love is not a victory march

I am on the brink. Of what, I do not know. All I know is that I am there and I do not like it even in the slightest.

Danger, Will Robinson. I cannot stop moving. For the mere seconds I stop shaking, my mind is racing... so there really is no point in even attempting to stop.

This is not healthy.

I am completely sober and I feel like I have done a bad speedball. I hate speedballs to begin with. There is no reason, in my mind, to mix blow and speed. For me, whenever I had done one, I would have panic attacks not even an overdose on Xanax could quell. And I am not in a panic right now. But it could very easily become that. Just one thing could set me off and then BAM!

I am not healthy.
This is not right.
I should not be feeling this way.

This was my first Thanksgiving where I did not purge anything. I want to just shove my fingers down my throat and do it, but now there is no point. And, I do not really want to. If I did, it would be out of sheer habit.

By all accounts, I should be having a great evening. I had a fairly good day, baking with Lesley then doing the Thanksgiving thing; after which I watched movies and talked with B. But I am not.

I do not think it is the B situation. He is not a situation. I should not say that. But I am going to, for lack of better terminology. I know he is going to read this and I do not care. [B, if you are reading this right now, feel free to ask me about it later. I am an open book with you, punk]. He is good for me. He is nice, genuinely so. For some reason, I can trust him. I do not do not do not do not do not trust people. Ever. And he could fuck me over in a heartbeat. But I do not care. Maybe I am being reckless in taking down the wall with him. I probably am. B could be a psycho who is using me, just as I use everyone else. But I truly do not think he is. And if he is, he is better at it than me, so Mazel Tov. I am not good at talking to people. And I can talk to him. About everything. We have at least touched on some of the big ones: blowsmurfy, Patrick, my (hopefully, and I really do mean hopefully) former propensity towards attempting to out myself. And he is still here. This has never EVER happened before. I am a little thrown by it. This is so new for me. I feel like I am taking a major risk in doing this but B and I have only known each other for a month and we are close. Legitimately so. And we have fun hanging out, which I think is important. It is not always the serious stuff... Prime example: earlier on the phone, we were talking about Mumbai how atrocious it is that humanity still permits said acts to occur and I somehow jumped to Rubber Duckies (like for the bath). And it just made sense. He permits this... I do not know why. But it makes me happy and stuff. And last evening, just hanging out with him. We watched this great film that I had never seen and then just talked. And it was kind of perfect... I kept catching myself thinking "so this is what normal people do in the evenings... cool" and I am serious about it. I am being normal. And that is a little scary for me.

I am very discontent. I am holding my breath then gasping. I have forgotten how to breathe.

How can I forget how to breathe? It is the most basic of human actions, without breath... nothing. I am not intentionally trying to stop breathing but something in my head is keeping me from doing so and I have to remind myself to inhale/exhale. Sad. Pathetic, no? Perplexing, more so than anything else. Worrisome, obviously.

Patrick is taking off for LA Wednesday. Maybe I should go with him. The thing is, I know if I went with him I would not come back and nor would he. I do not really want to run away with him, I do not think. I just, right now, am so scared.

This is the first time in a long time I have not been in some sort of a relationship. WEIRD. Sucky, but needed. I need to work on being ok alone. It is not the end of the world to just be. It is actually healthy.

FUCK why can I not stop wigging? Fuck it. Fuck fuck fuckidy fuck fuck. Fuck it all.

I fucking need to get the fuck out of fucking here. Go underground for a while maybe? Figure out what I need and where to get it and just do it. No, I know what I need and I am not going to do that because I am better than that. But I need a replacement. And fast.