fifteen seconds

One year ago today, I tried to kill myself. And now, I am ALIVE. Breathing, bleeding, performing all of the normal bodily functions. Still confused and slipping as ever, but I think I finally am going to be ok.

Tomorrow I'm doing an interview for a major news network and I'm scared shitless. I haven't done an interview like this in such a long time and I need this to go well. I need to get back into the mentality of a fighter, a writer, the next best damn communications rep on the East Coast.

I'm too distracted, though. It's Hanakuah. I miss my family. I miss my cousins. I feel like the ugly duckling, never included or whatever. As pathetic as it is to say, I miss my mommy. I haven't seen her in a week or two and I miss her hugs and staunch analysis of my life, no matter how much it may hurt. I miss my grandma. She's dead. There's not much I can do about that one. I want to go visit her grave though, maybe when the ice melts. I haven't been back there since freshman year of college, Thanksgiving I think it was. I miss my friends. I have no friends up in Jersey.. or only like three. And with the new consulting gig, plus toy Hell, I haven't been able to head down to DC or even into the city to see anyone. I'm going a little stir crazy. Fuck that, I'm crazy.

21 soon. 21 and free. GONE. I can't wait...

oh sweet child of mine

Bean and Kaylin did it so I guess I have to hop on the bandwagon.

A
- Available: I guess that's what one calls it when they happen to be single.

- Age: 21 on 2 January!!!

- Annoyance: Not being taken seriously. Imperfection.

- Animal: White tigers.


B
- Beer: Yuengling. Or Newcastle.

- Birthday: 2 January 1988.

- Best Friend: Luke. And I guess B, when he's not being a dunce.

- Best feeling in the world: The morning of Election Day, right before the polls open. Or later that evening, watching the returns come in, either way... it's what I live for.

- Blind or Deaf: Deaf. As a writer, I think it'd kill me if I couldn't read my own work.

- Best weather: Slightly cloudy with a chance of rain.

- Been in Love: No comment.

- Been on stage?: I did theatre camp for 12 years.

- Believe in Santa: No. Being a big ole Jew, we tend to shy away from old dudes in old velvet suits.


C
- Candy: Tropical Skittles. Yessss.

- Color: Dark gray. And violet.

- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate

- Cake or pie: I'm not fond of either, actually.

- Continent to visit: Africa has to be pretty sweet, I'm guessing.

- Cheese: OMGSH cheese has to be my most favorite food ever. Ever ever.


D
- Day or Night: Just before dusk.

- Dance in the rain: Always.


E
- Eyes: Dark brown, almost black.

- Everyone's got a: secret to share.

- Ever failed a class?: No. But I got straight Ds through Maths in middle/high school.


F
- Full name: {redacted}

- First thoughts waking up: Oy vey.

- Food: Uni sashimi with a ginger miso emulsion.


G
- Greatest Fear: failing. I know it's cliche, but it's true. Oh, that and being forgotten.

- Goals: 1)graduate by this time next year, 2)have my own apartment in the East Village, 3)publish SOMETHING...ANYTHING... by my 22nd birthday, 4)write something so mindblowingly amazing, it's known around the world as one of the most thought provoking pieces, ever.

- Gum: I don't really chew gum.

- Get along with your parents?: Negatory, batman.

- Good luck charm: Play bracelet.

H
- Hair Color: Brown, soon to be dark brown.

- Height: short. 5'5" maybe?

- Happy: Happiness is a state of mind, not a state of being.

- Holiday: Passover for the tradition, Yom Kippur because Kol Nidre is beautiful.

I
- Ice Cream: Wine sherbert from Whole Foods, please.

- Instrument: Piano.


J
- Jewelry: Peace sign ring that was Chandi's.

- Job: Toystore. For now.


K
- Kids: Fun unless I have to keep them.

- Kickboxing or karate: Kickboxing is amazing for your ass.


L
- Longest Car Ride: Nj to NC.

- Love: It's the only thing to believe in.

- Letter: Q. It seems kind of lonley up there at the top of the keyboard.

- Laughed so hard you cried: Always. Laughing is fun times, son.

M
- Milk flavor: Soy.

- Movies: ANything Tim Burton or Kubrick.

- Motion sickness? Never. Thank God.

- McD’s or BK: Neither. That's grossness.


N
- Number of Siblings: One Brother, one stepbrother.

- Number of Piercings: Seven. Five in each ear, tongue, industrial.

- Number: 538.


O
- One wish: Go back to 2 November 2006.

P
- Perfect Pizza: White on a whole wheat crust with fresh basil.

- Pepsi/Coke: Diet Coke.


Q
- Quail: Like Quailman from Doug? He was funny, with his undies outside his shorts and a belt on his head.


R
- Reason to cry: Nothing is worth the tears right now.

- Radio Station: NPR.

- Ring size: 6, I think.


S
- Song: Wow. I can't choose. Let's roll with "Cath" from Deathcab for right now.

- Salad Dressing: Just a little lemon juice on the side, please.

- Sushi: Toro or uni if it's super fresh.

- Skipped school: been there, done that.

- Slept outside: All the time when it's not cold.

- Shower daily?: Twice a day.

- Sing well? No, but that doesn't stop me.

- In the shower?: Yes, till I start swallowing soapy water.

- Swear?: Yes. I cuss. Fuck.

- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries!!


T
- Time for bed: After midnight, before One unless I'm out.

- Thunderstorms: Best weather ever.


U
- Unpredictable: Shock 'em like only the best can.


V
- Vacation spot: Jersey shore. I know it's cheesy, but I have a strange love for LBI.


W
- Weakness: Piercing eyes, Democrat, musical, animal lover, cynical, witty, has values and stands up for them, as smart if not smarter than me.

- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Christine.

- Worst feeling?: Knowing, regardless of anything you could have done, he will never be yours.

- Wanted to be a model?: Absolutely.

- Where do we go when we die?: In the ground to rot. FUCK THAT. I want a party, with the most badass of playlists and my ashes shot out of fireworks, like Thompson.


X
X-Rays: All over, to the point where I should be glowing.


Y
-Year it is now: 2008.

-Yellow: lemon.

Z
- Zoo animal: Snakes.

skin and bones on prom night

Right now I'm sitting on my well-worn sofa, drinking a glass of ice water with fresh lemon, with one of my kitties swaddled between the cushions to my left. I'm watching the hideous film, Black Snake Moan, solely because Christina Ricci in it looks perfectly emaciated. Every rib, outlined expertly and showing the sharpest of constrasts to her babyface. She is eveverything that I want to be and will never be.

Fuck.

Oh. Ps. Bea died.

ad vitam paramus

Art is a fickle thing.

Constantly evolving, an effervescent accruement of flesh and bone casually tossed among veins pulsating with every single twitch, we are nothing more than the original instillation art piece.

Our venue: the chair I now sit in, the bed on which we made love, the now-dying grass flattened between your wandering toes, the grotesquely unappealing aisles of the corner market marred by sole marks.

It is (we are?) everywhere. It is (we are?) nowhere.

The ultimate ashes-to-ashes; Alice sees the project and begins amalgamating herself to be the person SHE wants to be known as after death. Alice gives up everything she is for her contribution, if you will, to the work. But, by altering even one aspect of the predicated norm, she throws the whole piece off. Alice, instead of her normal quad-shot skim latte from the new swank coffee shop across town decides to make her own coffee this morning. Tom, her barista, doesn't get to finally spill his profound disgust to Alice-after having seen her weathered lips all over another man's dick at a film last weekend. And so on...

It is far too cliche to say our actions are interconnected, as is the contrite golden-rule.

I say, fuck 'em all. It's not supposed to be perfect.

hear me out

I don't know how long this post will be. See, I just took a sleeping pill for the first time in a while. I needed something to help me unwind, relax, pass out. And this was the way to go. As I type this, I feel my eyelids getting heavier and the weight of the day lifting off my bare shoulders. I miss sleep. I cherish it, the replenishment.

new commandments

- Worship the Goddesses wholeheartedly. If you fuck up, they WILL leave you.

- You've made your decision. If you stop, the pain will be forever.

- Emotion is against the rules.

-Perfection is the only thing left to believe in, the only thing left to obtain.

-Hate the present, love the future.

-There's always more to be done.

-Perfection is the only freedom left.

-Believe in control. It's the only force powerful enough to bring order to this chaos.

-QMNMD. Forever.

-Do not listen to anyone but the Goddesses. Everyone else is trying to destroy you.

-It's worth whatever it takes.

-Trust Polly, she had it right.


(IfuckingloveyouPollyandmissyousoGoddamnedmuch)
(ThnxforleavingmeherePollyIdontknowhowtolivewithoutAnaandMiaandmycoach)
(YoucouldhavetoldmePollyIwouldhavegonewithyouinaheartbeat)

Angels, press on.

love of mine, some day you will die

I'm not immortal. As much as I'd like to be, I will die. We all will. My death is your death is the death of our barista is the death of your attorney is the death of your teacher is the death of your lover is the death of us all. We are all dying, constantly. And there is nothing we can do about it. We solely live in order to die.

Mad, no?

My stepmother's grandmother is dying. Bea. She's in the hospital and has been since Saturday morning. On a vent and unable to come off, she is heavily sedated. Oh, and she's 99. I don't understand. She has gone from fairly coherent and mobile to lying in a hospital bed, unaware. It's sad. But, she is so old. She's lived through both World Wars and Vietnam, the advent of the automobile as well as electricity and telephones, voting rights for women and people of color. She is a primary source to the history books. That's mind-blowing.

Of course we're all hoping Bea will get better, but it really is the beginning of the end. If she makes it out of this, she will need a nursing home, of 24/7 home care. Plus, she has a DNR.

The stepmother doesn't quite know how to deal with this. It's not as if she was close to Bea, but it is her grandmother. I hate to say that I'm good with this dying thing, but I am. I've been through it times and times before with my grandparents. I know how to negotiate the system and when to say stop. Yet, I'm not allowed to go to the hospital with the stepmom. Because I'm not blood, I'm not going to be an affective advocate for Bea. Whatever. That's ridiculous.

I know when she dies, I'm not going to cry. Or maybe I am. I actually don't know and don't know why I just said that I know that I would not. I cried at my grandmother's funeral. Like an infant. I was inconsolable. I thought I was going to be ok... just sniffling through the ceremony but as we left the funeral home, I lost it. My cousin's boyfriend had to calm me down, it was kind of embarrassing. I was young then, though. 15, maybe 16. Not as cynical, jaded, dark and twisty.

Christmas won't be the same though, without Bea.

the weight of the world is love

I love that Ginsburg quote. Maybe the oversexed drug addict had something going for him... Such a profound statement "the weight of the world is love", with such a simple meaning. The world is carried by the most complex and in the same, simple, idea of love. If I had a soul, I may even think of that as a beautiful idea. But I don't. Whoops.

I love. I have love. There is a difference. A strong one. Love, in my mind is for more serious things... relationships, the Goddesses, my candidates, the few people I let get close to me. Whereas, I have love for much more; family, West Wing, wine, a good book, a great fuck. And it is the quiet dance between the two loves that make the world work.

As a little girl, I couldn't wait to fall in love. And now that I have, and have gotten hurt, I do not want to go back. I fell hard and I'm still working on picking up the pieces. And while I'm working on that, I can't wait to fall again.

Looking for love in all the wrong places doesn't even begin to describe the process, though. I don't even know what I'm looking for. I know. Pathetic. I want to be loved so badly I put myself through so many bad dates, on which I spend the entire time convincing myself that it's not as bad as it seems (when really it's much worse...). I sleep with married men to feel loved. Needed. Desired. Then try to convince them of my need for them in my life. Forever. Love will not come from that, I know. But on the off chance that it does, I'm willing to try anything.

I need my world to bring me back down.

undeniable

I messed up. B, I am sorry. I fell for you. I know I wasn't supposed to get attached. But I did. Tonight was supposed to be perfect... video games and booze. Except little miss bulimia here didn't not purge today. Yup. I had soup and purged around lunch. And that was what I wanted to tell you all day, B. That's what made my day horrendous. It wasn't the boss yelling at me. It wasn't having spawn bite me. It was failing.

Yet another nail in the coffin of goals and such. I'm probably not going back to school next semester, B. Too damn scared.

I AM SCARED OF EVERYTHING. EVEN BREATHING. IT IS GOING TO STOP ONE DAY AND I DO NOT KNOW IF I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.

I need this to not be happening. I am extremely unhappy. I am extreme.y on the brink. After tonight, for the first time in a long time, I am scared for myself. Not to the point where I should check myself in.... but pretty close. I know what I need. It's CJH. It's P. It's Michael. It's Maceo. But of those four things.... I can have exactly zero.

(Screw drowning, I'm capsizing....)

B, I'm sorry for dragging you into this. Whenever you want out, just say the word. You don't need a reason, I'll understand.

another sunny day in hell

I am not quite. Not quite anything, actually. Blurring the fine line between sanity and not, with just enough disdain for both options to continue toeing the line.

And I want to leave. Head far, far away and begin anew. Except that I tried that once and it did not work out so well.

I don't know what I am doing.

what i see

Secrets, secrets are no fun. They just are not. And it is with that in mind, I spill...

-I am withholding. B, I know I told you that I am not. I lied. Sorry. I'm not going to tell you everything outright. That would leave nothing to be discovered. Just ask. Be specific. I'll disclose.
-I love drugs. Always have, always will. But that does not mean I will always abuse them.
-2398439752 times a day I think about purging.
-I truly believe that I am the next great American author.
-I'm scared. Of everything.
-I haven't been to the doctor since my physical before college.
-I still sleep with a stuffed animal. Or three.
-Bipolar, I'm not. But I am manic. Very.
-I never learned how to properly spell.
-Same goes for math.
-I don't know how many people I've slept with. I stopped counting after high school.
-I've never used needle drugs. Only because track marks are kind of cliche.
-I belong on Height-Ashbury circa 1960. I think I'd work well there, no?
-I still listen to the Spice Girls.
-My favorite color combination is plum with dark grey and muted turquoise.
-I broke a mirror in 9th grade.
-My luck didn't change.
-No candidate I have worked for has won. Ever.
-I dislike most people.
-I quit riding because I was afraid of being anything less than the best.
-I think I would have gotten along really well with the Beats.
-If you don't read, you can't be my friend.
-I hate my cousin and stepmom for having taken the two careers I wanted (communications consultant, photographer).
-I left Hood because I couldn't deal with living in the country anymore.
-High school was Hell for me.
-Actually... all school was.
-I don't want to finish my degree.. but I know I have to.
-People I date have a bad habit of trying to fix me.
-I'm still in love with Michael. But it's ok. I'm not going to marry him.
-I love running. Take that as you will.
-I can't sleep. Ever.
-Thinspo gets me through the day.
-I ran away in high school.
-Morbidly obese people scare the living Hell out of me.
-I want to fuck the living daylights out of David Duchovny.
-I think Tim Burton is a genius.
-I'm immune to violence.
-"Full Metal Jacket" didn't bother me. At all.
-P makes me feel more relevant than you ever could.
-J just makes me feel sexy.
-I can't parallel park.
-I have no idea why, but I don't feel bad.
-CJH saved my life. Bitch.
-I made out with my swim coach in middle school.
-99.9% of my scars were my own doing.
-I'm falling for you.
-I love grunge rock.
-I want to be the intelligent Courtney Love.
-Bleached out hair and all.
-I love getting inked.
-I wrote a novella in high school.
-I'm too scared of rejection to actually submit anything I write except to bullshit publications.
-I'm friends with a publisher at S&S and plan to use his friendship solely for connections.
-I don't feel at home anywhere.
-I've never been fishing.
-You keep me going. And that's amazing.

That's all. For now.