as it stands

Music happened. Whatever. There is no way I did well on that exam. But, it's done with and that is what really matters now, right?

I'm pretty convinced that around exam weeks at university, cigarette companies see a huge jump in profits. Walking around, taking some Lilith time earlier, almost everyone I saw was smoking. Not that I mind, I mean...I'm a smoker too and what right do I have to tell people to stop somthing I do pretty much constantly, but wow. Are we really that stressed out? I think, not only is it exam week but everyone is freaking out about going home. I saw one of my friends just crying earlier...she just couldn't take it anymore. To make it worse, it was amidst a pretty sizable group of people. While I feel for her, I just cant help but think about how fragile she presented herself to be.

I don't think I could ever do that. Although it may seem like I put myself out there, sharing some of the not so perfect and very personal details of my life (on here and in person), everything I do expose is done for a reason and I've thought about it prior to doing so. I'm very guarded. I think I have to be though. After having made the decision to trust some people with some pretty serious issues that I was dealing with, then seeing that trust thrown on the floor, stomped on and set on fire...I don't think I could do it again. I can't deal with putting myself in that position of vulnerability again.

I think that is also why I partially cannot stand people worrying about me. I know it just shows that they care or whatever but, I don't want people to think that I need to be someone that needs looking after. I've been dealing with these issues for a really long time now and I know how to stop the ache. Somewhat.

Except I'm never really stopping it. Just letting it become temporarally more numb for a while, so I can work on faking the well-adjusted thing just a little bit longer.

It's times like these I'm extremly greatful for the goddesses, vodka, cigarettes and blade. If anything...they help me get through the day.

One at a time.