life is a highway

Unfourtionally...even after spending one day at home and one night at work, I can tell that I am reverting into the same distructive person I was before college. I thought I had some way of staying out of it...erasing that chapter. But I guess I'm not strong enough.

Work was rediculous. I think I had forgotten what it's like to feel lusted after (even if it is by a bunch of shitfaced college guys). I get such a high from being on the bar, dancing and just doing my thing. But it feels so fake. I put on the tough but amazingly fun party girl facade at work and the customers believe it. I guess I'm just that good of an actress. And every time I do it, I want to throw up. I cannot stand the girl I become when I'm working. I dance, I flirt, I sell drinks. But it's more than that. I'm selling the illusion that these guys have a chance. The really horrible thing is that I sort of like the attention. I know though, as soon as I leave the bar...I become the chic those guys laugh at on the street. Not that I'd want to get with any of them to begin with, it'd just be nice to know that if I wanted to, I'd have the chance. It's the quintessential love hate relationship and it's probably going to destroy me...but at least being a Coyote pays the bills.

I miss Andrew...I haven't called him yet, mainly cuz I don't know if I can deal with seeing him. I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable rejection.

I don't lose gracefully. It doesn't work well.

The AMAZING literary Gods granted me an A in my AmLit survey course. Yay. Now I don't have to feel like a complete failure when my grade report comes in the mail. Oh wait...yes I do. Cuz ITS MY ONLY A FOR THE SEMESTER!!!!!!!! I am really stupid. Honistly the school probably is regretting ever admitting someone as incompitant as I have proven myself to be. Yeah I got an A in Lit but I also busted my ass for it. No...that's not fair. I think because I liked the class and I actually felt engaged in what I was supposed to be learning that I ended up putting a lot of effort into my work. Whereas in either of my PoliSci classes, the main reason I think I tried as hard as I did (and still ended up sucking) was because I was trying to not only make the professor notice me but also outdo this pretentious jerk who I used to be friends with. I don't know. It's completly irrelivent though. Regardless of the reasoning for my success or lack there of in any course, I still need to do really well next semester. The being mediocre thing isn't so much fun. Plus, I didn't do so hot on my newswriting class and ended up with a C...thus further bringing down my GPA. I'm not sure if it can fall any further and I've still yet to get my grade in music. I know I completely bombed the class. I guess....I don't know. I was so scattered and careless the entire semester. If I end up getting kicked out, I really only have myself to blame.

Zen, my puppy, is growing up! She has gotten so big since I was home last. Anyone who knows me well enough will tell you that I'm not usually an animal person, but I can be swayed by a few adorable smushed puppy faces and wagging tails. If anything, at least she won't hate me if I turn into the biggest hypocrite there is.

Whatever.