rapid hope loss

Now that I'm halfway through with exams, I think it just hit me that I'm leaving a week from today. Not only do I still have to clean out my room and pack up my things, but I have to say goodbye to everyone. I hate leaving.

Is it bad that I'm already starting to suffer withdrawal from some of my classes? Even though exam week is a bitch and a half, it's just spewing back what I've already learned. I miss the challenge of my classes, where (for the most part) I was forced not only to create opinions on new ideas but also justify them. The constant questioning...the relentless pressure to recall and build upon past knowledge and experiences...Socrates would be proud.

Even though I always stress about going home, I think at this point, I'm more worried about leaving everyone here. I've just started to sort though and somewhat come to terms with what's been going on in my life for the past almost 20 years and that is largely in part of the amazing people I have met here. I have never been around people so real...blatently refusing to back down, regardless of the cause or crap they get for doing so.

I don't feel like I'm ready to leave here. I have this overwhelming sence of finality looming over my head, threatening to drop and fully consume me. The last time I walk out of here for the year...the last time I have to hear the beeping of the back door alarm...the last time pumping gas for three months (yay Jersey job creation)...the last mad dash across 7th street at rush hour when I'm jonsing for Starbucks...the last time playing pool in Whitaker when I know I should be studying...the last time realizing half hour before class we have reading due...the last coffee, kissing, hand holding, theraputic, cigarette and ginormous bear hugs from my boys...the last time feeling that I might actually be capable of doing somthing right...it's just gonna be weird.

I miss it already...