undeniable

I messed up. B, I am sorry. I fell for you. I know I wasn't supposed to get attached. But I did. Tonight was supposed to be perfect... video games and booze. Except little miss bulimia here didn't not purge today. Yup. I had soup and purged around lunch. And that was what I wanted to tell you all day, B. That's what made my day horrendous. It wasn't the boss yelling at me. It wasn't having spawn bite me. It was failing.

Yet another nail in the coffin of goals and such. I'm probably not going back to school next semester, B. Too damn scared.

I AM SCARED OF EVERYTHING. EVEN BREATHING. IT IS GOING TO STOP ONE DAY AND I DO NOT KNOW IF I CAN DEAL WITH THAT.

I need this to not be happening. I am extremely unhappy. I am extreme.y on the brink. After tonight, for the first time in a long time, I am scared for myself. Not to the point where I should check myself in.... but pretty close. I know what I need. It's CJH. It's P. It's Michael. It's Maceo. But of those four things.... I can have exactly zero.

(Screw drowning, I'm capsizing....)

B, I'm sorry for dragging you into this. Whenever you want out, just say the word. You don't need a reason, I'll understand.