Do you want to hear something funny? Well, here goes. I fully recognize my situation...the situation that I have created for myself...but I still continue to do what I do.
In the two weeks that I've been back at school, I have only been sober one night. I haven't had a fun night of drinking since I've been here, but that's yet to stop me. I keep telling myself, if I only get plastered one more night, then maybe I'll have fun. The law of averages, you know? In my mind, at least one of these nights has to end up in fun, not me rushing off to the stairwell to cut myself or passing out on my bed.
Yesterday I dropped acid for the first time too. It was beautiful. You know how Kurt Vonnegut says (or said now, seeing as he's quite dead but probably not rotted beyond recognition...yet) "everything was beautiful and nothing hurt"? That is exactly how I felt. I was happy and giggily and funny...and for the four or five hour peak, I almost liked who I am. Almost. And coming down wasn't that bad either. I felt reallyreallyreally smart. And extremely sensory. I don't know if that's the right word...sensory...but every single sense was epically magnified. And, probably the most pathetic thing of all, is that the acid made me feel skinny.
I also determined...either yesterday or the day before...that I don't really like Rob. I'm only really with him till I can find someone better. It's mean, I know, but it's true. I have no emotional attachment to him. Which is, when I think about it, really weird because it doesn't take much for me to become emotionally attached. I basically become attached to anyone who shows me attention.
I know that I want to marry Michael. Florida Michael. Army Michael. The Michael who has never doubted me nor used me nor judged me. I think Michael and I would be good together. He's stable, I mean... sure, he's a bit reckless. But not like me reckless...good reckless. I think you have to be a little bit to serve in the Army then work as a firefighter. He calls me beautiful...and I am such a sucker for that. I really love Michael, on a multifaceted level. His intelligence, his body, his eyes. The way we can talk for hours about absolutely nothing. How he'll text message me randomly during the day with the most cutesy things. The way he wont give up on me.
I know I push people away. I should probably stop that. I should probably stop being such a bitch too. I mean...ok...here's the deal...I want to change.
I'm just too scared.
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2 comments:
I want to change...those are your words.Stick to them.Seek help, you can 't do this all by yourself. Get counselling, therapy, support group whatever. But kick all thsse things which are hindering you from living a free life. Don 't be a slave to substance abuse, negativity and hopelessness.you can do better than this.
Now go and do it.
Negative things will suck the life out of you and you will be left out in the cold Lilith.
I've gotta agree with amrita...it'll be hard, but if you want it bad enough, it's just within your grasp.
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