catastrophe waitress

My friend thought this might be a good exercise... since I'm working on the whole figuring myself out thing. Anyway, allez.

((what I can say with some confidence I am))
female
20
a perpetual student
somewhat literate
liberal
searching
intense
fairly extroverted
viciously jealous
cynical as all bloody hell
hopelessly romantic
vain
a holder of grudges
loud
bad at all things relating to science and math
fluent in French, Hebrew and Russian
a decent writer
extremely afraid of being alone
petty
questioning everything that I once saw as the absolute truth
not in control but not out of control
tragically commonplace

((what I can say with some confidence that I am not))
in love with you
in love at all
forgetful
late
pregnant
selfless
immature
complacent with things as they are
a victim
going to back down
closed-minded
dwelling on your mistake
confident about anything, academia-related or otherwise
as messed up as I'd like to think I am
wasting time worrying about you

Yup. I think that's it.

and sophie's trying

but the thing is.... she just cant keep trying. she's done.
FUCKING DONE.

OREO

Oreos are delicious. I just had one for the first time in a really long time. And it made me pretty damn happy.

I've been having a weird day today. Michael redeployed earlier and I wasn't there. That really bums me out. Even though he puts me so much unnecessary bullshit, I'm always going to love him. It also really sucks because this is his third tour... they say you don't come back from the third one. All I'm saying, is that he better come back. I can't do this without him. Or... I mean I could, in theory do it. But I don't want to.

Lit class today just didn't happen. I wasn't feeling it. I needed to sleep, but of course, didn't. I ended up staying in campus commons working on a paper. If I was there, I would have been so unproductive and blah... it was probably better that I skipped. It was the first one I'd skipped in a while too.

Jersey this weekend is gonna suck. I have so much to do... I'm hoping that I can get it all taken care of Saturday morning then chill with friends Saturday night. Maybe. Hopefully.

I really want a cigarette...

a plane scraped it's belly on a sooted yellow moon

I don't even care anymore.

This time in the semester sucks. I'm just so done with it. I know I'm not appreciating my time here but whatever. I'm just over it. I want to be able to just wake up and run all day and not have to think about anything. Ever.

It was really nice out for a few days. And now it's not. This really bums me out cuz I was just starting to get tan (without laying in a tanning bed every freaking day) and I want to be dark before I go home Friday... Vain, I know.

I'm really frustrated with myself right now. My knee is fine. I mean, it's not fine but it's ok to run on. I'm not going to let the pain stop me. Except for freaking today. I don't know what's up because I ran only 5k this morning then this afternoon I went to the gym. I was only on the elliptical for an hour but I feel like I cant move my legs now. That's complete bullcrap. I should be able to run a lot more than what I did today, no problem. I'm basically crawling out of my skin, not having done the norm.

Actually, thats a lie. I've been extremely manic all day. After my run, I spend like an hour just organizing and reorganizing everything because it just didn't look right. And then I went to my friend's softball game and the second I got there, I felt so ick. I just feel like a bloody heifer everywhere I go. I know I'm not as gross as I see myself but I'm still not good enough. And that scares the crap out of me. I'm doing everything right. Freaking Ana and Mia have completely left me since TS got sent to in-patient. I think, because it was a competition of sorts between us... who could be the least crazy but still insane... I have no reason not to be completely reckless. I just want this so bad. I cringe every time I walk by and see the imperfection I've become. Maybe I'm not even a child of the goddesses anymore. I mean, I feel like that have abandoned me because I wasn't following them for the longest time. And now, I'd do anything to have them will me.

I need to get out of here...

here we go again...

My brother is going to jail. I don't care. He put himself there. Moron. Seriously... I have no sympathy for people like him.

It's almost the end of the semester. I'm basically over it. I don't want to leave Hood. A lot of my friends are graduating and I just realized how weird it's going to be without them here next year. And I'm not even going to be around campus much next semester because I got my apartment on Market St. So when I'm not in class, I'm going to be working or at home or not at Hood. Honestly, I'm kind of scared. This is going to be the first time I'll be living all on my own, no roommates or anything. It should be a good learning experience, if anything.

I'm going back to NJ in a couple of weeks to see everyone. I don't even know why I bother. I never actually WANT to go, but do so out of sheer guilt. And maybe to show off a little. I mean, I'm the one who's doing it all on their own: college, jobs, bills, life. And I'm not doing too bad. Sure, I slip up and party once and a while, but find me a 20 year old who DOESNT party and I'll be impressed. I'm not perfect, but I sort of maybe kind of have things under control. I'm working, everything is paid for (tuition, car, rent for the summer and next year, random assortment of bills), I'm not doing too badly in any of my classes (except for a C in biology...) and I'm not preggers. That's more than I can say for a lot of people my age.

I really really want it to be warm already. It's mid-April and I'm still leaving my room with a jacket or hoodie most days. No bueno!!! I want to be able to break out my warm-weather clothes. Hopefully it'll be warm this weekend though... I really just want to run all day Saturday. Maybe go up to the woods and hike/run.

I don't know what's going on with my knee. It's fine to run on, but my doctors keep telling me not to. But it doesn't hurt. I don't know. It'll probably start bothering me once I slow down and let it.

But like that's ever going to happen.

same blood

And I'm done with them. I'm tired of chasing. If they want to make a move, then let them. I will be right here. I can't promise that I'll still be interested or willing or even in the market. But, I will be here. The ball is in their court now because I'm just too tired to keep trying to make something out of what quite possibly was nothing.

The situation sucks, yes. I still like them. If they were to act on their previous feelings (I'm only saying previous because as of late, I have no indication if they are interested anymore), I'd probably go for it.

But if they didn't... it's ok. It's whatever. I just want to know.

on your way

I have had the weirdest 24 hours.
Last night, J and I were just going to talk.
Talking turned into Starbucks for an hour.
Starbucks turned into me going back to the apartment with her.
Me chilling and doing homework at the apartment turned into us getting 40s and drinking.
Us drinking turned into us deciding to wreck havoc on campus at 230am.
Wrecking havoc turned into us driving down to DC to see the monuments in the middle of the night/sunrise.

So yeah. That was my night. And then J and I realized this was the first time she and I actually chilled. Ever. Which is really weird considering we'd been friends for almost two years. Anyway... I still can't believe we did that.

For the record... I was not that drunk and neither was she (when she was driving). Ans it was the most fun I've had in a really long time.

I can't believe the semester is almost over. Seriously. I'm not ready to be a junior in college. I'm not ready for my friends to graduate. I'm not ready to be the one freshies look up to. I should not be the example of what you want to be in college.

I don't sleep.
I rarely eat.
I drink way too much caffeine.
I don't go out of my way to have people like me.
I bullshit work that's not for my majors.
I hang with sketchy people.

Yeah... I'm sorry I'm not little Miss Suzy Involved in Student Government. That's just not my thing. At all.

But overall... actually... I don't think I am unhappy with where I am in life. I think it's just hard trying to break through and figure out what I want to do with my time here as opposed to doing what I've been told I should do since day one.

But that's just part of growing up now...
AND THERE'S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!!!!