dashed to bits on the reef

I feel lost. I used to be addicted to the spiraling out of control that had become my life. I was 18 and invincible. Punch drunk on nothing more than teenage beauty and an unhealthy obsession with The Virgin Suicides. But now. Now, I feel as if the spiraling is no longer intoxicating. Or... maybe it still is. But it's a different intoxicating. If we're still working with the alcohol metaphor, I've moved beyond a few Long Islands to throwing back 40oz beers with no abandon and drinking cheap vodka from the bottle, only to have to ungracefully empty my stomach contents into the nearest bin. 

Or, if that doesn't work for you.. try this: I'm perpetually trapped in a game of Chutes and Ladders, except I'm just going down the chutes. Sliding down and down and down and when I feel like I can't get any lower, I roll the dice and hit another chute. No rewards this time, Hasbro, just consequences. 

I'm completely vacant. This isn't the first time I've been this way, though. Around the spring of my freshman year, I woke up one day and just wasn't. I was a shell, merely going through the motions and doing the mere minimum to get by. Now, that's basically where I am, except that the motions are much more violent. It's live hard, play harder to the ninth degree. I don't want to make it seem like I'm unhappy, because I'm tragically content with causing my eventual demise. But, I'm recognizing now that what I'm doing is not even close to what can be seen as acceptable behavior for an adult.

Maybe I just don't care. Or maybe I do, but I'm in too deep and can't even begin to climb out. But, I think the real question is... 

even if I could get out of this, would I?

Methinks not.

I enjoy being reckless. I relish in being able to make some not-so-wise decisions. Do I know what I'm doing is not exactly legit? Of course. Do I care, kind of. Am I going to change? No. I'm a complete creature of habit. I'm no longer 18 and invincible. I'm twenty-something and pretty damn shattered. 

Maybe it's time to sweep up the wreckage and begin fresh.

Or not.

I don't know.

Whatever. 

Fuck it all.