tougher than the rest

I'm really over being here, living in my mother's house. Her sence of entitlement is disgusting and I feel like my mere presence is a bother to her. Trying to be polite earlier, I asked about her plans for the long weekend and she rattled off a list of parties and such...mostly contrived in an attempt to make me jelous, I'm guessing. Yeah. Sorry if Memorial Day weekend is one of the biggest weekends of the summer at Coyote--especially with Fleet Week and I'd rather make enough money in one weekend to cover the cost of books for next semester than fake Sally Sorority for everyone down here who I really dont know or care about.

Her attitudue is really frusturating though. I know we don't have anything that could even be percieved as a good relationship but at least I'm being proactive in trying to make amends with her. On paper, if you see all of the garbage she has put (and continues to put) me through...I shouldn't even be making the effort. But I am. I realize that I'm far from the perfect daughter but she hasn't been the perfect mother either. Over the past five or six years, I've made steps towards getting my act together. Yeah, as with everything else, for every step in the right direction, there's a few giant steps backwards. But now, I'm working on limiting the slides back. Being here, it has forced me right back into all of the situations that I tried to break free from.

I think I may have found another trigger but I feel pretty horrible about blaming everything on mother's influences. There is the element of personal responsibility for my actions that is lacking when I do that.

And I don't really want her to be the mother she wasn't. I'm almost 20. I think I have the adult, taking care of myself thing down now. I just want her to trust me. I want her to know that despite all of the crap I went through, I'm going to be ok. But also, I want her to be there if I need her...to be able to bounce ideas off of or whatever you're supposed to do with your mother. It's actually kind of pathetic how I don't know what a functioning mother/daughter relationship is supposed to be like.

But then...nothing about my life is anywhere near normal or functional. Whoops. At least I keep things entertaining.