r-evolve

I think it just hit me that I'm going to be leaving all of my friends here next week. This is the first place, other than with Chandi and Sonja, that I have ever felt like I have friends. I can (somewhat) let my guard down here...and that's HUGE for me. I can be chill and just throw a frisbee around on the quad with them and an hour later, be laying on the grass, working through some deep things with them. Some of my most profound thoughts are products of those conversations. Like when I realized that I was worth fighting for, or that I might actually be capible of making my own decisions about my life.

Or when, while looking through pictures of everyone I used to party with, I realized more than half of them are either in jail, dead or mental institutions.

(I should be one of them)

Just as soon as I've begun to feel like I am making a place for myself here, a place where I can be ok...it's no longer. I'm on my way back to Hell.

And I'm going to be working at Coyote which really worries me. I wasn't the healthiest person (in any sence of the word) before going to work there in January...but I was somewhat recovering. And as soon as I got up on the bar, for the first time..all of the hard work I had put in to becoming whole again was gone. I mean, I absolutly adore the girls I work with, but it's some of the most degrating work ever. Not only are we selling drinks, we're selling sex appeal. It's intense. Your paycheck is directly dependant on how many drinks you sell and how well you get tipped so of course there is going to be a preoccupation with your appearance. Meaning...we'll do everything to revert back to the goddesses. And its so much harder not to fall under their spell when not only are you drawn in by the sheer magnatism of the idea of joining them, but also you dont want to be the only one not in the club.

It's so hypocritical. I mean, I'm trying to get a job at a leadership camp for girls, while moonlighting at Coyote where we're told to leave our self-respect at the door.

I do that. But maybe it's easier for me...cuz I'd have to have some in the first place if I was going to get rid of it now, wouldn't I?