write for a week...I'm a busy girl. =D

Sunday, July 22, 2007

yuppp

So Adam is the new Mike.
Mike found it hilarious to demand I change everything about myself for him, from my clothes to my interests to everything. So he is gone. And the new boy, Adam, is amazing. He calls me pretty and actually means it, makes me feel safe and brings me flowers made of Swedeish Fish. I think he's a keeper.

Going green is the new sexy.

Obviously, or John and I would just look rediculous trying to fight for open spaces. We're vain. There has to be somthing in it for us.

Blood oranges are the new blackberries.
Six times the antioxidents and much cheeper. And they taste delicious. Try blood orange juice and jager. It's majourly fantastic.

Brunette is the new blonde.
I got bored of being blonde earlier and went dark dark brown. Almost Angelina Jolie dark brown, but not quite. I love it. It looks so striking.

Content is the new emo.
I find no need to abhore any pleasant vibes anymore. If I'm happy, then so be it. If I'm not, then whatever. There are more important things to stress about.

And I am absolutly ok with all of that.

HARRY POTTER!!!! HARRY POTTER!!!! HARRY POTTER!!!!

I got my book. And I'm eternally greatful to the Amazon.com deliveryman who had it at my door at 5am. Heck yes, he rocks.

And, without saying anything for anyone who hasn't finished it....but WOW. I would have never seen that one coming. But still absofuckinglutley amazing.

Now...bed. Cuz it took me almost 20 hours to read the entire thing. And now I'm exahausted.

Yay Harry!!!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Photo Friday- "Vacation"




The hallway at my Nauna's vacation home in Rome. I miss summers there.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

sleep

I miss it. Seriously I do. I haven't had time to sleep more than two hours a night in the past month. And now it's starting to catch up with me. Boo...whatever. I mean, it's what I do during school so I guess it works that I'm doing it now too.

Just to gague my tiredness-- Harry Potter VI hits Saturday. And while all the rest of the world will be at book release parties, I'll be sleeping till mine is delivered via Amazon.com. Yup. That exahausted.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

supersonic

It's raining. It's raining and I have to vet twelve outdoor areas for a fundraiser I'm planning. In a suit and heels. And it's not even like it's drizziling...it's pretty seriously raining. On my run this morning, I come in and have to wring out my hair and clothes on the porch before I came in the house.

And I theoretically could have my assistant hold an umbrella over me cuz I'm going to have my hands full with my clipboard and blackberry and such...but that would make me seem like such a diva. I mean, I know I'm high maintennce, but I don't think I'm that bad.

It kinda sucks though, cuz I love the rain. I really do. I love taking walks in it, watching it, splashing in puddles...the whole nine yards. Just not when I have to actually do the adult thing.

ihatehavingtobeanadult

Monday, July 16, 2007

Ugh.

Why I am not exactly in a good mood right now:

1. Mike is officially on my shitlist. He thought it'd be fun to rip on me to all his friends last night, completly forgetting that I'm best friends with most of them. Whoops. Way to talk crap about me, jackass.

2. Adam's dad has a really big problem with him seeing me. Which doesn't make sence to me at all, but Adam actually does the whole family thing and cares about what they think.

3. My stepmom "accidently" flushed my migrane meds. All $300 worth--which I pay out of pocket because my health insurane sucks--are gone. And I feel like I'm getting one.

4. My stepmom wants me to drive with her to Maine for the weekend to visit her son, who I cannot stand.

5. Sean, from work, got fired because he didn't bring in enough fundraising over the past two weeks. And he was the one guy who actually could make me laugh at the office, regardless of what was going on at the time.

6. My mother's car died so now she took back the car she was letting me use...so I'm once again sans car and have to resort to the whims of NJ's mass transit system.

7. I have to organize another press conference for right before I head back to school and I have no ideas for the angle or the local. I want to do it somewhere in Linda's district, to get her some good press (and show my loyalty to her=D ), but I can't find a way to make it not look sketchy with everyone in the office.

8. This guy who I used to work with, way back in 2004, and who now writes for Roll Call thought it'd be fun to call me "a vain, materialistic, opportunistic, sociopathical bitch" in his editorial column. Although he never mentions me by name, anyone who worked with us or who knows anything about my career or mannerisms on the campaign trail can figure out its me.

9. Same guy, who is also extremly disgusting and sketchy, called and wanted to know if I wanted to meet up with him for drinks tonight. Right after he publically critisizes me. Jackass.

10. My nails keep braking, even though I keep them polished.

11. The books I ordered for background reading for some of my fall classes haven't come yet.

12. John fired Samantha yesterday and now she's mad because I didn't fight for her. Except that I had no idea that he was going to fire her, since I no longer work with them and rarely talk to John anymore. I know there's nothing I could have done, but Sam loved that job.

.....hopefully tomorrow won't suck as bad.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

maybe everyone else is insane...

...and i'm the normal one?

NO. It cant be. I'm just not that lucky.

I'm really starting to hate living up here with my father and stepmom. She can't keep her mouth shut to her family, finds it nessasary to judge me based on the meds I take (all of which perscribed) and to question the validity of me taking them (cuz apparantly she thinks I'm not being sincere when I say I can't move when I have migranes) and then feels its approrpriate to search my room. Just like Janet back at home. Ugh. This is why I can't live with people.

And I miss my summer classes. I love work, but there's somthing about having an academic challenge that makes me really happy. I don't know what it is, but I'm not getting it here.

Only one month or so till I'm back at school. Yay. I figure, regardless of where I am, people are going to judge and talk crap about me...so I might as well be somewhere that doesn't make me want to constantly gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

But...I met another guy. Mike is now out of the picture...at least for this week. But the new guy, Adam, is amazing. He's smart, funny, really artistic and a writer. And he loves that I'm not the happy one. Happiness disgusts him...which works cuz I don't do happy.

If I did...I'd be so boring.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

paradise...

...is having the press conference over and done with and not having to be at work till 11am Monday. An entire day, just for myself. Gosh. I don't even know what I want to do. I know laundry needs to be done, as well as my hair and some gardening and definatly cleaning.

Wow...I just realized how pathetic I am. I hate having to do the adult thing.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

joseph's technicolor turncoat

Yeah so I was right. It was BRD yesterday. I think we did well, I mean...from what I saw we had everything on the checklist covered. The one thing I'm not so sure about though is my answer to one of the policy questions. I mispronounced the last name of our state's executive director. Hopefully we won't have points cut for that though...I really want to win this.

(I'm wayyy too competitive)

So I get home last night and Juan, a NYT reporter who I made the mistake of becoming friends with a while back, asked me to comment on the control EMILY's list had over Stender's race last cycle. I did, but only after getting his unequoivical assurance that everything I said would be off the record. And now I feel like the biggest weenie ever. I feel like I've committed fratricide or campaignfamilycide. But...what EMILY's list did just wasn't right and I feel it cost us a lot of early support. Let's just assume Juan is going to keep his word and leave everything off the record, then maybe...maybe some good will come out of it.

My sholder feels like...I dont even know. Bad. I thought it'd be fun to work on my handstands earlier and my Dad accidently opened the door right into my upside-down self. Whoops. Whatever...I'm young and completly unbreakable.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

french kiss the end of time goodbye, baby

So work day numero two was FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! I get in early and start working on the press release for Saturday's festivities and our exec. director walks in and starts reading over my sholder. He tells me after that he thinks I can write. Yeah I clearly can, in terms of media/public relations work, but just hearing from my higher-up really means a lot. And not to mention that during fundraising, we brought in $2900 which was TWICE our goal for the night. FUCK YES!!!

After, we all went out to celebrate and we get a call that Blue Ribbon Day is going to be sometime this week. Blue Ribbon Day is like this giant competition within all of the offices throughout the country. Basically what happens is that someone from the central headquarters down in DC comes up unanounced and quizzes everyone on staff about the orginization: rules, training policy, what causes we're focusing on...but also they ask general questions like how many members of Congress voted on a certain piece of legislation and such. There's no penality for not doing so great on Blue Ribbon Day...it's more for pride.

Which I don't even need to worry about though, cuz we're gonna win majourly.

I'm just kind of bummed though that Michael is still being really distant. Whatever. I'm finally starting to feel like I can be happy on my own and I think....I think I might just be ready to run with that for a while. See what happens. I don't know. Whatever. I think partially though, in the end, I just don't want to end up alone.

Monday, July 9, 2007

wooooooo!!!

Work wasn't that bad. From what I got today, everyone seems to be really smart and extremly fun. Which...is always really important. It was so great to just be around people my age, or rather intellectual people my age. We were just hanging out for a bit and someone brought up Russia's antidemocratic tendencies and the theory of multipolarity being the blood of an international system and I was like WOAH, finally people here who speak my language.

Iamsuchadork.

We have this pretty cool media event this Saturday that I'm excited for. To show the lack of open spaces left in NJ, we're going to pitch a tent on this little triangle of land in a major intersection and be like "when the developers are paving open spaces at a rate of 50 acres a day, soon this will be the only land left for recreational usage" or somthing of the sort.

Michael is being kind of a dick. Or rather, he's not being much of anything. Not even a phone call or text in two fucking days. I mean, if he's not into me or if somthing is bothering him or whatever, I'd much rather him say it flat out then ignore me. I really hope he still likes me though. Cuz I'm just about head over heals into him. It's pathetic...I know. But whatever. I just miss feeling like someone actually cares about me.

And also though...I know I need to stop being such a whore...at work, there's this guy who was majorly hitting on me earlier. Like to the point where one of the other girls, when he left the common area, pointed out that he's single. And he's cute, smart as bloody hell and a democrat. All good qualities.

I don't know. Whatever. I miss my puppy. I let my stepbrother take her to Maine with him for the week so she can run around or whatever on our land up there. But now I'm kind of regretting it. I miss having Zen around, as annoying as she occationally is. And my cats just aren't the same. =(

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Live Earth!!!

So lets just say it was the most bloody brilliant moment of my life. Bon Jovi was rediculous. Melissa Etheridge gave one of the most moving performances I have ever ever ever ever ever seen. The Police were rediculous, as always. Even Kanye West and Kelly Clarkson (who I usually wouldn't listen to even under the worst duress) gave a good show. Sigh. No words for the amazingness. Absolutly none.





New job as Field Director for Public Interest Research Fund starts tomorrow. I'm scared shitless. Last cycle, with Stender's race, I did some field work. But none to the point where I feel qualified to run a field office. I wonder...does everyone feel this underqualified the night before their first day of their first real job in their field? Probably. Oh well. Fake it till you make it, I guess. And it's totally times like these that I wish I was still on good terms with Nick. I mean, the guy is the best field operative in NJ and we used to be fucking tight. Not so much anymore. And he always knew what to say when a freakout was coming on...and what to tell me to make me realize that I might actually know what I'm doing.

Shit. I'm going in fucking blind.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

all that heaven will allow

I usually don't believe my horoscope verbatium...but this is too perfect not to share:

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Staying at home today might not be as relaxing as you think, for the day is filled with excitement no matter what you do. Instead of trying to withdraw from the action, engage it head on. By involving yourself voluntarily, you'll end up feeling more connected to everyone involved. And even if you try to detach yourself from what's going on, you'll still get pulled into the day's events, so why fight it?


I think, maybe even moreso, because today I'm going to be volunteering at Live Earth. My excitement is like woah. Better then Christmas, Hanakuah, my birthday, graduation and Election Day all in one. Pictures and a full wrapup of teh goings-on in the next few days.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

bright street

I went to my brother's therapist tonight. For family session or whatever. I lasted a whole five minutes before walking out. I just started shaking and I couldn't breathe and I just needed to run. If I had been anywhere else, there would be strawberry gashes up and down any piece of visable flesh. But no. Only because that would be prooving them right.

Anyways. His therapist is a dick. I walk out and he tries to challenge me, saying he knew I was over this the second I walked in. I have nothing to prove to him.

I don't think people need therapy...I think they need therapists. And for me, that's Mike (regardless of him treating me like a cumrag or not, he will always be there for me to bitch to), Tim, Zimmie and Becca. I know my issues, they know my issues and tell me what I already know to get past them. And give me drinks while we do this. I don't need to pay someone $300 an hour for that.

I'm moving in for good at my father's. Mainly because I found my mother going through my room again. At least I know, at my dad's, that he wont do that without me in the room. And if I'm going to be completly miserable this summer, regardless of where I live, I might as well be where I can smoke and not have anyone say crap about it.

I really can't wait till I'm back in Maryland. My summer classes are over and I miss school. I miss the challenge. I miss professors not allowing me to walk away...from anything. I miss my college people. Beccaboo and Tim especially. And the Ecstacy goddesses.

Oh...Drip is happening. Fall/Winter edition of Wasteland. Fuck yes.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

notorious

Shira is coming back from Prague next week. She pretty much is the one member of my family who I do not have any issue with. Actually wait...she's theonly one. She and I have the same issues about everything and it's so hilarious to see us together. We're the neurotic twins of the Upper West Side.

Last time she was back was more than year ago, for Phil and Kim's wedding where both of us got entirely too intoxicated. Kind of sucks that it went down like that. I guess the last time we had one of our talks though has to have been two or three years ago. There's so much crap that has happened...I don't even know where to begin with her. I sincerely hope she hasn't changed.

And Shira's the one who got me writing again. When I was 12, my father found my notebooks and burned them. I mean, it was no great loss to the literary community I assure you. But still. And so I didn't write or even consider it for a really long time. During which I was even more fucked up than I am right now. Yeah. Major fucking issues going on and I was in a really shitty place. Shira just grabbed me and bitched me out till I started writing again.

Best memory ever though with her was dropping x down the shore. We got so incredably vivid, as you tend to do when you roll, and ended up walking the length of LBI all night. Tip to tip...only about 10 miles. But absolutly hilarious.

Finally there is going to be another one of me back in the family. I'm done with being the fuckedup one.

Monday, July 2, 2007

do you like solitude

Michael hasn't bothered to call or text or anything over the past 36 hours. Which is weird. Because I can't stop thinking about him. And I thought we were a thing. I mean...it doesn't get much clearer then when someone says they aren't interested in anyone else but you. Whatever.

I need some pills. Which is presenting to be a much bigger problem then I thought. My dad is finally starting to catch on that I'm just a bit of a pillhead and actually asked me earlier if I wanted to see a psychiatrist to help me out. To which I told him to go fuck a camel and went outside for a cigarette. But now that he's suspicious, I can't be siphoning off his stash anymore nor can I carry and leave them in my bag unattended, for fear he might search. I know my whorebag mother went through my room at her place. The worst she would have found though are some Codine, some rum left over from a party (and by party, I mean me getting obliterated with the whores I tried to leave behind in high school) and maybe some pot. But nothing major.

And it's not like I don't have the cash. I pulled in a solid $200 in tips over the past two nights which isnt too bad for a Sunday/Monday happy hour. I just don't have the effort to go and search. To call up all of my old contacts would frankly be exhausting. They'd wonder why. Why now do I call them. And I'd have to fake care about their lives...who they're fucking, what they're writing, what resturants they've been to when all I really want is somthing. I'll really take anything. I don't care what it is...as long as I'm not straight I don't really care.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

"baby, just chill"

And it all will get better. I think this is why I need to be in a relationship. I need to have someone tell me that I am ok. No longer the damaged product of life gone awry. Michael is good at that. He can just sence when I need to be brought back down. Yeah. It pisses me off. But screw that. I'd rather be temporaraly giving up control to someone and being able to continue being somewhat content, if not happy, with them....than just purging myself of the moment entirely and losing it all...not just the stressors.

But yet, I do not trust him. Nor can I allow myself to. I know the instant my guard comes down, I am going to get hurt. It's just how these things happen for me. With us being so far apart, it only adds to my inability to stop second-guessing his intentions. I am never really going to know if I am just his Raggidy Ann doll for him to string along until he finds somthing better. Or needs me like I need him.

How pathetic am I? Honistly, I can't stand myself. I claim to do the autonomous thing quite nicely. And yet, here I am saying that I need Michael. I am never whole and frankly...I think what scares me the most is that I need someone to fill that void. Whatever it may be.

It just started getting windy here. It kind of reminds me of the Santa Anas. Magical winds, causing me to sprout wings and with a gust of warm, dancing air jump off the highest cliff and simply glide. Winds where anything can happen.

The window in my room is open and I can here the sporatic rustiling of the branches on my weeping willow. Each pass of the wind allows the leaves to whisper "breathe" "feel" "live" "accept", the very words I refuse to utter in fear of allowing them to consume me. My curtans fly forward with an air of almost hopeful escapism then as soon as it seems like they are going to finally break free, implode back and crash against the freshly painted white window moldings. The curtans, also white, are begging to be released from their manicly pure ties. All of the white, it seems too innocent...which we shall never be nor appear as such. Perhaps I shall buy new curtains in the morning.

Either that or repaint.