cold and broken hallelujah

Selfish, lost and unable to see the consequences of anything I have done or am doing. As I am typing this, a marriage is collapsing (possibly two...) and I am to blame. Little children cannot keep them hands to themselves, I suppose, especially not in a toy store. It is as if I ran through the store playing with every toy, and when I bored of their plastic, left them for dead in the center of the aisle. No matter if they happen to break or if one happens to trip over them, I have rid myself of their manufactured juvenility and thus hold no responsibility. Except that I am to blame. Of course. It does not matter that J and P have (had) the dream; wife, house, 2.3 brats to look after. One glare that lingered a little longer than it should have and they were mine... sinking into the abyss. I am where normalcy goes to die.

And it is not as if I intended it to get this bad. J and P were both something to do, nothing more. I was bored, they flattered me and I went with it. Do I regret having that last drink, grabbing his hand and letting him take me home? No (maybe?). It was fun, each time. I felt amazing, free, everything you are told not to feel because it is dirty and wrong and shameful and all of those words used to scare little girls into chastity... I felt it. Sorry, Mumsie Dearist: your little girl wasn't spending time drawing inspiration (ok, so maybe I was, in a way). No, I was too busy using my knees for what the Good Lord intended. Oops?

But now, J and P and the others... all of the others, I have lost track to exactly how many... will not leave me alone. Why is it impossible for men to see me as a one-night stand when it is clear that I have no actual interest in anything other than their cock? Why must they see me as something to be fixed? If I wanted to become a clone, I could. But I am having too much damn fun figuring this out on my own. I do not need their help (but of course, if the help comes in monetary form... or shoes... I will be happy to take it off your hands) nor do I really want it. J and P, however will not leave me alone. They intend to break me of my evil ways. Reform me, if you will. Despite they have their own lives to fix. With P, I do not matter as much. He is a great person... fucking brilliant and his connections are priceless. I can use P. But J? There is nothing there for me to even take. He does something with computers. I do not know jack shit about computers or technology or anything in the related field, nor do I care. He is not attractive. At all. And he is not fun to go out with. Why bother with him, I do not know. But he sure wants to be part of my life.

I use men. I am very aware of this. It is fun for me to see how much I can get away with. I will be the worst brat and still J and P keep coming back. If I actually had feelings for either, I would not use them. I would not want anyone to be on the receiving end of my manipulation.

I am just that damn good.