swan drive

Home tomorrow. I am just a smidge aprehensive about home this time, almost moreso then normal. I think it's really different this time, as opposed to over Passover. I'm not going back for a week...I'm gonna be there for three months...with no escape till I buy my car. Shit. And so much has changed over the past year for me...I'm just kind of scared that if people (namely my family) can't deal with who I am right now, I'm either going to revert back into who I was before I came to school or there is going to be massive amounts of crap that I don't nessasarally want or need to deal with.

I don't know how to have a positive relationship with my parents. Like ok, earlier I had to ask my mother how the whole having people over thing works. How pathetic is that? I don't know if I'm supposed to ask or if I'm allowed to have (gasp) boys over but not in my room or in my room with the door open or if I'm allowed to drink in the house or if I can smoke on the porch or if I have to go onto the driveway...

I feel like I'm back in middle school.

I think one of my biggest fears though about living at home is that my parents are going to try to impose rules on me...like a curfew and such. I have no problem taking care of my dishes, doing my laundry, tidying up when needed, calling if I'm going to be out late, etc. You know, the normal expectations one has when living with other people. But I am going to have a huge problem if they don't let me live my life. I go out with my friends and occationally end up crashing elsewhere. I have friends over...boys and girls...in my room...with (another gasp) the door closed. I am almost twenty. And I do not think it is too much to ask for them to recognize that I am an adult and I am capable of making my own decisions as such.

I think it's going to be kind of fun redecorating at my father's though. They just redid the basement and said that could be my space when I'm home. Since it's painted in this neutral off-white, almost camel, I'm thinking of hanging really rich coloured fabric from the celing and sticking my futon down there just straight out with a ton of pillows and blankets...kind of Middle-Eastern I guess. At least he and my stepmom are somewhat making an effort. I guess you have to start somewhere.

Sunday is going to be a bitch. There is this organizing meeting for all of the NJ for Obama groups up in Newark that I'm not only going to but volunteering at. I'm really excited for this, if only to (hopefully) see some of my politcos. I haven't seen most of them since November and I'm really curious to see where everyone has ended up. I know one of my girlies is down working on an assembly race in South Jersey, a few of them transfered over to Linda's Assembly office and have that race coming up, Michael is down in DC with the Senator...but that doesn't nearly cover everybody.

And yes. I know it's going to become an issue with my family that I'm not jumping on the Hillary train. I'm ok with that. It doesn't matter to me that she is a woman or that my cousin is on her press team or that it'd mean another Clinton in the White House. Yeah, her policies are straight party line. She looks fantastic on paper. But there has to be more than that for me when I'm picking a candidate. I have to be excited about them. I have to trust them. There has to be somthing that draws me to them and I'm just not getting that from Hillary. It's really hard to describle. I knew with TJ (the '05 mayoral race I worked on) that he was my guy when, while working the Westfield Democrats booth at the fall street fair, he asked me what he was doing wrong and after hearing my completly unfiltered opinion, listened and told me I was staffing him from now on. Sure, TJ and I had a few serious fights but he knew that I knew what I was doing and eventually sucked it up and went with me. With Linda (this past cycle, the congressional race) it was totally different. I had been working there since January and by June, I was drained. I was showing up at the office every day, just going through the motions. We had this huge fundraiser planned with Paul Begala and he, being his extremely charasmatic self, got the crowd going. Then Linda started speaking and, although I know she didn't write the stump speech and had heard it delivered numerous times before, somthing about her delivery that night literally made me tear up. And every day thereafter it was so much easier to go to work. I finally knew what we were fighting for. Anyways, Hillary hasn't done that for me and I don't think she is going to. Of course I'll support her if she gets the nomination but there is somthing about Obama that makes me think he is going to be my candidate for '08 (provided Linda isn't rearing for a rematch cuz then I'm with her all the way).

Oh man...last night here. Last night writing while staring out my window at the oak tree and the shadows projected onto it by the nearby lamppost. Last night with tile floors. Last night with my friends no more than 50 yards away. Last night being able to walk around at 2am in a fully-lighted area and not be stopped by the cops. Damn. I'm gonna miss this place.

Oh well. I'll be back. Hopefully.