love of mine, some day you will die

I'm not immortal. As much as I'd like to be, I will die. We all will. My death is your death is the death of our barista is the death of your attorney is the death of your teacher is the death of your lover is the death of us all. We are all dying, constantly. And there is nothing we can do about it. We solely live in order to die.

Mad, no?

My stepmother's grandmother is dying. Bea. She's in the hospital and has been since Saturday morning. On a vent and unable to come off, she is heavily sedated. Oh, and she's 99. I don't understand. She has gone from fairly coherent and mobile to lying in a hospital bed, unaware. It's sad. But, she is so old. She's lived through both World Wars and Vietnam, the advent of the automobile as well as electricity and telephones, voting rights for women and people of color. She is a primary source to the history books. That's mind-blowing.

Of course we're all hoping Bea will get better, but it really is the beginning of the end. If she makes it out of this, she will need a nursing home, of 24/7 home care. Plus, she has a DNR.

The stepmother doesn't quite know how to deal with this. It's not as if she was close to Bea, but it is her grandmother. I hate to say that I'm good with this dying thing, but I am. I've been through it times and times before with my grandparents. I know how to negotiate the system and when to say stop. Yet, I'm not allowed to go to the hospital with the stepmom. Because I'm not blood, I'm not going to be an affective advocate for Bea. Whatever. That's ridiculous.

I know when she dies, I'm not going to cry. Or maybe I am. I actually don't know and don't know why I just said that I know that I would not. I cried at my grandmother's funeral. Like an infant. I was inconsolable. I thought I was going to be ok... just sniffling through the ceremony but as we left the funeral home, I lost it. My cousin's boyfriend had to calm me down, it was kind of embarrassing. I was young then, though. 15, maybe 16. Not as cynical, jaded, dark and twisty.

Christmas won't be the same though, without Bea.