one step up

I fucked up and I'm probably going to get kicked out of college. My absolute lack of effort resulted in a D- in music. Not that I'm suprised, mind you. I know I probably wasn't going to get a B. But a D-. This is the first time ever that I have gotten below a C. Ever.

And they are probably going to kick me out. Which really sucks. And even if they don't...I don't see the point anymore. With this grade, grad school is completly out the window. Absolutely gone. There goes teaching. There goes working on the Hill. There goes any chance I had of escaping the life everyone expects me to have. All because I was too wrapped up in trying to feel...feel anything...to get my priorities in order enough to go to class and do my coursework. But there really is no point in lamenting my immence fuckups. Nobody wants mediocrity. It is simply unacceptable. I am unacceptable.

Worst of all though...I knew as soon as I saw the grade I was going to cut. It's like an immediate reaction for me...I see failure, I go numb, I need to feel, I grab a blade and let the magic begin. I've been trying to not though so I've been trying to make a better effort with my safety net. I texted one of them though right before I did. And then as soon as I put my cell down, I went to town. It's actually kind of ironic...as soon as I thought I was done...she texted me back asking why I keep putting myself in this position. And because I have no answer that is good enough...I continued.

It is hideous to feel like this. But I mean...at least I'm feeling somthing. I cannot stand being as numb as before. I think, for me at least, I'd rather feel broken and destroyed then nothing at all. As much as I ask to feel nothing...I don't want that. I wouldn't be able to deal with absolute nothingness. I'm not ready to give up yet.

It is times like these that I'm eternally thankful for vodka.